Endless

Endless dead ends to choose from. But only one road.

Round and round I go, like an arrow from an archer's bow.

So many things to think but not know

Sweet invitations to taste and see

that the lord is Good/...God almighty

I want to be sure.

Certainty aludes me.

Restless moons rise above my sleeping place

I pace the floor of the cage with my heart

pounding and stomping

Snarling and gnashing of teeth

I would rend my defenses limb from limb

Accept, I want them

like them, need them, love them even.

Slivers of JuJu inserted strategically

casue confusion, delusion, illusion

But I am sure. Of that.

Steps slow and deliberate but without wisdom

I race forward arms flung wide

Smile wide

legs wide

stride wide

into the abyss

There is no way to know

if i can fly

If your wings are enough for both of us

If prowling heart will not devour all

that is left

I am a conservationist at heart. In heart.

I would rather give away bodies.

And visions.

And dreams.

And wishes.

Here I stay, in cage like finches

nails dug in like trenches

lines drawn in my mind like sand

while you reach for my hand.

So I rant, on and on

endless verse without consistent rhyme or reason

like time without season

the way my body betrayes me is like treason

your hands touch like salve

healing the urge to love what I can never have

Still i wait

Anticipating the eventual arrival of a pattern

to my ramblings

preparing for the inevitable silence of inner

panic

Silencing my mind, like manic

Where is the innocence?

in the dissonance?

the off chord or chance that

choice is true

that life could be good.

And then came you......

K.I.M. to K.I.S.S.

Kim should be my name.

Cause I've kept it moving for so long, and through so much that I think that will be my Moniker. KIM. Sometimes when KIM caint do what she do so well, I get to catch up. But being still is foreign. I've kept it moving the way the horses in Central Park walk and wear blinders, I have K.I.M. Kim has blocked the hurt, the pain, the defeat, the lost, the confusion sometimes even whole chuncks of memory. It seemed that I turned off the part of me that left an option for failure, quitting and or having a break down. But Kim is tense and knotted up all around the shoulders from carring the world in her back pack. Kim's shoes are wearing thin and so is her patience. Where is the middle ground between Kim and falling apart. Just staying afloat takes so much. Where is the balance in this? Kim has done so much for me, I don't want to destroy, dismantle, disrespect or disregard her. I only wonder what I might be missing with her at the wheel. How do I get back to me? I think sometimes that I am not even sure who or what that might be. ( of course otherdays its the otherway) But today, I am contemplating KIM. Keeping It Moving.

KIM

When I know I just played myself.

KIM

When I don't know where it's coming from. (money, time, dinner..etc.)

KIM

When um tired.

KIM

When um scared.

KIM

When um angry and want to bash mister's head in.

KIM

When the days fly by with service to little one's creating memories that I can't remember.

KIM

When KIM wont move.

So KIM that I don't know whats left in the carnage. Don't know what I would have, could have, should have been. Making my way back to me is a long road. But Um on it, knowing that God damn it!! I've gotta do this for me. Not cause I need more money, or more friends, or a man or to be sexy, but because I need me!! All the little pieces that I gave away, lost, discarded, all the pieces that were taken as momentos, I need them. I WANT them!! I claim them now. By virtue of the power invested in me to KIM, I pronounce myself IMPORTANT to me and on bambi like legs I begin/continue the next phase of KISS (Keep it Still & Silent).

I don't know what I will find, develope, become or discover but Its my only me.

I know I won't be doing this alone, I desire, can use, would enjoy the prayers of my loved ones. I welcome your kind words you gentle hugs and your strong hugs. You are my reflection. Keep being you in all your glory and remind me of Gods wonder and power.

I Love you!

KIM to KISS!

Surama

Keep It Moving to Keep It Still and Silent!!!