I am sitting in the dinning room at my cousins house. We are all here together after many years to mourn the passing of my Aunt. Now this aint no slow music, weepy eyed morning we doin over here. Folks is playing spades, children are doing shows, some people have a little rum or some other sip-sip. Either way, we are all together and for the most part we are smiling and laughing and happy to see each other. We talk about my Aunt. Ruby.......... she told me a story about when she was younger and they used to call her little Egypt cause she was so cute and reminded the men of an egyptian portrait. She was one of the first older, (very) busty women who wore it well and with out shame and would whip those babies out to share with anyone who wanted to witness their majesty. And yes, I've seen them and they are majestic (must like mine ;-). But I remember her as always with a smile on her face and so much happiness. When ever she would come to visit with my cousins we would wait with baited breath. Stay up all night looking out the window. This was the first portion of the family that came to visit us and they (she) was special. Because she made us feel special. That someone would venture to the unpopular south (Mississippi) to visit us. We were poor and didn't have a lot of space but we sure had a lot of love. When my (grand)Mother was ill she came to visit. We knew that there was not much that she could do physically but her presence ment a lot to me. (I can't speak for anyone else. Though I suspect we all felt the same way.) Visiting her was the only "family trip" I took with my family. And yes it was complete with tupperware containers filled with fried chicken and pound cake. We were so excited! Our cousins had a house with an upstairs!!!! We couldn't believe it. We were so green...and country!!!...lol. But they made us feel so at home and so welcome.
So when we get together to mourn the lose of a loved one or the transition of one that we care deeply about, its like a festival! Completly and fully alive and celebratory of the one that we love and miss. Of course there are numerous quiet side conversations that allow us to connect privately and personally. We comfort one another without pity and hug each other just because we are passing in the hallway. I've seen so many of my younger cousins that are now taller than me that I feel like my elders when they would look at me and say, "you look just like your mama" or "is this Bertha and Jimmie's girl, lawd hamercy!" Its beautiful and makes me wonder why we don't get together 'just cause'. I suppose survival keeps us so engaged that we don't think its possible. Then something like this comes up and we realize how precious life is and we wouldn't dare let them go through this without surrounding them with our love and support.
Every person at this gathering is welcome. And we each bring our own speciality to the table. I happen to be the resident vegitarian and health nut (though I feel my practice leaves a lot of room for improvement), my cousin Lakerry is the family comedian and so we all work together to bring each other to a beautiful place. Friends of the family come by to offer support as well as distraction from the intensity of our lose and each contribution is perfect. Cause this is how black people mourn.
We don't wear black. We don't sit quietly. We don't fight over the inheritance. We don't rent hotel rooms. We celebrate and we sleep on the floor. We figure it out. 'Cause we family. And this is how we mourn. Sure we might scream and shout at the service and beg to be taken with the deceased but in the end we support each other through the lose, the pain, the sorry, the greif and the healing. This is how black people mourn, ..... this is how my family mourns.
About Me
- Surama Amen
- Washington, DC, District of Columbia, United States
- Honest to goodness, Life! Let's be honest for a change. With ourselves, with each other and with the world.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Fragile!? Who?! Me!!?
Today and yesterday, I was plagued with a feeling of fragility. Perhaps plague is not the appropriate term but in touch with a feeling of fragility. I had/have a desire to connect in a way that is peaceful and up lifting. Initially this "feeling" was met with resistance and I wondered why. In my life experience I taught myself that I needed to be invincible that no matter what, I would have to do it! What ever the it was. The root of this conundrum....... is that I expected my Father and Mother (some one out side myself) to be my hero. But they could not. somehow I translated this to mean that I should not connect and share my experience fully with others. So I became "STRONG!" A true do it yourselfer! My connection even with myself was put aside. I grew out of touch with my body, mind and spirit. Like an automaton robot. I was in Nike mode, "just do it". My sensitivity to my body's signals was all but lost. I would go, and go, and go until I would collapse from exhaustion or lash out in anger because I was depleted. I eventually lost touch with other more feminine aspects of my nature. How to nurture or allow myself to be nurtured.
Fear had me in its clutches and I did not know how to let go. Adulthood found me with a continuation of this same thread of conciousness. Not only did I refuse this for myself, I demanded that others do the same. ie. "Get youself together", "Toughen up!" and all other such expressions of power and control. In truth other peoples sensitivity was scary and reminded me of my own disconnect from my needs. I could not give to others what I would not give to myself.
My experience in this societal structure is that the female principle is not highly regarded (perhaps my experience reflects my own internal reality, since my history did not support being receptive or the idea that to need someone is ok even if they can't come through for you). Consequently, I did not regard it highly and sought to put it aside. I told my self that the way that the masculine principle functioned was better and safer and that I should use it as my predominant way of handling life's challenges. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing lacking in the masculine way of doing things. Its just that to use only one way of being is imbalanced, rather it be feminine or masculine. I am acknowledging that my feminine principle was on hiatus.
Thankfully I realized with the help of some very wonderful people that I have a choice now. I am free to change and create a new experience.
So........ "Here's to good friends, tonight is kind of special" ...lol you know the old commercial
I allow myself to be fragile today, to say to my friends and loved ones I want to connect with you because you remind/reflect the greatness in me and because I am a part of the whole. I give myself love through the hearts and hands in my life. I am grateful that I can relax and give over to the ministration of trustworthy people. I open my heart and arms to you, and to myself! Thank God I don't have to be "strong" all the time and that I can allow myself to be lifted up by others.
