i now know that healing takes unexpected routes. there are many ways to enter. i entered a sacred healing space on the heels of orgasm. yes orgasm. i noticed that there were times when orgasm came easily and times when it was laborious for me and my partner. this was curious to me as i did not see myself as having inhibitions of this caliber. so i set out to find the answer for myself. i remembered that one of you guys had posted something about daring to experiment with your own life. that there is/was a certain degree of trust in self and in god required to do this. and so i trusted us both. myself. and god. i talked with a friend about this issue of restraint and resistance when it comes to intimacy and climax and shared that i thought there was a real connection between my belief about the person i'm with and my willingness to surrender. i said that because i was not clear about what i wanted in relation to him, it was hard for me to surrender. i continued this conversation with god and i began to notice the dialog fade when it came to the idea of exploring this resistance and that it may take time to figure it all out. however, i did hear a vital piece of information. that focusing on the person was a definite hinderance to trust. when looking at all a person's flaws, ideas, beliefs, potential and possibilities is very easy to loose site of what is behind it all. god. so that was the first shift. i choose to engage from the perspective of loving god and all that god brings to me.
then there was another shift. i allowed myself to surrender.
no actually, i chose to surrender. and as i did so i cried. i listened to god speak to me. and she/he/it told me that the love he had for me was enough to last through my tears, that it was ok to cry. i began to see penetration as an act of god. god trying to get to the heart of me. the center, sacral, sacred seat of my beingness. i recognized with each stroke all the many times i was freightened by gods movements in my life and how i would be tense and resistance because i didn't trust. my legs my torso my hips would tense. i came to accept this as a part of intimacy. but now i see that in my subconcious, i was resisting. it was subtle. not enough for my partner to notice. but i did.
as i continued, i allowed all my thoughts to come up. i resisted nothing. i stopped at times to hear the messages. everything was allowed. i was open. to god. i listened to the god of my womb. i listened to my eggs, who've been with me since i was an embryo. i heard so many stories about my own experience that i did not allow before. some of these are truly sacred stories and intended to be shared with those who choose to enter that space with me. one of these conversations has taken over 30 years to get to the 3rd statement. and yet i am cognizant of the thread as it continues.
the next time you make love. connect to your self and see what stories you have to tell yourself. notice your own sweet surrender. see if you are open or if submission comes because you are conquered by your lover. there are no right or wrong answers. only YOUR answers. find out what your self has been holding for you.
brothers..this may be a little scary for you. since there's a real possibility of the water works taking a while. but try it. let go of the race for completion and pay attention to rather or not she's receiving you. if she is open. note her breathing pattern. there is a difference between breathing for arousal and breathing for tension. take your time and watch for the shift. there is more to come on this. i will share. in light love and peace.
surama amen hetep
"correct knowing is peace"
About Me
- Surama Amen
- Washington, DC, District of Columbia, United States
- Honest to goodness, Life! Let's be honest for a change. With ourselves, with each other and with the world.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
All Hollows Eve...The real fear! 100109
This is the season when fear and terror are promoted. We pay money to go and have someone scare us, chase us through the woods, stalk us through a fun house and all sorts of other scary fun stuff. But one of the scariest things I have experienced is the feeling of being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is often seen as a time when you trust someone new to your circle of trust, a time when you reveal something about your self that you usually keep hidden and private. It is sometimes called a "weak moment". When people cheat or do other things that cause them to be "rejected" they usually say things like, "I was feeling vulnerable and he/she was there for me".
It seems that these moments are presented as pivot point in a story. A time when things can go either way. A cross roads if you will. Sorta like where the devil met Daniel Webster. It’s a choosing place. And yes, can also be seen as scary. I have been there before. And I find myself there again. I am in a vulnerable place.
However, I am viewing vulnerability in a way that is new and different for me. First, I chose to be vulnerable. It wasn't forced on me. I could choose to avoid this scenario I am in with no penalty. I can leave the game/experience/opportunity behind and escape unscathed. But then, how would I get to know myself better? So I chose this moment of vulnerability. As the monsters of insecurity, jealousy, mis-trust, self-doubt, confusion, and blame rise up and show their fangs and claws, there are waves of emotion that wash over me. Yet they don't wash me out. I am still me. I am ok. Because, I chose this.
There is great power in choosing something. I have a sense of self-control that forced circumstantial vulnerability does not provide. I know that this will work out because I've already gone to the end and looked at the best case scenario (or worse depend on your perspective) and I come out a winner on all fronts. Now don't get me wrong, choice does not eliminate risk or the drama of the experience. Just like a roller coaster or haunted house. Even though deep down inside you know that you are safe and that you paid for this ride, you can still be startled and shaken up by the sudden changes in direction and speed.
In addition to choice, I have exchanged the leading man (or star of the movie) for God. What I mean is that, I am seeing that I am on this journey with God. In every scene, there are really only two characters. Me. And GOD. Now, I know that sounds typical. But think about it like this. You remember w ventriloquists and their dummies? It’s sorta like that too. I get to talk to myself through other people; I get to see my own thoughts reflected to me. We never see ventriloquists in a legitimate fight (I mean a real fight) with his dummy. After all, it’s just a puppet used to play out a script that is only spoken by one person. All the thoughts in the conversation are his own. So every experience I have is a reflection of my own inner thoughts and dialog. And is therefore accepted as a valid part of me.
