Get physical! physical! Come on and get physical! Let me hear your body talk! (031709)

Maybe you are following my progress at the track, maybe not. But the update is this. Last week I went 4 days. On Friday I was suppose to go but I let a little drizzle stop me! Why cause the old conversations were present that give me a reason to not to. and I chose to stay home. Actually I should be working out right now and I am using writing as a distraction from what I really want. Sometimes I give my self a good reason but it still don't burn the calories so I'm gonna get of this damn compute, go home and change and get physical.

You want fame? Well fame Cost and right here is where you start paying!... (031609)

You want FAME? Well fame Cost! And right here is where you start paying!....

Nern,nern,nern,…nern,nern, ….nern, …nern, …nern,nern…! (theme music)



Transitions are often the most challenge filled moments in our lives. They are rought with anxiety, fear, guilt and pain. (or if you want to call it, anticipation, excitement, abundance and pleasure, it’s a matter of labeling) These are the times when we give birth to some of our most profound understandings and establish the depth of our commitment to our own future and creation process.



Tonight, I sat with my phone. Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what I mean. I sat with my phone in my hand like an officer in the dark who’s seen too much crime. Each turn of that roller ball was like the spin of the tumbler in a revolver. The moment I’m referring to is when you sit with boredom weighing heavy on your shoulders and a desire for some entertainment. Your scroll down the list of numbers and names and review the various qualities and expectations you have for each name….you say, nah can’t call him (substitute her where needed) he still made at me,…. Not him….. he’s gonna want sex,…. Not him…. He aint never got no money…. Un un not him either cause I’M gonna want sex,…. Hell naw, …. He still got a girl friend! And then theres “That Ni@#a!” Where there is no explaination needed as to why you should NOT call him. But you want to.



You’re in transition and the time in between lives is unfamiliar and you want familiar. So the dichotomy sends two representatives for each point of view. The angel on the left and the devil on the right!... And you talk to your self. You go through all the good stuff “That Ni#4a!” brings to the table. Now don’t get me wrong, you could go through this process for numerous candidates. Some proceed a lot faster than others. But there is the one that you keep going back to tryna convince the angel on the left that its really ok. You can handle it. You aren’t gonna loose focus, your panties, or our mind. You are on the brink! [remember, some of this conflict is the result of a lack of insight into how to create reality and the level of mastery in relation to the opposite sex] The future is a glimmer in your spirit,… he is a flame from your past. What do you do? What do you do? You pick up your laptop and write! Goddamn it! No, just kidding,.. but seriously folks… The old and the new can not occupy the same space. If you (since I) have decided that you want a certain experience, commit to it. DON’T LOOK BACK or you will turn to a pillar of salt (Sodame and Gommorah), or stone (medusa) or ash (nuclear blast)! What ever you choose to motivate yourself. But know that what you really want is there for you. Ok, Ok, Ok, you might be saying. You’ve heard it from all your friends and maybe some strangers.



Let,s consider this…..



The last time you “called before you came, you didn’t just stop over out the bluuuue uuuueeUU! “ it was not what you expected or wanted. It was shallow and stale. You did not feel fabulous or beautiful. You did not feel like there was a future there for you and that’s why, that’s why you stopped calling in the first place. Now, your understanding of creation might be that you can make it into anything you want and you can. The question is do you do it by ringing the phone at 2am or do you do it by working with your internal energy and allowing your synchronicity with the universe to bring to you all that you desire.



Keep moving forward.



Some of yall don’t ever, ever, ever have to delete people from your phone. I don’t mean, cause that person is evil and you mad. But just like alcoholics remove the liquor from the house and dieters remove the snack cakes you dump the number to help yourself practice self control. Don’t stop with the number, I know about retrieving the number from old text messages too. …lol. Oh, yeah, I know all about that, alternative methods of contact. Clear it out! All of it. Make space for the flow of love to enter. Some of them will pout and be angry that you don’t call but be unwilling to exhibit the qualities that you require to establish a healthy relationship. That’s ok. You can still see them and be engaging but not to the detriment of YOUR dream. Just like Debbie Allen said you want transformation well transformation cost. You must let go of the pain, let go of the thing that is in honor of what you are creating in the now.



I am clearly in transition and I am excited about the flow of love in my life, the flow of money in my life, the flow if information in my life, the flow of health in my life and all the things I want. After all I do what I love and I get what I want. (and you can too!)



“Get in tune with your star f*&%ing Player! How is YOU doing today?”

And get you some friends who will block the bullsh#4t off ya ass. (also advice from Katt Williams)



You can do it.