Fear had me in its clutches and I did not know how to let go. Adulthood found me with a continuation of this same thread of conciousness. Not only did I refuse this for myself, I demanded that others do the same. ie. "Get youself together", "Toughen up!" and all other such expressions of power and control. In truth other peoples sensitivity was scary and reminded me of my own disconnect from my needs. I could not give to others what I would not give to myself.
My experience in this societal structure is that the female principle is not highly regarded (perhaps my experience reflects my own internal reality, since my history did not support being receptive or the idea that to need someone is ok even if they can't come through for you). Consequently, I did not regard it highly and sought to put it aside. I told my self that the way that the masculine principle functioned was better and safer and that I should use it as my predominant way of handling life's challenges. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing lacking in the masculine way of doing things. Its just that to use only one way of being is imbalanced, rather it be feminine or masculine. I am acknowledging that my feminine principle was on hiatus.
Thankfully I realized with the help of some very wonderful people that I have a choice now. I am free to change and create a new experience.
So........ "Here's to good friends, tonight is kind of special" ...lol you know the old commercial
I allow myself to be fragile today, to say to my friends and loved ones I want to connect with you because you remind/reflect the greatness in me and because I am a part of the whole. I give myself love through the hearts and hands in my life. I am grateful that I can relax and give over to the ministration of trustworthy people. I open my heart and arms to you, and to myself! Thank God I don't have to be "strong" all the time and that I can allow myself to be lifted up by others.
Awakening the Beast
Many times in life I have had an experience with another that awakens the beast. When my beast is awakened he comes to devour and destroy any thing or any one who stands in my way or threatens the "peace" (status quo) in the valley. When I started writing these notes I didn't really contemplate how much would be lost in translation. There is potential for frustration but I choose it not. I recognize that the words, opinions and thoughts of all of you serves as a mirror for my own uncertainty. It also serves as an opportunity for me to clarify for myself what I am thinking. If I feel threatened or misjudged I see it is because I am still looking to please others and to have their approval. This does not mean that I do not value support from my friends but that it can not be the sole reason for my being. I can see that there is a tremendous opportunity for me to grow in commitment to my own greatest good. I choose to accept the good and the challenging words that I encounter since they in essence come from with in me. In truth, as I began to let go of this idea that intimacy (sexual or otherwise) only means as much as I say it does I questioned my level of fidelity to this position. So I knew that you all would be there to help me connect on a deeper level. As I am evolving I recognize that many of us have similar paths and similar solutions to life's opportunities to grow and then some of us seem to be from other planets all together but thats ok. We need each other in order to create the full spectrum. I chose to see it this way. So when I feel the need to defend myself and explain, the light goes off and I say Hmmmm that is interesting. Why is the beast (and I say so jokingly) awake? Why do I feel threatened? What purpose does this moment serve? And then Ta-daah! There it is. Another opportunity to commite to my own development. Thanks guys for being my magic Mirror.
Mirror, mirror on the wall who's the freshest one of all... there was a rumble rumble five minutes it lasted... you know the rest!
Mirror, mirror on the wall who's the freshest one of all... there was a rumble rumble five minutes it lasted... you know the rest!
Commentary from "He's Mine Damn It!"
"Think the unthinkable, speak the unspeakable, REACH THE UNREACHABLE". Free yourself to express and expand. I love you.
Makeisha Surama Phillips at 12:36pm January 5
"Think the unthinkable, speak the unspeakable, REACH THE UNREACHABLE". Free yourself to express and expand. I love you.
MenShaika Modupe McCullough at 12:48pm January 5
Very interesting read. How do we overcome that feeling of ownership of another person? That's been a question I haven't found the answer to.
Heru Ra at 2:40pm January 5
Peace Queen: Ownership is an illusion. If we can deeply recognize that we belong to God and we are here to assist in each other lives, rather if that is friendship, intimacy, relationship, marriage or just the like. We all have a responsibility to those who we've establish our social bonds with. Depending... and I am saying that with flexibility and respect if people who may have a desire to connect with someone sexually or relationally if they are already in a relationship...open and healthy communication must take place first. If both parties are in agreement..then pursue. If one party agrees and the other one does not...you have to ask yourself the reason you got involved with the person in the first place? Meaning the person who wants more in another relationship. Were the lines of communication healthy from the start? We all get with people for various reason but is the intentions with those people we have established with...know the root causes?
Heru Ra at 2:45pm January 5
If you have a deep energetic connection with several people I personally would not look at that as "cheating". I am not referring to sex (that's another dynamic... that should be discussed before going forward) with these people but an emotional bond that may be needed in times of "crisis or challenges". We are here on this blue marble for a number of reasons..to realize our destiny. Who am I to say that you belong to me... when the air I breathe is a gift... just like people... circumstances etc. I am just passing through... so let me get the most out of my lessons so I can be a enlightened soul in this life and the next.
Heidi Vinson at 5:42pm January 5
well i am often torn on the same topic i think first we should decide what works for us get to the bottom of ourselves and our desires and then attempt to attact that or those people into our lives who are similiar, but the one thing that i think always gets lost is choice. if we can be open and honest with ourselves about whats going on to give the other people in our life a choice to agree ,feel the same ,walk away or what have you but give them the same choices we desire and most times thats when we have a problem.