I'm sure you are wondering how this plays out with other people. Sometimes it calls for a level of openness and acceptance that others would call foolish or what ever. Maybe that’s true. But it also allows me to trust and love others in a way that I couldn't before. It allows me to know that I chose this ride and that I'm safe no matter the sudden changes.
After all, God loves me already. More than words can say. So I'm throwing my hands up on this roller coaster ride of life and trusting God. I still feel.... I feel my heart rate speed up, I feel my stomach drop, and sometimes I get nauseous...but I don't feel threatened. I know that I am still on track. Just like a roller coaster. I know I will get to my destination, and when I do...I will be smiling and laughing and remembering the best parts of the ride. Anxious to ride again. Hopefully, you will be in the seat next to me the next time too.
Those of you reading this are my friends; we're riding this ride together. Some people ride and cover their eyes, some hold on to the straps, some crouch in the seat, some scream, and some smile, and laugh and throw up their hands. All of these are acceptable responses to the challenges of life..Oops I mean the thrill of a roller coaster. But in the end, we all reach the station again! Back where we started..safe…with our creator.
It seems that these moments are presented as pivot point in a story. A time when things can go either way. A cross roads if you will. Sorta like where the devil met Daniel Webster. It’s a choosing place. And yes, can also be seen as scary. I have been there before. And I find myself there again. I am in a vulnerable place.
However, I am viewing vulnerability in a way that is new and different for me. First, I chose to be vulnerable. It wasn't forced on me. I could choose to avoid this scenario I am in with no penalty. I can leave the game/experience/opportunity behind and escape unscathed. But then, how would I get to know myself better? So I chose this moment of vulnerability. As the monsters of insecurity, jealousy, mis-trust, self-doubt, confusion, and blame rise up and show their fangs and claws, there are waves of emotion that wash over me. Yet they don't wash me out. I am still me. I am ok. Because, I chose this.
There is great power in choosing something. I have a sense of self-control that forced circumstantial vulnerability does not provide. I know that this will work out because I've already gone to the end and looked at the best case scenario (or worse depend on your perspective) and I come out a winner on all fronts. Now don't get me wrong, choice does not eliminate risk or the drama of the experience. Just like a roller coaster or haunted house. Even though deep down inside you know that you are safe and that you paid for this ride, you can still be startled and shaken up by the sudden changes in direction and speed.
In addition to choice, I have exchanged the leading man (or star of the movie) for God. What I mean is that, I am seeing that I am on this journey with God. In every scene, there are really only two characters. Me. And GOD. Now, I know that sounds typical. But think about it like this. You remember w ventriloquists and their dummies? It’s sorta like that too. I get to talk to myself through other people; I get to see my own thoughts reflected to me. We never see ventriloquists in a legitimate fight (I mean a real fight) with his dummy. After all, it’s just a puppet used to play out a script that is only spoken by one person. All the thoughts in the conversation are his own. So every experience I have is a reflection of my own inner thoughts and dialog. And is therefore accepted as a valid part of me.
I'm sure you are wondering how this plays out with other people. Sometimes it calls for a level of openness and acceptance that others would call foolish or what ever. Maybe that’s true. But it also allows me to trust and love others in a way that I couldn't before. It allows me to know that I chose this ride and that I'm safe no matter the sudden changes.
After all, God loves me already. More than words can say. So I'm throwing my hands up on this roller coaster ride of life and trusting God. I still feel.... I feel my heart rate speed up, I feel my stomach drop, and sometimes I get nauseous...but I don't feel threatened. I know that I am still on track. Just like a roller coaster. I know I will get to my destination, and when I do...I will be smiling and laughing and remembering the best parts of the ride. Anxious to ride again. Hopefully, you will be in the seat next to me the next time too.
Those of you reading this are my friends; we're riding this ride together. Some people ride and cover their eyes, some hold on to the straps, some crouch in the seat, some scream, and some smile, and laugh and throw up their hands. All of these are acceptable responses to the challenges of life..Oops I mean the thrill of a roller coaster. But in the end, we all reach the station again! Back where we started..safe…with our creator.
Abundance Rant 092809
Today I am acknowledging that in this moment I am not in alignment with my fortune. I am now in light if this understanding making a choice to get into alignment with my fortune. I am choosing right now to open up to the ever flowing ever present river of prosperity. I am joyful because I know that I am in control of this shift. I am excited because I have seen the universe do this so many times before it was so pleasant that I wanted to experience this wonderful thing again. I love how the universe is able to create something where I thought there was nothing. I at ease knowing that I can easily move from a place of perceived lack to a place of accepting abundance. When I am in the wonderful abundance of the universe, I am peaceful in knowing that I can provide. I like that feeling. Providing. Like God always does for me. When I am in the vortex of abundance, I share easily and God likes that I like this. I love giving to others and participating in Gods abundant nature. I like the way others respond when I share and I like the way I feel. I feel more like god cause I am abundant without thought or concern. I know that all things I ask for are instantly provided. I know that I have all that I need. I have more than I need. I have so much that I can give it to others freely and easily. I am enjoying this ride toward my external manifestation. This contrast is so good because it makes the other side so pleasant. and wonderful. I see how god is showing and sharing this with me. People surround me and want to share with me. They are a manifestation of my and God's generous nature. My hands are open to receive. I welcome the change and the shift to the other side of the spectrum of abundance. I am feeling better as I think about how quickly this can happen. I know that there is/are someone/s who is a conduit for this change in me and I trust them. I trusts God to provide me with abundant resources.