If you are reading this article then thank you cause you have helped me to maintain my commitment to my creation. If It were not for you I would have dialed that number, made that drive and done that deed that would have taken me in the opposite direction of what I choose for my life. But no, nope uhn un I didn’t I thought of all the other friends I have who have sat with that phone and made it through (or didn’t) and I was encouraged to share. Thank you for being there. But if you made the call any way and it was great… then I wasn’t talking to you anyway…lol.



I love YOU. Quite simply, i love YOU!

remember, remember,remember......dogoo do dogoo do dogoo do crash FAME!

The Biggest loser!

Losing weight is a battle fought in the head. Not at the table or in the gym. Not even in the grocery store. The biggest obstacle comes from the internal dialog that I engage in when I am doing all those things. There are literally days when I feel thinner, healthier and more beautiful and then everyone else sees this. It even makes my clothes fit differently! On these days I like the colors or what ever I'm wearing and tell my self good things. On the days that this is not the case I tell my self things about my self/body that I don't have to. Like, "this shirt makes me look lumpy" or "these pants make my stomach look bigger" and I could go on and on. But the fact of the matter is, I am not alone nor is this limited to sisters who self sabbotage by thinking or speaking negatively about ourselves.

I have stood in the mirror and given myself the figurative beat down. I have evaluated or analyzed everything from my hair down to my toe nails. Some of the reasons for this attitude and behavior is that I grew up in a place that considered it an insult to say to someone, "You think you cute don't ya?" It would be said with the nastiest voice inflection possible. We little nappy headed dark skinned black girls were taught to keep a low profile and to not get to ahead of ourselves. Especially in my Mothers family. It was not uncommon to have any directive punctuated with the added "wit yo black ass". You know, like, "git some where and sit down wit yo black ass!" Or like , "take yo black ass outside". As if being black was something criminal. I remember going to my paternal grandmother and crying and telling her how they call me black and how it hurt my feelings. She armed me with a James Brown Shout! "Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud." That was the only defense I had in my 5year old arsenal. Each time my aunts would call me black, I would respond, "say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud". Don't think that the differentiation stopped there, oh, know. It went all the way to Ravioli!.....lol. My lighter skinned cousins even ate better that I did. They were allowed to eat whole cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli, spagetti and spagetti-o's! I know shock and awe, shock and awe! But this was unheard of to me and appeared to be the height of decadence in my young eyes. (I must admit, there may have been circumstances that were beyond my perception but there sure seemed to be a great divide between my light skinned cousins and my brother and I.) Now, don't get me wrong, now that I look back, I am not angry for the differentiation. It taught me to be resourceful. I learned to achieve and connect with others outside that portion of my family and to be fair in my dealings with others. Especially children! Besides, those cousins didn't truly benefit from the false lessons they were taught anyway. Anywho, My grandmother was apparently the founder of the empowerment movement within me...lol. I love and miss you Mom!

As I've gotten older, a lot of the more obvious self hate I was taught has drifted away as I've changed my base of information and patterns of thought. However, there are those last vestiges of programming. Alas! I will prevail!...lol. Anyway, you all know what I mean. When overcoming an upbringing steeped in self hate, the ugliness is so ingrained that sometimes you don't even recognize it or may not be able to tell the truth from fiction. I know now that my thoughts shape my reality and sometimes take the opportunity to play with this concept. On the days that I feel the most beautiful and give my self compliments and love. Others do the same. I am generally more out going and charismatic on these days. There is more creativity and joy overall. Not to mention, guys that walk past me regularly, notice me and want to engage in conversation. Because at this time, I feel satisfied and accepting of my self they also feel this when in my company. (or something similar to it...lol) And on the days when I don't feel this way well,...you know what happens.

But, like Katt Williams said, (and yes I am quoting a profanity spewing comedian) "I've got to get in tune with my star F#@kin player and say "ni$$a how is you doing to day" And answer my self with the most beautiful "truth" I can come up with today....

"Girl you looking good, did you drop some inches off yo waist, did you get a facial yo skin looks georgeous!"

"Damn, You fine, are you wearing a size 14 or a 12 now."

" You got abs of steel now or something you gettin it in!"

Come up with your own "truth" and make it real. After all, if you are the one doing the commentary about your self, let it be all good! Cause just like me you can have whatever you like! The universe has no preference or aversion to any reality you/I want to create.

I love you and thank you for your contribution to my growth.

Surama Amen Hetep
I do what I love and I get what I want! (you can too!)