MenShaika Modupe McCullough at 6:50pm January 5
I totally agree...it is about what works for that individual and from there you attract like-minded people.
Phillip Shawn Walker at 8:26pm January 5
Well to truly love someone is to release them and not hold on to them. And not to have an attachment to anything or anyone. Live completely in the now!! Now, Ownership of a process or a group is about being Team versus being on a Team. If i am an OWNER then I approach a process with power and love as opposed to the person who is a renter. Are you renting your lover or are you an Owner in the process. Does renting change your commitment or does Ownership have you committed without a back door? Do I own my partner HELL NO but am I an OWNER of the experience and contribute fully to the Creation? You decide!! LOVE YA!!!
Khari Menra Garrett at 7:14am January 6
Love is not about possession. There is something very profound in honoring the disires of the other person, however, so long as it doesn't mean compromising your own values. Surama, you said something quite interesting! You said when you resisted sexual impulses, you gave in anyway and the impuse became stronger. That was a matter of choice on your part. If you successfully resist the impulse, doesn't the discipline within you become stronger? Its quite dangerous to the psyche to validate such behaviors by thinking the result justifies the means.
Makeisha Surama Phillips at 8:48am January 6
I think that we should note the difference in resistance and choice. When I resisted, it was not out of an intelligent choice. It was because I was told that "God" would be angry with me if I "sinned" and had sex. I resisted out of fear, out of a desire to please those who were responsible for the flock and our immortal souls. In my resistance, sex it self became my anti-christ and therefore took up more space than Christ himself. I would worry. And that gets you no where. If I had chosen to be celibate that is different. There would have been a greater goal in my mind than simply avoiding Hell's fire! I could have said, I chose not to be sexually active because I want to conserve chi force, or simply because I chose. That would generate discipline. So I agree that it was my choice to have sex but my resisting my choice to honor someone else's ideal was folly and did not work for me. I would ask at which point did I support the statement the "result justifies the means"?
Khari Menra Garrett at 8:59am January 6
If we put aside the fears that are pressed into us from religion, we will find that the universe seemingly presents situations that toss us from side to side, from one perspective to another (usually extremes) all to try to bring us to a place of balance within our perspectives. I'm not saying that galling limitations should ever be perservered in at all. That goes totally against what I believe. I also am not saying that living solely to honor someone else is honorable at all. Self-degradation as a means of making progress only results in throwing yourself away. What I am saying is that as youth and as individuals we very innocently and without effort develop visions of our lives. Through living and acculturation, we find ourselves socializing within structures, even as small as the family unit, that press upon us another set of beliefs, just like the church did. We can't take for granted anything that goes on within us as we experiences these many forms of relating and the
Khari Menra Garrett at 9:04am January 6
-philosophies, lifestyles etc. that they present to us as possibilities. This is a continuation of the tossing to and fro that we experience. Through this various relational experiences, we have a tendency to adopt another belief, philosopy, value or whatever may come. Yes, it is indeed a part of the evolution process. Reconnecting with our youthful innocence where we cast of the defensive barriers that at time result in us so easily connecting to ways that aren't necessarily in harmony with our soul's truest desires, is a real challenge. Especially when our desires press from within us so intensely at times. It takes courage to remain resolved to have that you TRULY desire even in the face of the seeming adversity and pressure of something that comes from within us. By applying patience and developing a more solid resolve, however, we psychically trasmit to the universe our truest intentions, thus begin to attract the desires that are more in harmony with our natures. Nature cannot be
Khari Menra Garrett at 9:09am January 6
-separated from being. We each vibrate at a different rhythm no matter how connected we all are. Our angle as angels has specific purpose. Certainly live the life that you choose. All I am saying is that something in what you said suggests a lack of core integrity. I'm certain that if given the option, most of us would choose a profound intimate with one person versus many relationships that may fall very short of providing that sense of external fulfillment that we truly desire, we would choose the one relationship. This doesn't mean that we don't experience "relationship" with other people of the same and opposite sex. It does mean, however, that we use better discernment and judgement in our dealings as we understand ourselves much better. Judgment isn't as bad as people make it out ot be. We are supposed to judge for ourselves. Ego isn't as terrible as people make it out to be. I love my ego. It is a tool for making my way through the world. Balancing it out with understanding of
Khari Menra Garrett at 9:10am January 6
-general and profound oneness should only make us more accountable and discerning. Be blessed!
Makeisha Surama Phillips at 9:10am January 6
I came to the conclusion that if it wasn't working that I was free to try a different approach. The approach I chose was total surrender to the universes love for me. That non of those things good, bad, or otherwise made me more or less valuable to God. The internal struggle with myself left me dis-empowered and unhappy so I stopped struggling and God rose up with in me to support all the positive uplifting things I could share. In shifting my focus I was able to increase the positive in my life and reduce the hold of fear, specifically fear regarding sexuality.
Makeisha Surama Phillips at 9:12am January 6
Core integrity with regard to what?