Reveal your self. 092209
I am so excited about where I am in life and in love right now. Its been an interesting journey. And through it all I have met one super stand out person who has changed my life. ME! I have met and am meeting myself. I am seeing me. In all of the people who are in my life right now there is nothing but me. I was thinking about and experiencing this the other day, how I have such wonderful people in my life. My girl friends are there for me, they look out for me. One of my really good friends went to a food bank to get some food, and she got me some. I didn't have to ask, she just thought of me the way she thinks of her self. My best friend was able to get some resources and shared with me her abundance by covering the cost of a wonderful dinner in a beautiful resturant. My other good friend got retro pay and said to me, "I wanna take you some where". I mean, I have people who not only love me but don't mind showing it.
So in all this love lavished on me, I wanted to check myself to say why? Why do they love me? Do I give them what they give me? Do they know how I get overwhelmed and don't know what to say when they tell me I'm beautiful. Cause I'm looking at them like, WoW! I hope and pray that they know whats in my heart and that my giving nurtures their spirit. I reveal myself to them without fear or question. I know that they love me. I trust that they love me. Even if they forget to call me back. Or don't return my earrings or shoes. Or if there is a time when I have to treat cause they "just ain't got it". After all these are my girls. They have my back. I don't hold them to the expectation that we have to see each other everyday or talk everyday to show love. I mean, I have close friends who live all the way in Texas and they know as much about my life as those who live in the city with me. I have friends that I haven't seen in close to 10 years and the love is no less when we see each other and when we talk. We have no fear. My girls have shown me that I do share, I do give, I do compliment, I do encourage I do support them. Cause they are my reflection.
Now since the title of this peace is Reveal your self...I had to wonder what my relationship with my brothers was telling me about me. Do I have this same trust for the masculine principle? Do I love the sharp and direct energy? Have I made room for the yang element? Do I want the Yang element? Do I fear the Yang element? So I began to think about the men in my life and how I respond to their love and care for me. I have beautiful brothers in my life who heal me when I'm sick. Who will pray for me and with me, and even fuss with me until I get better. I have brothers who will just sit on the couch with me and watch tv and nod off cause we're both tired. I have brothers that I can walk up to and say, "Gimmie $20." and they don't question me why. (not like the song...lol) They just do it. I have brothers who will just hug me and hold me and touch me cause I want that. I'm sure some of you/us are thinking...hmp, girl you havin sex with that many guys? And I say NO! But I am making love to and with them.
I have allowed myself to see them as beautiful too. I can see each of them and in that moment he IS the love of my life. When I'm dancing with them, I am dancing with GOD and GOD is a damn good dancer! My heart opens to them and I can see how wonderful they are. I choose over and over to trust them. They are trust worthy! After all, they are revelations of me. They also represent some part of myself just like my sisters do.
Recently, I met someone who I have chosen to enjoy deeply. This scared me since it required that I open to myself in a way that I had not chosen in nearly 10 years. My first response was, "If I can't be in total control, with a virtual time stamped guarantee, then I don't want to play!" OK...What?...Suit yourself. I controlled my way right into a sad and unhappy moment. In my effort to control, and not love, I caused myself unhappiness. I stopped the flow. I was definitely NOT going with THAT flow! What the hell you mean you're not sure! Don't you see all this!...lol. I threw my tantrum and ran home to hide. Never mind that he communicated clearly. (not just the one statement mind you). Never mind that we had fun. Never mind he was/is attentive and loving and compassionate and intelligent and an excellent lover. Never mind that I was getting all the manifestations of what I wanted. NEVER MIND ALL OF THAT! I wanted a guarantee. Hmmmmm? Why?....so I spent some time with God to sort it all out.
This particular brother was showing me that I was afraid of the masculine principle of God. That fast moving, unpredictable, yang element in the universe. I was holding back cause I didn't acknowledge that God already loves me more than words could say and how can I lose by loving God back. After all, this brother is god. Just like me. Now, this ain't no advocacy for being a crazy stalker chic and forcing your self on someone. But it is an advocacy for seeing yourself in a resistant lover or friend. For admitting that all, and I do mean ALL, of your experiences are your own doing. So I admitted that some part of me was resistant to revealing myself. I did not accept the yin that this yang was bringing out. I was afraid that it made me weak to be so receptive and yielding. I had crazy thoughts like, "What if he plays you?" ...hahahahhh. What a question? Like he's an automaton robot and I'm the only one with this special wiring that includes feelings and care for another.