I don't think I'm ready for this belly...(021009)

Time is out for the bulls@#%! I have had it with the post baby, baby fat! Its been 4 years and its over! How long are you (am I) gonna keep excusing this muffing top! Time to move your (my) ass and shake a load off! I know you want to go take a nap! I know you want something to eat! Well guess what!? You aint getting it! You (I am) are going to the track and move something! At least 30 min a day! Get it together! How long will you settle for having a "beautiful" face and not feeling super excited about your (my) body! Hey, I ain't talking about going down to E.T. phone home size! I mean shape it up, you know respect the ratio! Most of us know that there is a ratio of hip to waist that makes the whole package come together. Get some goals and get up and make it happen! Change begins with you (me). Love your body, but if you ain't totally happy with it, then change your body! I'm ready for transition.

Ok, So I have been wanting to lose 25lbs for a while now. But made excuses. I have wanted to get rid of this belly but made (in the past) excuses. Today! there are no excuses. I will do it. I choose it.

I want to run a marathon. By this time next year I will be ready.

To all my friend.... I am requesting your kind love and support. If you are working out, or doing something active, let me know. I want to go.

Check in with me and see if I'm holding to it!

If I'm not, find out why and then tell me to quit lying to my self or making excuses. I'm asking you to love me! In a different way maybe than you've done before. Support me in being the best me I can imagine.

I love you. Thanks so much for loving me.

Surama Amen Hetep
Makeisha Denise Phillips

All praise the Booty!!!

All my life I've had one. Even before I knew what is was. I had a phatty. When I was like 12, dirty old men would look at me on my way to Sunday school and say, "she got a shape just like her Momma" when I would walk by. It was weird. I remember when the boys in my elementary classes would touch my butt and run. Or they would run by and smack me on the ass. Thereby initiating a game of chase. (Which in fact was what they wanted) At this time, I did not understand the power of the booty. I didn't know the allure it held for those enamored with it.
I often felt uncomfortable when I bought jeans that fit my bottom but not my waist. Yall know what I mean, You have to wear a belt or everyone would see your underwear cause your pants stuck out at the waist!....lol. Anyway, I learned to live with it. At some points I wished I could lose weight, so I could shop at the skinny stores. Also, cause it seemed that everything I saw in media indicated that a tiny booty makes you a cutie! So I had to grow into this phatty. You know what I mean. I learned to love the booty. To cherish it. I learned to give it space and to adorn it. ...lol. There are some very beautiful and loving brothers out there who helped to teach me these lessons and skills. Yall know who you are. Once I turned my eyes from the media and connected with what would happen in my neighbor hood, I recalled my childhood days when I would get a drive by smack on the ass by a mischievious 8 year old, who really didn't understand his obsession with my phatty. I would see brothers on the block just stand there and smile at the booty as it walked by. They'd whispher softly, "how u doin?" I don't think they were talking to me. And then there is the classic beep and wave. Even if a brother is on his way somewhere or totally unavailable for anything particular, he will acknowledge the booty on a warm spring day by a beep of his car horn and a wave. Just saying hello. Of course there are the others more exuberant greetings of "daaamn, yo ass is phat" These are a little less welcomed but are still a part of the category, "Phatty worship"
Now, don't get me wrong, I know everybody aint into "maximum gluttious maximus" or "gluttony gluttious", but those who are, I appreciate you. You have helped a sister learn to love the gluttious. When most of the world talks bad about the booty, you are there to hold the booty and love the booty. Where would I be with out you.
After a while, I learned to work in harmony with the gluttious maximus. I took some belly dance classes that taught me to loosen the Po Po. Let the cheeks be free and relaxed when you shake it so that you get the proper reverberation when you dance. I was encouraged to make waves. The more the better. WOW!!! what a difference! I danced! I got comfortable with winding my waist and isolating the movement of the bottom half. I learned to undulate and rotate, swivel and switch, shake, wiggle and jiggle! What a BLAST I had once I got in touch with what it means to have a Phatty! All the time, the truly devoted "phatty worshipers" would praise and cheer me on. Thanks guys, you're the best!
Eventually, I was given opportunity to make this relationship public. Now, granted, I ain't no tiny sister with a little blister for a butt. No sir, I am the full figured, thick thighed sister that most people wish would just stay silent or at least sit still. So when the time came to show off the phatty, my heart raced and adrenaline was pumpin. I was nervous! How would others see this part of me? Will they be comfortable? Will they laugh at me or ridicule me? I'm not sure. But then this particular day was my birthday and I was at an African street festival. My girlfriend put me on blast during a dance exhibition and I was pulled up on stage. So,...... I closed my eyes, .... got connected,..... and let the booty do its thing. Oh, My, GOD! I was scared to death. But, she knew what to do. She mesmerized everyone with her sweet disposition and relaxed manner. She moved with grace and style. She left many brothers with a smile. I was hearing about it for days from people who weren't even there.
There are also populations of people who have a high volume of "phatty worshipers". Many from the continental African community love and adore her. There are also those who are raised in traditional African lifestyles who also love her. It is vital to the development of young African females that they see their voluptuous mothers and grandmothers treated as beautiful and sexy women. And see these same women carry themselves as beautiful and sexy. We must teach our daughters what it means to "Make That Lappa Pop!". It means to work with what you got! Love yo African body, all of it. Enjoy how the music feels in your hips and thighs. There is room for all of us in this spectrum of beauty. Participate and make yo lappa pop!
Since then, I have gotten more comfortable with my relationship to my "phatty". And its so good to be in the presence of brothers and sisters who can appreciate and respect it. To all those singing the praise songs of Phatty worship, rather it be public or private, Thank you. Keep singing, make that lappa pop, make that lappa pop, make that lappa pop!