Khari Menra Garrett at 9:19am January 6
Well your statement said something about how you were suppressing and through suppression, once you gave in, you found that you were more solidified in your yearning (something to that extent). Suppression is something that should certainly be used in moderation, as well as anything else that could lead to a choice being a galling limitation. It's more matter of the mind, however. There are numerous healthy ways to express sexual energy while still preserving one's self. I am not, by any means saying, that one should NOT express sexually. Lord knows I love me some sex dammit. In our choices, however, what is it that we are truly satisfying? That answer is different for everyone, although the core truth may be the same for many. Becoming more solidified in satisfying the longing of the flesh after supression generally shows that there is something on the level of the belief, thoughty and psyche that needs an adjustment. With this being the case, therein is where solution should be
Khari Menra Garrett at 9:23am January 6
-sought. Energy can be exhausted in many ways, and truly one way or another, an energy pattern must be allowed to exhaust in such a way that leads to greater enlightenment. This suggests that it is on the level of the thought/belief where the solutions are found. It is possible to go within and experience this enlightenment without having to experience the lessons that come from allowing the wheel of furtune to create circumstances that almost force us to change our path. Well, that is easier for some than for others. I know for me, most lessons have come from pushing the envelope. Wisdom, is the result however. It's not about rules for everyone. It's about what's right for me. I am not knocking any lifestyle at all. I like to speak about the myriad possibilities whereas most people I know speak as if their way is the way. Enjoy your life, love. If it's fun, it can't all be bad, can it?
Makeisha Surama Phillips at 9:36am January 6
Of course not! This is a grand adventure in which I am choosing to see the possibilities. The resistance issue was one that came up for me in my early 20's. During that time I was in a lot of turmoil trying to connect with the God in me. I have since grown tremendously. I do know that not everything requires direct blunt force trauma to get through my head...lol. I am only exploring the other possibilities available to me. Giving my self permission to be a sexual being has actually reduced the amount of space this component takes up in my mind. Ultimately, my choice to honor all of me has brought me to greater balance. When refusing any part of myself it cries out to be recognized as part of the whole. From my hair, to digestion, to spirit. I hope that the ultimate intention is not lost in my story. Thanks Khari Menra for this fantastic dialog. You have been a wonderful mirror for me.
Diallo Sumbry at 1:04am January 7
you know i have something to say about this but i want to let it marinate for a minute like a leg sacrificed lamb and check myself so i can be honest...i'll be back to this...But Thank you!!!!!
Kenya K Stevens at 12:09am January 8
Men don't seem to want this because they want to own women. Women don't seem to want this because they want to own men - bottom line. Forget the jargon... With 78% of females non-orgasmic and 63% of married men practicing infidelity, tell me how there is any core integrity in that? Please...It is time for a new way.
Khari Menra Garrett at 12:12am January 8
I think the real challenge is learning new ways to appreciate what you have. I don't see any men nor women in poly feeling any more fulfilled. They only try to sell it to others as justification for their own compromises. Seeing the gaps in so many of the arguments, I find myself simply refraining from further commenting. I could eat this shit up though.
Kenya K Stevens at 12:28am January 8
Agreed. It is difficult to learn to appreciate people when we are not allowed to appreciate our own sexuality and the sensual beauty of ALL others. We are shut down as a people because our core is the sensual nature. We are shut down as a people because our core is Peace itself. Like yin and yang Sensuality (animal Nature) and Peace (God Nature) must be in balance. But we should only appreciate one person right? Appreciation of more is Sinful! LOL! Not to mention appreciation of ourselves, well that's just freaking vain! Pious, chastity, sacrifice, judgment - there are Anglo Christian values, you know the same Victorian, Pious lovelies who raped slave women and neglected their wives. Ha Ha Ha! So much for Anglo Christian values! Love is not an animal...Love is an attribute of God itself. We should love freely and often... By the way, maybe it was the Anglo Christian pious, chaste ones who demonized sex and called it lust in the first place? Sex is connection to the divine
Khari Menra Garrett at 12:32am January 8
Your take on what people are saying about appreciating is exaggeratedly extreme. There are many ways to appreciate people than sexually. I can't go too much into it. If you truly desire to hear my views, we can talk about it on the phone. I can with a tremendous amount of precision show you the gaps in the integrity of your missives and expressions on the topic. I'm not in any way saying you should change because of what I veiw. I'm just saying when some shit lacks some core integrity, it lacks it. It's plain as day to me. I'm sure, if you are as open as you say you are, you will find what I have to share quite enlightening. Arcaic revelations aren't anything to fear babes.
Kenya K Stevens at 12:34am January 8
For more articles on open relationships - see my blog - http://jujumama.wordpress.com I was listed today on www.TantraExplorer.com as most relevant articles on Poly. Check it out! Thanks Suruma! Great topic. If you are in Atlanta we are having a cocktail party to discuss this topic - do join us - send me a message for an invite.
Khari Menra Garrett at 12:34am January 8
and don't get so stuck on the whole christian piece either. There are many who don't subscribe to christian views, but who do subscribe to very fundamental principle who could eat this shit up to just on the lack of structural integrity of what is being communicated.
Kenya K Stevens at 12:37am January 8
I don't fear archaic revelations, it's just that those who received the revelations were having sex with young boys and African women and ignoring their own wives. Archaic is not the problem, outdated is not the problem, the issue is that this crap does not and has never actually worked. But I know how difficult it is for a man to envision HIS woman laying up with some dude. Therein lays the problem...yes?