After 3 days, I contacted him and found him to be as warm and kind and fun and affectionate (is that what love is? or the words) as ever. I expressed my desire to be in his company and to experience him and he replied, playfully but truthfully, "you were in self imposed exile, I'm good! When you wanna hang out" I laughed at my willingness to throw away a wonderful "PERSON" because I could not control him. I mean seriously, I would never hold my female companions to such rediculous expectations. It would never even enter my mind. It would be obsurd to say to my female friends, "tell me we're gonna eventually be best friends for ever, or I don't wanna be friends with you." I see now that my fear of the yang element of God, my trust opportunity with myself, was the issue. My interactions with him and with you helped to reveal myself to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. With out you my life has no meaning. You are my contrast. You allow me to know who I am. The indivisible duality. You and Me.
I have allowed myself to receive the wonderful joy that comes from sharing with each of you. Male and Female. I have revealed myself. You have revealed yourself in me. What do you see when you see me? How do you feel when we are together? That is who you are. Rather you enjoy me or chose to outjoy me does not matter. I am your revelation. And you are mine. What a wonderful world we've created. Enjoy!
Leave me a note: Tell me what you see, think, feel when we are together! Reveal your SELF!...careful now! I am your mirror.. :-)
So in all this love lavished on me, I wanted to check myself to say why? Why do they love me? Do I give them what they give me? Do they know how I get overwhelmed and don't know what to say when they tell me I'm beautiful. Cause I'm looking at them like, WoW! I hope and pray that they know whats in my heart and that my giving nurtures their spirit. I reveal myself to them without fear or question. I know that they love me. I trust that they love me. Even if they forget to call me back. Or don't return my earrings or shoes. Or if there is a time when I have to treat cause they "just ain't got it". After all these are my girls. They have my back. I don't hold them to the expectation that we have to see each other everyday or talk everyday to show love. I mean, I have close friends who live all the way in Texas and they know as much about my life as those who live in the city with me. I have friends that I haven't seen in close to 10 years and the love is no less when we see each other and when we talk. We have no fear. My girls have shown me that I do share, I do give, I do compliment, I do encourage I do support them. Cause they are my reflection.
Now since the title of this peace is Reveal your self...I had to wonder what my relationship with my brothers was telling me about me. Do I have this same trust for the masculine principle? Do I love the sharp and direct energy? Have I made room for the yang element? Do I want the Yang element? Do I fear the Yang element? So I began to think about the men in my life and how I respond to their love and care for me. I have beautiful brothers in my life who heal me when I'm sick. Who will pray for me and with me, and even fuss with me until I get better. I have brothers who will just sit on the couch with me and watch tv and nod off cause we're both tired. I have brothers that I can walk up to and say, "Gimmie $20." and they don't question me why. (not like the song...lol) They just do it. I have brothers who will just hug me and hold me and touch me cause I want that. I'm sure some of you/us are thinking...hmp, girl you havin sex with that many guys? And I say NO! But I am making love to and with them.
I have allowed myself to see them as beautiful too. I can see each of them and in that moment he IS the love of my life. When I'm dancing with them, I am dancing with GOD and GOD is a damn good dancer! My heart opens to them and I can see how wonderful they are. I choose over and over to trust them. They are trust worthy! After all, they are revelations of me. They also represent some part of myself just like my sisters do.
Recently, I met someone who I have chosen to enjoy deeply. This scared me since it required that I open to myself in a way that I had not chosen in nearly 10 years. My first response was, "If I can't be in total control, with a virtual time stamped guarantee, then I don't want to play!" OK...What?...Suit yourself. I controlled my way right into a sad and unhappy moment. In my effort to control, and not love, I caused myself unhappiness. I stopped the flow. I was definitely NOT going with THAT flow! What the hell you mean you're not sure! Don't you see all this!...lol. I threw my tantrum and ran home to hide. Never mind that he communicated clearly. (not just the one statement mind you). Never mind that we had fun. Never mind he was/is attentive and loving and compassionate and intelligent and an excellent lover. Never mind that I was getting all the manifestations of what I wanted. NEVER MIND ALL OF THAT! I wanted a guarantee. Hmmmmm? Why?....so I spent some time with God to sort it all out.
This particular brother was showing me that I was afraid of the masculine principle of God. That fast moving, unpredictable, yang element in the universe. I was holding back cause I didn't acknowledge that God already loves me more than words could say and how can I lose by loving God back. After all, this brother is god. Just like me. Now, this ain't no advocacy for being a crazy stalker chic and forcing your self on someone. But it is an advocacy for seeing yourself in a resistant lover or friend. For admitting that all, and I do mean ALL, of your experiences are your own doing. So I admitted that some part of me was resistant to revealing myself. I did not accept the yin that this yang was bringing out. I was afraid that it made me weak to be so receptive and yielding. I had crazy thoughts like, "What if he plays you?" ...hahahahhh. What a question? Like he's an automaton robot and I'm the only one with this special wiring that includes feelings and care for another.
After 3 days, I contacted him and found him to be as warm and kind and fun and affectionate (is that what love is? or the words) as ever. I expressed my desire to be in his company and to experience him and he replied, playfully but truthfully, "you were in self imposed exile, I'm good! When you wanna hang out" I laughed at my willingness to throw away a wonderful "PERSON" because I could not control him. I mean seriously, I would never hold my female companions to such rediculous expectations. It would never even enter my mind. It would be obsurd to say to my female friends, "tell me we're gonna eventually be best friends for ever, or I don't wanna be friends with you." I see now that my fear of the yang element of God, my trust opportunity with myself, was the issue. My interactions with him and with you helped to reveal myself to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. With out you my life has no meaning. You are my contrast. You allow me to know who I am. The indivisible duality. You and Me.