Much love to Fara Fina Kan for the get down on Saturday and for dropping the love joint for the phat phatty, applebottom sisters of all shapes and sizes.

Go F@$# youself!!

I was reading a post by one of my friends that talked about female ejaculation and I wondered about that. I mean, not female orgasm. I know about that. I talking about the full on squirt. Now, don't get all grossed out on me. We have been familiar if not comfortable with this concept as it relates to males for a very long time! But, we as women don't talk about it and most don't even know about it. Therefore, I was wondering about it. Wondering often leads to googleing for me and probably for you too. If you're reading this, you'll probably end up googleing it. Anyway, I tried looking for "valid" information and realized that there wasn't very much information at all about it. Most of it was very inconclusive or sketchy. In my mind I'm thinking "WHY" Why is there little to no information about this. Why aren't women screaming at the top of their lungs to get this stuff investigated, research funded or what ever it takes to verify the possibility of this event. I assume again that this female ejaculation which is brought on by the stimulation of the G-spot is actually pleasurable and something to be sought after. I repeat, this is an assumption, based on the idea that ejaculation for men is pleasant. Well, when I asked myself why I realized that many women are still (for the most part) in the dark ages when it comes to sexuality and sexual practice. I feel that I have to define sexuality and sexual practice as different from the frantic race toward orgasm. I’m calling sexual practice the practical decision to “practice” sex with the intention of being fully present, to give and receive healing and pleasure, with the gradual effect of improving the techniques associated with the act.

Note: It may be very likely that most people not just women are out of practice sexually. But I don’t know that for sure as I have not asked them all. But I have my suspicions ;-)

So back to the G-spot…

So as I’m reading the one or two medical articles associated with female ejaculation, I hear a lot about the G-spot. Now, I’ve heard of this little thing and have actually experienced it as well. The only thing is, usually when a man is stimulating it, it is not intentional or consistent for any period of time that would take me beyond the momentary increase in pleasure. He envariably changes position or gets distracted by his own urge to satisfy. Of course by this time in the reading my mind is turning to how can I learn my own body better so I can participate in keeping my G-spot in the game. Which brings me to THE ADULT NOVELTY STORE OR,,OR,,,ORE!!!! (echo)

I’ve been to adult novelty stores in the past some times with friends and it is amazing to see the changes that some of us go through. The first time, I didn’t really know what I wanted, needed, or was willing to even try. I was nervous that the person behind the counter would think I was dirty and nasty or naïve and simple. Crazy right!!! I know. So I glide through, trying to maintain some composure as I wondered at the many toys available for purchase. It was amazing. I had to really think about what I liked. Some of these items can be really expensive so you do want to think (though not too much) about what you like before you spend your money. Before reading today, I was not sure what the little skinny curved dildos were for. I had an idea but never gave it more than a brief thought before moving on. But now, now I know that that little curved tip is for me! Me, me ME! Designed with my body in mind! Hopefully, you find at least some of this funny, I know I did, as I was processing it and realized that we all have a friend who needs support in making that first trip to the adult novelty store. Everyone, needs the chance to self explore. For most guys this happens earlier in life with the onset of Mr. Spanky…(lol) Most of us girls never do it, certainly not on the more invasive side. We are told that it is nasty or that it will damage our ability to be with a man. (interesting, thought there, let me digress, How is it that I can stick a penis in there that doesn’t know what its doing and not damage myself but do it myself and I know what I like, and end up damaged? Could it be that some men just want to do it their way and not include me? Back to the topic….) So if you have a girlfriend on the rebound, take her shopping, if you have a girlfriend who is sleeping with more men than she wants to sleep with, take her shopping, If you yourself are having a hard time figuring out how to have a female ejaculation take yourself shopping! And buy some toys, some books, some oils, a whip, a paddle, a video, whatEVER it takes to be fully connected with yourself. How can we expect someone else to study and deliver for us what we/I are unwilling to study and deliver for ourselves. Learn your own body ladies! Its beautiful. (For men, what about that prostate gland, eh?)