Kenya K Stevens at 12:40am January 8
If we are talking about structural integrity - let's discuss the stats I listed earlier - any takers? Tell me why 68% of American men cheat - they don't appreciate what they have? Why are 78% of American women non-orgasmic in bed with a man (with their toys maybe they are cool) is it that they don't appreciate his phallus? And why the failing marriages at 55% how integrated is that? Not to mention the 82% of American kids who live in broken, dysfunctional homes...so much for structural integrity of monogamy. I am not suggesting poly as an only alternative, I am just saying what structural integrity you speak of?
Kenya K Stevens at 12:42am January 8
Again, what structural integrity do you speak of?
Khari Menra Garrett at 12:48am January 8
I wasn't referring to those forms of arcaic revelations, sweets. In fact, I meant arcane. lol... My bad. But I could care less about what some controlling old farts from some other era subscribed to. I don't believe the answer is a quantum leap to the other end of the spectrum. I believe that the real solution is in raising our standards to a higher level of accountability, not forcing on ourselves beliefs and lifestyles that no matter how hard we try, we can't even honestly say that we are TRULY in agreement with. Again, I can go into the plethora of gaps within your perspective WITH PRECISION. I choose to be a bit more respectful and allow principle to show that which may currently difficult for you to see. I'm not afraid to talk about it thought. I'd much rather you request my perspective rather than slaughter all that could be slaughtered.
Maisha Hyman Sumbry at 2:27pm January 8
I would also caution us to look a little deeper than the physical aspect of relationships when trying to figure out why men cheat, why women are not orgasmic and why marriages are failing. Maybe we're putting our energies in places that aren't as productive as others and throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.
He's Mine Damn It!
so, I am contemplating relationship as you all well know by now. And I thought, why do we have such a need for ownership in this society. We would never suggest that we limit ourselves to only one friend. The thought of being able to only love one child deeply or one cousing or one brother. We know that we love each of these people in a personal way but we love them all the same. And when our brothers take one lover after the next, we do not feel threatened by their love for another and they do not feel threatened when we are betrothed to the love of out lives. How then do we offer such freedom to our sons and daughters, our aunts and uncles and then restrict our personal partners to having only one intimate partner. When I say intimate, I am not only referring to sexual intimacy but to the deep soul connections that arise from deep abiding love and affection for another person. There have actually been times when I was not sexually intimate with someone but yet had an intense connection and abiding love for them. Would this be ok as long as we don't have sex? Or is it ok to have sex as long as we don't care about the other person? Should we burden one person with the responsibility of fulfilling all of our intimate desires? That seems to me to be a huge responsibility for one person to perform all these tasks. And what happens when they fail. Do we then deny ourselves the connection we need and desire as physical beings? Should they be punished for their short comings?
I am in no way advocating a "free love" society of sexual and intimate irresponsibility. Just as you don't share your home with every person you meet you would not share your intimate life with everyone that you come in contact with. All of us have know a man or woman that was attractive to us and we were afraid to speak with them because we weren't sure how this intensity would come across. Sometimes that attraction has very little to do with sex. (I would say most times it doesn't) When we suppress that attraction it seeks a new outlet and the most common way to connect deeply is of course "SEX!" What we (I) really wanted was to sit close and talk long. To be appreciated and heard. To trust and be trusted. To give comfort to someone worthy of it.
Granted, there are scenarios where it is about sex. There is a need desire to experience this type of intimacy, to connect with your own body and the body of another. When I fought against that part of myself in the past I usually ended up doing it anyway. So, what I resisted became stronger. I did not acknowledge it as a natural part of myself and so could not interact in a way that was healthy and responsible. For some of us, the step away from sexual repression is a step into the unknown. Some believe it is the first step to a life of debauchery!... lol. When I accept that part of myself I reaffirm my own beauty and love for myself. I can see my body in its nakedness and smile. I can lay naked in front of my lover and carry on a conversation with out fear of being judged. (cause I got stretch marks and "with no bra my ninnys sag down low") But none of that matters cause in my freedom I am content.
These things I am still understanding inside myself. I'm sure that many sisters worry about the stigma of having "too many lovers" or "having 2 lovers" or "being a poor lover". How then do we address it if we don't express it? To heal our sexual selves from rape, molestation, poor self image, and a myriad of other things we have the option to engage that part of ourselves conciously and recover or full selves. I know that you are thinking something about this, especially if you read all the way to the end. Let me know what you think. I appreciate it. Have a happy, healthy, love-filled day!
I am in no way advocating a "free love" society of sexual and intimate irresponsibility. Just as you don't share your home with every person you meet you would not share your intimate life with everyone that you come in contact with. All of us have know a man or woman that was attractive to us and we were afraid to speak with them because we weren't sure how this intensity would come across. Sometimes that attraction has very little to do with sex. (I would say most times it doesn't) When we suppress that attraction it seeks a new outlet and the most common way to connect deeply is of course "SEX!" What we (I) really wanted was to sit close and talk long. To be appreciated and heard. To trust and be trusted. To give comfort to someone worthy of it.
Granted, there are scenarios where it is about sex. There is a need desire to experience this type of intimacy, to connect with your own body and the body of another. When I fought against that part of myself in the past I usually ended up doing it anyway. So, what I resisted became stronger. I did not acknowledge it as a natural part of myself and so could not interact in a way that was healthy and responsible. For some of us, the step away from sexual repression is a step into the unknown. Some believe it is the first step to a life of debauchery!... lol. When I accept that part of myself I reaffirm my own beauty and love for myself. I can see my body in its nakedness and smile. I can lay naked in front of my lover and carry on a conversation with out fear of being judged. (cause I got stretch marks and "with no bra my ninnys sag down low") But none of that matters cause in my freedom I am content.