I have allowed myself to receive the wonderful joy that comes from sharing with each of you. Male and Female. I have revealed myself. You have revealed yourself in me. What do you see when you see me? How do you feel when we are together? That is who you are. Rather you enjoy me or chose to outjoy me does not matter. I am your revelation. And you are mine. What a wonderful world we've created. Enjoy!
Leave me a note: Tell me what you see, think, feel when we are together! Reveal your SELF!...careful now! I am your mirror.. :-)
Body Car 081209
Do you think the lack of body awareness is the root of our deficiencies as humans on this planet? I mean if you think about it... a failure to understand the human vehicle is an extraordinary limitation. Consider this, temperment is effected by health. Like they say, if a child is crying all the time then something is wrong, health wise. Not everybody does this but a lot of my friends know that certain illnesses are the result of certain eating habits. I would add that those poor habit might be the result of something being out of balance. We also know that certain foods are good for males and some are good for females. In other words you can effect the behavior of your self and partner by changing the foods on the menu to reflect the direction you want to go in.
Ok, lets make this more practical. We all agree that you don't give excess amounts of candy and sweets to children. Why? cause it promotes and encourages certain types of behaviors. Why haven't we pursued this like of thought to include adults? If you're restless and lethargic at work...perhaps there is something you can add or take out of your diet to correct this. Maybe Qi Gong will help get he energy moving. When an athelet trains he eats certain food combinations that promote stamina and good cellular function. What do I need to eat to stay excited about this job? What should you feed you partner or what exercises should you do to promote good healthy interactions? I mean what food do we eat and what postures do we hold to encourage brain development. I'm thinking that diet and body awarness is the key to genius. If we understood these bodies better, would that make it easier to accomplish all the other tasks we face? Most of us are riding around in these bodies with no clue as to how they work. So we end up at the doctors like our cars end up at the mechanic. But we pay closer attention to the mechanic than we do to what our bodies tell us about our lifestyle and rather its helping or hurting us.
what type of fuel do we put in the car? everyone know that answer
what type of food do we put in our bodies?.....
Ok, lets make this more practical. We all agree that you don't give excess amounts of candy and sweets to children. Why? cause it promotes and encourages certain types of behaviors. Why haven't we pursued this like of thought to include adults? If you're restless and lethargic at work...perhaps there is something you can add or take out of your diet to correct this. Maybe Qi Gong will help get he energy moving. When an athelet trains he eats certain food combinations that promote stamina and good cellular function. What do I need to eat to stay excited about this job? What should you feed you partner or what exercises should you do to promote good healthy interactions? I mean what food do we eat and what postures do we hold to encourage brain development. I'm thinking that diet and body awarness is the key to genius. If we understood these bodies better, would that make it easier to accomplish all the other tasks we face? Most of us are riding around in these bodies with no clue as to how they work. So we end up at the doctors like our cars end up at the mechanic. But we pay closer attention to the mechanic than we do to what our bodies tell us about our lifestyle and rather its helping or hurting us.
what type of fuel do we put in the car? everyone know that answer
what type of food do we put in our bodies?.....
No explanation. 081109
Living an authentic life. What does that mean? Everyday I rise and think of how I can grow and be better and yet sometimes I don't know if some of the things I want to do symbolize growth or deterioration. Despite my best efforts to rise above it I am still confronted with the realities of living in a society that is riddled with lines drawn in the sand and limitations. I am in constant contact with the residue of Eurocentric ideology. The male/yang dominated ideas of womanhood and goodness. These ideas follow me when I pass the kitchen and have no desire to cook, they follow me when I yearn in the night for a lovers touch. I question the sanctity of my body and my choices to share or not share. The arbitrary definitions of words such as mother, wife, lover, friend, partner, sister..... I wish to define these things for myself. Yet I vacilate because I don't want to address the question marks in the eyes of those who have known me till today. I think most of us, at least I do, want to live a life free of shame and guilt. I want to know that the love and affection I feel with and for others is not dependent on my adherence to the status quo. What if I choose to love with reckless abandon. Does that make me less worthy of a life long partnership with someone who can accept me fully. How do I live life for all that its worth, experiencing all that my heart has the capacity to hold, and not suffer the consequences of getting out of line with the communal expectation. Were'nt all trail blazers somewhat ostersized? I mean Einstein, GW Carver, and others were all considered different. People didn't always get it when they shared their process and the way they saw the world.
We honor and celebrate these trailblazers and yet somehow we seek and find comfort in conformity. I do to...to a degree. But now that conformity is starting to chafe. It keeps me up at night, wondering. Wondering if I'm living the safe way or the way I want to live. Why do I make the choices I make? Sometimes I fear the disapproval of those that I say I love,....and then I wonder,...If I love them and apparently I expect that they love me...then where does this fear come from.
I see that I have not fully accepted myself as much as I have accepted other peoples version of me. I was raised to be pious even if its only for show and for the benefit of others. I was taught that to live authneticly was to risk the lose of all that I held dear. At the base of many of my conflicts is how to interact in relationships. How much love is love before it becomes foolishness and un-neccisary risk?