Comment and tell me about your first trip to the adult novelty store or if you are planning one. I’m sure it will be fascinating and fun to be free of the inhibitions surrounding something so precious and wonderful.

Love yo self Girls, Love yo self! No one can do it better!

Living with Schizophrenia

I am living with schizophrenia. What does that mean? What DOES that MEAN? It means that it affects my life daily. That somehow it shapes my view of the world and how I function in it. It means that I can not escape it. Sometimes it means that I have to hide things or that some things are conspicuously missing from the explanation of me. I have been living with this since I was 5. It’s really hard to do growing up in Mississippi. Most people don't talk about mental health and wellness. If someone was mentally unstable they usually ended up in the back room and the family took care of them when they had spells. It was just un-spoken that “Uncle JR had a problem” and that “yall know how he is”. So for most of my life I didn’t understand what it meant to live with this disease. I took it personal! Like God was changing up the rules with out telling me. It seemed spiteful that each time I got comfortable there would be this upheaval and all of my life, like the dishes or furniture would be turned over on the floor. How do I control this? I had no idea. I didn’t understand the nature of being addicted to leaving the medication. I thought it was hate and anger that caused this behavior. I thought that being good would save me. I tried and tried to see a pattern. There wasn’t one. How could someone see things that had not, could not happen? Like why would I want to sleep with an older man who I thought was gross? I wondered. And wondered. And wondered. And witnessed the degradation of relationships. I felt powerless. Why wouldn’t any one explain what was happening to me? How could you ignore the pain that I was experiencing? I don’t know if understanding would have prevented the woundings that took place. But it couldn’t have hurt things. Where were the responsible health care providers who are supposed to advocate for children and education? It took a long time for me to figure out how to live with this disease and I’m still working on it. I’m still healing. I’m still insatiable when it comes to reading and getting information about it. It has made me aware of my mental state and when I am overloaded. I am sensitive to an individual’s mental state when I’m talking to them. It’s in the eyes you know. Those of you who have family members with mental health issues, or if you feel stressed or depressed, get help. In what ever form or shape it may be. See a priest or a doctor or talk to your best friend. But… DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!! Believe it or not, they pick up on what you are going through. And it affects them. Deeply. Just as your experiences help shape you, their experience of you helps to shape them. If you know me you are probably thinking, “Wow, I didn’t know she had schizophrenia!!” and I DON’T!!! My mother does. I have lived with it all my life. It has shaped my experience just as it shaped her’s. It has played a part in making me who I am. As the child of a woman with mental health challenges, I was not educated about what was happening with/to her. There are still huge gaps regarding my mother’s health history and what she was going through. The lack of information left me to make up my own story as a child and I felt a lot of pain and confusion regarding her love for me. Granted, her illness was/is not intentional and I know that now. I didn’t know it then. It felt personal. The effects of illness, of any kind, go far beyond the single individual physically affected. When parents suffer so do their children. No matter how we try to hide and shield them. It is better to communicate with them. If the family is financially in trouble, explain the plan. Even if it is incomplete. Let them be a part of the process, so that when they become adults they have some perspective on what it means to be responsible and they don’t have to reinvent the wheel. (They can try your old plan out for size) We don’t show our children why the cable had to be turned off, or why mommy has to stay in bed today, or the dialysis machines that have to be used, or where the heart meds are in case of emergency. But that doesn’t save them when disaster strikes. We must incorporate our children into the progress and efficient functioning of the family. That is how future generations will move beyond our greatest achievements.

Thankfully, I have learned enough to know that my mother loves me. Dearly. She made some sacrifices for me that I didn’t understand until I became a parent. She allowed me to have what she could not give me. I am proud of her. She is independent and fully functional. My mother is a strong woman. No matter what happens, she keep coming back and trying again. She had the courage to reconnect with me no matter what the circumstances. I love her. Even her doctors find her amazing. Her grandchildren think she is the absolute best and would do anything to spend the weekend at her place. (could be the snacks….lol) I admire her commitment to grow and be responsible for her health. And more than anything else,…….. SHE’S MINE, MINE, MINE. She’s my mother and there aint nobody who can take her place. I love you Momma.