These things I am still understanding inside myself. I'm sure that many sisters worry about the stigma of having "too many lovers" or "having 2 lovers" or "being a poor lover". How then do we address it if we don't express it? To heal our sexual selves from rape, molestation, poor self image, and a myriad of other things we have the option to engage that part of ourselves conciously and recover or full selves. I know that you are thinking something about this, especially if you read all the way to the end. Let me know what you think. I appreciate it. Have a happy, healthy, love-filled day!
He
so, I am contemplating relationship as you all well know by now. And I thought, why do we have such a need for ownership in this society. We would never suggest that we limit ourselves to only one friend. The thought of being able to only love one child deeply or one cousing or one brother. We know that we love each of these people in a personal way but we love them all the same. And when our brothers take one lover after the next, we do not feel threatened by their love for another and they do not feel threatened when we are betrothed to the love of out lives. How then do we offer such freedom to our sons and daughters, our aunts and uncles and then restrict our personal partners to having only one intimate partner. When I say intimate, I am not only referring to sexual intimacy but to the deep soul connections that arise from deep abiding love and affection for another person. There have actually been times when I was not sexually intimate with someone but yet had an intense connection and abiding love for them. Would this be ok as long as we don't have sex? Or is it ok to have sex as long as we don't care about the other person? Should we burden one person with the responsibility of fulfilling all of our intimate desires? That seems to me to be a huge responsibility for one person to perform all these tasks. And what happens when they fail. Do we then deny ourselves the connection we need and desire as physical beings? Should they be punished for their short comings?
I am in no way advocating a "free love" society of sexual and intimate irresponsibility. Just as you don't share your home with every person you meet you would not share your intimate life with everyone that you come in contact with. All of us have know a man or woman that was attractive to us and we were afraid to speak with them because we weren't sure how this intensity would come across. Sometimes that attraction has very little to do with sex. (I would say most times it doesn't) When we suppress that attraction it seeks a new outlet and the most common way to connect deeply is of course "SEX!" What we (I) really wanted was to sit close and talk long. To be appreciated and heard. To trust and be trusted. To give comfort to someone worthy of it.
Granted, there are scenarios where it is about sex. There is a need desire to experience this type of intimacy, to connect with your own body and the body of another. When I fought against that part of myself in the past I usually ended up doing it anyway. So, what I resisted became stronger. I did not acknowledge it as a natural part of myself and so could not interact in a way that was healthy and responsible. For some of us, the step away from sexual repression is a step into the unknown. Some believe it is the first step to a life of debauchery!... lol. When I accept that part of myself I reaffirm my own beauty and love for myself. I can see my body in its nakedness and smile. I can lay naked in front of my lover and carry on a conversation with out fear of being judged. (cause I got stretch marks and "with no bra my ninnys sag down low") But none of that matters cause in my freedom I am content.
These things I am still understanding inside myself. I'm sure that many sisters worry about the stigma of having "too many lovers" or "having 2 lovers" or "being a poor lover". How then do we address it if we don't express it? To heal our sexual selves from rape, molestation, poor self image, and a myriad of other things we have the option to engage that part of ourselves conciously and recover or full selves. I know that you are thinking something about this, especially if you read all the way to the end. Let me know what you think. I appreciate it. Have a happy, healthy, love-filled day!
I am in no way advocating a "free love" society of sexual and intimate irresponsibility. Just as you don't share your home with every person you meet you would not share your intimate life with everyone that you come in contact with. All of us have know a man or woman that was attractive to us and we were afraid to speak with them because we weren't sure how this intensity would come across. Sometimes that attraction has very little to do with sex. (I would say most times it doesn't) When we suppress that attraction it seeks a new outlet and the most common way to connect deeply is of course "SEX!" What we (I) really wanted was to sit close and talk long. To be appreciated and heard. To trust and be trusted. To give comfort to someone worthy of it.
Granted, there are scenarios where it is about sex. There is a need desire to experience this type of intimacy, to connect with your own body and the body of another. When I fought against that part of myself in the past I usually ended up doing it anyway. So, what I resisted became stronger. I did not acknowledge it as a natural part of myself and so could not interact in a way that was healthy and responsible. For some of us, the step away from sexual repression is a step into the unknown. Some believe it is the first step to a life of debauchery!... lol. When I accept that part of myself I reaffirm my own beauty and love for myself. I can see my body in its nakedness and smile. I can lay naked in front of my lover and carry on a conversation with out fear of being judged. (cause I got stretch marks and "with no bra my ninnys sag down low") But none of that matters cause in my freedom I am content.
These things I am still understanding inside myself. I'm sure that many sisters worry about the stigma of having "too many lovers" or "having 2 lovers" or "being a poor lover". How then do we address it if we don't express it? To heal our sexual selves from rape, molestation, poor self image, and a myriad of other things we have the option to engage that part of ourselves conciously and recover or full selves. I know that you are thinking something about this, especially if you read all the way to the end. Let me know what you think. I appreciate it. Have a happy, healthy, love-filled day!