Toward the end of my marriage I had been pushed out of my comfort zone so much that I felt that there were no limits to what I would do for my husband. I expressed to him that it was not necessary for us to separate and divorce in order for him to pursue all that he wanted out of life. I was to afraid to say tho, that I didn't care if he wanted other women. I wasn't sure if this person that I loved would understand what I ment. I didn't think he would get it. I used to tell him that marriage was a partnership with someone who agreed to witness your life unfolding and hold the mirror so you could see it yourself. I wanted to say to him that you can do what ever you like and I will still love you. But I was too unsure of this side of myself. I had been told that what I did to honor our partnership was crazy. That it was too much. That...."girl he's not worth it"...And I think he believed it too. After all we were both pressured and shaped by this societies ideas. So....it came to an end and a new beginning.
The funny thing is we still had to work out our differences. We have children. And have come to a point where we realize that we love each other. Not the cloying, confining, demanding, angry, volitile, emotionally holding hostage, kind of love, but the kind of love that allows us to be who we are without condemnation. And I know this was only a step in my development. Now I say....How far do I go with this love thing. What exactly does it look like for me.
Which again raises a question about sexuality. Now, I don't think I will fully master my own energy until I clarify for myself, how I will deal with this simple fact of my existence. The ownership issue is really a challenge for me. I don't want to love one man cause it is demanded of me. Or even because I want everyone else to believe that I am "good"... a good person, good wife, good lover etc. I want to love one man....or 2...or 3... or however many I want to because I want to. Just cause I choose. But how many brothers can hold this bird in an open palm. Allowing me to fly away and return because home is where all of me is allowed and nurtured. Are there brothas out there who can live the life they have asked their women to live for many many generations.
It is no big deal for a woman to accept her man back, or to actually remain and never leave through long term affairs and even second families. Its common in our community for a woman to know that her man is seeing someone else on the the side and even to know who the woman is and it not cause this otherwise "good man" to lose the things and people that he holds dear. How many of you could live the same life? I'm not defending unhealthy agreements in which people live in misery. I am seeking to find my own definition of love and life, to define for myself what I want and to commit to it in a way that allows the universe to take me seriously.
I consider myself to be a desirable woman both internally and externally and I have options for who and how I date a man. Some of them seem to see in me a quest for freedom and demand upfront that they not be required to share. I was puzzled by these demands until a friend of mine shared that they are reflecting to me my own fence straddling. That once I make a commitment I will no longer attract these types of men. So I reflected on the other options. There are those who are a bit more open to individual pursuit but still demand a level of allegiance fostered by fear and intimmidation and then there are those who are totally open to this way of being but are unable to share it with their own life long partner and so set the stage for drama when it is "found out". And yet there are others who get the total package and I am afraid of what that journey might require. Or I might say that there is excitement. Could this brotha really understand my need for freedom? Could he love me and care for me while keeping his hand open. I certainly hope so.
I am finding that internal compatibility out weights all else. To know that I can look into his face and say I need healing, to say I am unsure, to say help me, to say I will help you, to say we can learn together, to say we can learn apart, to say ...... is more and more my dream come true.
I have thought of having the ideal life. All settled in to a one man show. I have thought of having a typical family where "my man" is in fact ...Mine. But I've been there and done that. And I felt like the prisoner and the warden all at the same time. So I am learning what it means to be free and to allow that to others. Even those who will judge me harshly. To know that its ok for them to withdraw or come closer and to have the confidence to offer my explanations with peace, calm, sincerity and love or to offer no explanation at all.
We honor and celebrate these trailblazers and yet somehow we seek and find comfort in conformity. I do to...to a degree. But now that conformity is starting to chafe. It keeps me up at night, wondering. Wondering if I'm living the safe way or the way I want to live. Why do I make the choices I make? Sometimes I fear the disapproval of those that I say I love,....and then I wonder,...If I love them and apparently I expect that they love me...then where does this fear come from.
I see that I have not fully accepted myself as much as I have accepted other peoples version of me. I was raised to be pious even if its only for show and for the benefit of others. I was taught that to live authneticly was to risk the lose of all that I held dear. At the base of many of my conflicts is how to interact in relationships. How much love is love before it becomes foolishness and un-neccisary risk?
Toward the end of my marriage I had been pushed out of my comfort zone so much that I felt that there were no limits to what I would do for my husband. I expressed to him that it was not necessary for us to separate and divorce in order for him to pursue all that he wanted out of life. I was to afraid to say tho, that I didn't care if he wanted other women. I wasn't sure if this person that I loved would understand what I ment. I didn't think he would get it. I used to tell him that marriage was a partnership with someone who agreed to witness your life unfolding and hold the mirror so you could see it yourself. I wanted to say to him that you can do what ever you like and I will still love you. But I was too unsure of this side of myself. I had been told that what I did to honor our partnership was crazy. That it was too much. That...."girl he's not worth it"...And I think he believed it too. After all we were both pressured and shaped by this societies ideas. So....it came to an end and a new beginning.
The funny thing is we still had to work out our differences. We have children. And have come to a point where we realize that we love each other. Not the cloying, confining, demanding, angry, volitile, emotionally holding hostage, kind of love, but the kind of love that allows us to be who we are without condemnation. And I know this was only a step in my development. Now I say....How far do I go with this love thing. What exactly does it look like for me.
Which again raises a question about sexuality. Now, I don't think I will fully master my own energy until I clarify for myself, how I will deal with this simple fact of my existence. The ownership issue is really a challenge for me. I don't want to love one man cause it is demanded of me. Or even because I want everyone else to believe that I am "good"... a good person, good wife, good lover etc. I want to love one man....or 2...or 3... or however many I want to because I want to. Just cause I choose. But how many brothers can hold this bird in an open palm. Allowing me to fly away and return because home is where all of me is allowed and nurtured. Are there brothas out there who can live the life they have asked their women to live for many many generations.
It is no big deal for a woman to accept her man back, or to actually remain and never leave through long term affairs and even second families. Its common in our community for a woman to know that her man is seeing someone else on the the side and even to know who the woman is and it not cause this otherwise "good man" to lose the things and people that he holds dear. How many of you could live the same life? I'm not defending unhealthy agreements in which people live in misery. I am seeking to find my own definition of love and life, to define for myself what I want and to commit to it in a way that allows the universe to take me seriously.
I consider myself to be a desirable woman both internally and externally and I have options for who and how I date a man. Some of them seem to see in me a quest for freedom and demand upfront that they not be required to share. I was puzzled by these demands until a friend of mine shared that they are reflecting to me my own fence straddling. That once I make a commitment I will no longer attract these types of men. So I reflected on the other options. There are those who are a bit more open to individual pursuit but still demand a level of allegiance fostered by fear and intimmidation and then there are those who are totally open to this way of being but are unable to share it with their own life long partner and so set the stage for drama when it is "found out". And yet there are others who get the total package and I am afraid of what that journey might require. Or I might say that there is excitement. Could this brotha really understand my need for freedom? Could he love me and care for me while keeping his hand open. I certainly hope so.
I am finding that internal compatibility out weights all else. To know that I can look into his face and say I need healing, to say I am unsure, to say help me, to say I will help you, to say we can learn together, to say we can learn apart, to say ...... is more and more my dream come true.
I have thought of having the ideal life. All settled in to a one man show. I have thought of having a typical family where "my man" is in fact ...Mine. But I've been there and done that. And I felt like the prisoner and the warden all at the same time. So I am learning what it means to be free and to allow that to others. Even those who will judge me harshly. To know that its ok for them to withdraw or come closer and to have the confidence to offer my explanations with peace, calm, sincerity and love or to offer no explanation at all.
Just Reality 072909
How can I write to you of these sensations that I carry in my chest. These thoughts that I have in my mind. This program I have in my spirit. Today I am living a life that contains both the unspoken promise of my spiritual potential and the essence of human falibility. I have always know myself as these two people. Not just because I am a gemini but because there has always be this dialoge with the higher me. There is a part of me that knows my greatest contribution to this world will come through my devotion to a spiritual path. Despite my desire to ignore this reality I know it just like I know to avert my eyes when in the presence of spiritual leaders. I know they will know me when the see me and I want to enjoy this human-ness that I am wearing like a favorite pair of flip flops. Though this human-ness is worn and unpresentable as my best self, I still like it. Wanting to be regular, but not really. Its like when rich people come down to hang out with the "common folks" because they just want to be cool. (But not give up their money..lol) All my life I have acted, lived and spoken in away that is beyond my own natural earthly experience and understanding. My Dad recently reminded me of a time when I was 4 years old and I had a sit down talk with him. I let him know how much I loved him and my mother and how we needed him to come home to help the family. He had been away in the military and things, my by measure, were not as they should be. I asked him to come home and take care of mommy. Apparently my brother and I, he was 7, had discussed this and had come up with a solution for which I was the spokes person. My father, despite his ambition, came home and did all he could to take care of the family. At 11 or 12, I remember being asked by adult church member how to pronounce words in the sunday school lesson. I always had an answer though I don't recall what gave me the confidence to share them, or what caused them to ask me out of all the other. Then there were times when my Grandmother would loan me out to other elders in the family that may have been sick or recovering. She would send me to stay with them for a week or more to be sure they had breakfast or what ever support they needed. Some how this made sense. Either way... I think my path has been interesting.
Now I am being asked to make a sincere, deep and conciencouss decision to follow God with a level of integrity that I have yet to comprehend. I am not certain of what is being asked of me. I am afraid of it. Though I know this is who I am... I like my human-ness. Some where the possibility of taking the long and windy path, and enjoying the scenic route, complete with stops at all the cool spots seemed like a better option. Even though, when I am in the presence of those more disciplined than I've chosen to be, I feel like the smart kid that keeps failing the easy class and all my friends are moving on. What will I do?