Sometimes
I am not sure if you heard me hollar! I need a pesonal assistant.
I wonder if you see how hard I'm working in this program. Damn I need that assistant
I cry.
I try a different way to get things done.
I wonder how my job description is four pages long and my salary isn't....
I wonder what you are thinking! Damn. Can I get that assistant?!!!
I want to cuss yo a@# out cause I'm so frustrated with your lack of, of .... everything
I am grateful to have this opportunity to try. Even when I fail
I don't think you know me at all.
There aint enough hours in the day.
I see that God knows my heart when he helps me
I wish you were more like God
I dream of Jeannie (one blink and its all fixed)
I am Jeannie!
I can appreciate my friends cause yall keep me goin! I will make an effort to appreciate you more guys I promise.
I wonder where the super heros went and what time they will be returning?
I wonder if you see how hard I'm working in this program. Damn I need that assistant
I cry.
I try a different way to get things done.
I wonder how my job description is four pages long and my salary isn't....
I wonder what you are thinking! Damn. Can I get that assistant?!!!
I want to cuss yo a@# out cause I'm so frustrated with your lack of, of .... everything
I am grateful to have this opportunity to try. Even when I fail
I don't think you know me at all.
There aint enough hours in the day.
I see that God knows my heart when he helps me
I wish you were more like God
I dream of Jeannie (one blink and its all fixed)
I am Jeannie!
I can appreciate my friends cause yall keep me goin! I will make an effort to appreciate you more guys I promise.
I wonder where the super heros went and what time they will be returning?
Saying yes instead of no...
I had gotten in the habit of saying no. No to support, no to dating someone younger or "too old", no to trying something unusual, no to intimacy, no to sexuality and to sex, no to everything that made me afraid or gave me that jittery feeling in my stomach. I would look at a guy and say what about this person makes me uneasy and is it enough to disqualify them? What is that about? Well for me it is about creating safety where I felt insecure. But at the same time, it blocked out a lot of the good things that people could and would offer my life. I am conciously saying to myself, relax now and breath. Where can I be more receptive and more at ease? I asked myself just last night as I sat across the table from a man who is 6years my Jr. "What about this is making me uneasy?" and I realized that instead of accepting his admiration I was thinking of how others might perceive our being out together. In my worry I wasn't allowing myself to feel the love that the universe was sharing with me. So at the point where he was sharing a conversation he had with a relative that he was going on a date, and he says to me with a smile "this is a date right" I said yes. Yes it is! Why not? And we had a good time. I felt at ease. Thank you, you know who you are.
Earlier that day, I had a desire to connect with a man who has offered me support in a way that I haven't accepted or chosen for myself in a long time. I sat with my phone in hand and debated about rather or not I should call. I asked myself "What are you calling to talk about?" "What do you want?" I wondered if he would think I was needy or unstable. I didn't know if I would appear to be pursuing him for all the wrong reasons. And numerous other ideas born of fear and internal refusal to just accept love when it arrives. So I see that my own lack of receptivity had interfered with my ability to understand and receive the love I said I wanted. So I called. I didn't know what to say. But we talked anyway. Just about who we were, where we are from and all that. When I calmed down I could see that I just wanted to reach out and see that his support would be there and not evaporate when I wanted to connect. I don't know how this will play out in my growth process but I'm glad that I called. I said yes. Yes to being connected. I made a choice to connect,... to accept and be accepted.
That morning I had the honor of being a support to someone I love dearly and deeply. It was a mild stone in our relationship. We were able to build trust in a way that we had not experienced yet together. I was very happy to have been an instrument for the healing process. At certain points I would remind myself to breath as I reminded her to breath. I would inhale and ask God to show me how to be a contribution in this moment and God would move us forward. So I thought, as I am blessed to support so must others be blessed to support me and its a wonderful web of connection and interdependence that takes everyone to a greater level of awareness and love.
In case you haven't noticed that I've written about my day in reverse from night to morning. Well thats just how I was thinking about it. And if you're reading this know that your contribution to my life and my process is welcomed. I've had some responses that have really been helpful. You guys are great! I have chosen to connect on a deeper level with myself and those in my life. Thank you all for being the reflections of love that you are. Have a wonderful, spiritfilled 2K9!
Earlier that day, I had a desire to connect with a man who has offered me support in a way that I haven't accepted or chosen for myself in a long time. I sat with my phone in hand and debated about rather or not I should call. I asked myself "What are you calling to talk about?" "What do you want?" I wondered if he would think I was needy or unstable. I didn't know if I would appear to be pursuing him for all the wrong reasons. And numerous other ideas born of fear and internal refusal to just accept love when it arrives. So I see that my own lack of receptivity had interfered with my ability to understand and receive the love I said I wanted. So I called. I didn't know what to say. But we talked anyway. Just about who we were, where we are from and all that. When I calmed down I could see that I just wanted to reach out and see that his support would be there and not evaporate when I wanted to connect. I don't know how this will play out in my growth process but I'm glad that I called. I said yes. Yes to being connected. I made a choice to connect,... to accept and be accepted.
That morning I had the honor of being a support to someone I love dearly and deeply. It was a mild stone in our relationship. We were able to build trust in a way that we had not experienced yet together. I was very happy to have been an instrument for the healing process. At certain points I would remind myself to breath as I reminded her to breath. I would inhale and ask God to show me how to be a contribution in this moment and God would move us forward. So I thought, as I am blessed to support so must others be blessed to support me and its a wonderful web of connection and interdependence that takes everyone to a greater level of awareness and love.