The individuals that I have chosen to respect because I admire some aspect of their manifestation, all seem to see the inner me and expect that one to prevail. They speak to me with clarity and hope of who it is they see behind my eyes. They say I am powerful, that I will make a difference, that I should remember who I am. They love and support me with a ferocity that reflects their intense belief in that side of me. Yet, the remaining parts of me are afraid. Why do I think of lonelyness when I think of this life of dedication and commitment to God? Is it because I am only allowed to see my "fellows" once I have accepted my life for what I designed it to be? Did I make agreements with my most avid supporters that they would help me not to forget my greatness? Which paradiagm will I choose to manifest in? and do I have to choose only one? There is no doubt that I've known these people before and each to varying degrees of entanglement. But one thing is for certain, they have been true reminders to me of what is possible. Sometimes I get so mad at that cause I don't want to do more, or study harder, or grow bigger, or more spiritual. I just want to cruise and have an easy life. And we all know that life will allow you to cruise with out direction for a while, but just like a car when you hit a bump, you get off track and can end up in a ditch if you don't make some choices.
So I deliberate about the best way to get back in touch with The Holy Sir. The Goddess with in. At one point in my life when one system I was in was nearing the end of its usefulness, I simply asked God to come and get me. I was so lost. And sure enough, with all the love of the universe God came to my aid and set me on the path of self discovery. I find that I may be approaching that place again. The place where there are no prescriptions for getting to God but a sincere desire and willingness to follow. Since I know that God is listening I will state it plainly.....
Dearest God, though I have surrounded you with uncertainty and even poorly nurtured flesh I still believe in your divine ability to reach into/out of any container and bring light, love and prosperity. I seek guidance and a sense of peace and connection with you that I have come to miss in my human-ness indulgence. Retrieve me in your divine wisdom and lift my illusions that I might see and know the me you and I created. Thanking you for the newness, Surama Amen Hetep.
For all of you who wonder about your destiny, the God you and the life you live, I offer that I am remembering that all of this exist for that purpose. This is the stage on which the play of my life is taking place. I am playing my part as best I can. I am intending to move into and out of my character the way that God is directing me. I am integrating the real me with this character you've come to know. I do not know all the details of what this will be or how it will look from your eyes but I am doing my best. Even when I seem erratic....in that moment that is the best I can do. Imagine me in my best light if you will and soon that will be the truth. Thank you. Even to those who remind me, and make me angry in doing so, of my destiny. Thank you. With out these sign post and opportunities this "play" would not be "fun" or interesting and you know how we all enjoy a good show.... Play yo part folks, and enjoy it.
Now I am being asked to make a sincere, deep and conciencouss decision to follow God with a level of integrity that I have yet to comprehend. I am not certain of what is being asked of me. I am afraid of it. Though I know this is who I am... I like my human-ness. Some where the possibility of taking the long and windy path, and enjoying the scenic route, complete with stops at all the cool spots seemed like a better option. Even though, when I am in the presence of those more disciplined than I've chosen to be, I feel like the smart kid that keeps failing the easy class and all my friends are moving on. What will I do?
The individuals that I have chosen to respect because I admire some aspect of their manifestation, all seem to see the inner me and expect that one to prevail. They speak to me with clarity and hope of who it is they see behind my eyes. They say I am powerful, that I will make a difference, that I should remember who I am. They love and support me with a ferocity that reflects their intense belief in that side of me. Yet, the remaining parts of me are afraid. Why do I think of lonelyness when I think of this life of dedication and commitment to God? Is it because I am only allowed to see my "fellows" once I have accepted my life for what I designed it to be? Did I make agreements with my most avid supporters that they would help me not to forget my greatness? Which paradiagm will I choose to manifest in? and do I have to choose only one? There is no doubt that I've known these people before and each to varying degrees of entanglement. But one thing is for certain, they have been true reminders to me of what is possible. Sometimes I get so mad at that cause I don't want to do more, or study harder, or grow bigger, or more spiritual. I just want to cruise and have an easy life. And we all know that life will allow you to cruise with out direction for a while, but just like a car when you hit a bump, you get off track and can end up in a ditch if you don't make some choices.
So I deliberate about the best way to get back in touch with The Holy Sir. The Goddess with in. At one point in my life when one system I was in was nearing the end of its usefulness, I simply asked God to come and get me. I was so lost. And sure enough, with all the love of the universe God came to my aid and set me on the path of self discovery. I find that I may be approaching that place again. The place where there are no prescriptions for getting to God but a sincere desire and willingness to follow. Since I know that God is listening I will state it plainly.....
Dearest God, though I have surrounded you with uncertainty and even poorly nurtured flesh I still believe in your divine ability to reach into/out of any container and bring light, love and prosperity. I seek guidance and a sense of peace and connection with you that I have come to miss in my human-ness indulgence. Retrieve me in your divine wisdom and lift my illusions that I might see and know the me you and I created. Thanking you for the newness, Surama Amen Hetep.
For all of you who wonder about your destiny, the God you and the life you live, I offer that I am remembering that all of this exist for that purpose. This is the stage on which the play of my life is taking place. I am playing my part as best I can. I am intending to move into and out of my character the way that God is directing me. I am integrating the real me with this character you've come to know. I do not know all the details of what this will be or how it will look from your eyes but I am doing my best. Even when I seem erratic....in that moment that is the best I can do. Imagine me in my best light if you will and soon that will be the truth. Thank you. Even to those who remind me, and make me angry in doing so, of my destiny. Thank you. With out these sign post and opportunities this "play" would not be "fun" or interesting and you know how we all enjoy a good show.... Play yo part folks, and enjoy it.
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