In case you haven't noticed that I've written about my day in reverse from night to morning. Well thats just how I was thinking about it. And if you're reading this know that your contribution to my life and my process is welcomed. I've had some responses that have really been helpful. You guys are great! I have chosen to connect on a deeper level with myself and those in my life. Thank you all for being the reflections of love that you are. Have a wonderful, spiritfilled 2K9!
Qualities of Light
I speak in flashes of light and color
My language is the music of dancing dragons
There are no limits, I transcend....
you name it.
I parted the seas and raised the mountains and find calm in the hurricanes wind
I reared the trees as my children and make friends with lions and lambs
I tie rainbows in my hair as I prepare to begin my work
Praise is my work.
Dance is my payment.
I wear wealth like raindrops on my jacket.
When I laugh scientist can understand the language of dolphins.
All the rivers of the earth issued forth from my tears of joy.
The salted oceans are my tears of peace.
I've taught nations in my classrooms and chastised the anger of dictators with my ruler.
My dreams become the future and I stop time to smell the fragrance of the Jasmine flower.
I sleep in the forest on a bed of fresh grown moss. Daily it is renewed.
The sun was my spinning top when I was a child and I did so love that toy...
Now I play jacks with the earth , and mars, and venus.
There is nothing that I am not. And you are me.
And between us all will and can ever be.
My doubt in my power created the solstice. The earth stood still in wonder.
So I re-membered myself from the choices parts of the galaxy.
Jesus was my friend when I was older. I showed him how to fight.
He used to be afraid.
Buddah and Krishna were my body guards as I traveled to this time.
Knowing my worth they protected me.
Muhammed was my lover, I whispered to him in the night of the love I had for him and
he created a nation from my love.
I am proud.
There is only u.
Limit-less and you will be limitless.
When my lashes fell butter flies were born.
Night is the blinking of my eyes.
Eclipses occur when I wink at the Universe.
We are what we imagine.
My language is the music of dancing dragons
There are no limits, I transcend....
you name it.
I parted the seas and raised the mountains and find calm in the hurricanes wind
I reared the trees as my children and make friends with lions and lambs
I tie rainbows in my hair as I prepare to begin my work
Praise is my work.
Dance is my payment.
I wear wealth like raindrops on my jacket.
When I laugh scientist can understand the language of dolphins.
All the rivers of the earth issued forth from my tears of joy.
The salted oceans are my tears of peace.
I've taught nations in my classrooms and chastised the anger of dictators with my ruler.
My dreams become the future and I stop time to smell the fragrance of the Jasmine flower.
I sleep in the forest on a bed of fresh grown moss. Daily it is renewed.
The sun was my spinning top when I was a child and I did so love that toy...
Now I play jacks with the earth , and mars, and venus.
There is nothing that I am not. And you are me.
And between us all will and can ever be.
My doubt in my power created the solstice. The earth stood still in wonder.
So I re-membered myself from the choices parts of the galaxy.
Jesus was my friend when I was older. I showed him how to fight.
He used to be afraid.
Buddah and Krishna were my body guards as I traveled to this time.
Knowing my worth they protected me.
Muhammed was my lover, I whispered to him in the night of the love I had for him and
he created a nation from my love.
I am proud.
There is only u.
Limit-less and you will be limitless.
When my lashes fell butter flies were born.
Night is the blinking of my eyes.
Eclipses occur when I wink at the Universe.
We are what we imagine.
The Movement
I am a part of the movement in my life. I walk toward the wonder of fulfillment. I welcome the changes and the growth. I enjoy the discomfort of "coming unglued!" in my life. I am thankful for the people in my life that love me and encourage me. I open my self to possibility.
There are so many.
There is no doubt that change in life can come in an instant and from unsuspecting places. I have also experienced the truth that trust is not earned, it is given. In moments of intense growth and change we choose to give our trust to those who would receive it and support us in that emergent instant. Though I often think I am fairly knowledgable that does not make me a guru or a fool so my trusting will be better as I familiarize myself with the ways of God. And when I say God I mean God in all its many forms.
I recognized that I was never taught how to love and have been trying to figure out how to do it "correctly" for some time, in hopes that it would protect me from life's struggles. And as a rule I often ask myself, what would I want for me if I were in the other person's shoes. Sometimes that leads me to live free from conventional wisdom sometimes not. Sometimes I must dig deep to rise to the level of maturity to be the person I want to see in the world. Just how and when do we learn to love? Who teaches us this all important value? Do we abide by some universal definition? Can we make it up and then change it as we go along? I think so. There are some people that I love and I know why. Others that I love, I have no frame of reference, experientially to explain it, I just do. But I think the error here for me is that I am not talking about love at all but affection or a certain commraderie. As I think on it, love is a state of being which when known in earnest, extends to all things, situations, and people. This type of love is an understanding of my place in the world and the value God places in me and I in it. Love in this way leaves no thing untouched and is not limited by life experience. When I choose to connect to this love I can say I love you without hesitation. No matter who or what you are choosing to be in the world.
Now, being aware of this love, does it mean I must dwell in the presence of those who do not know my value or worth or choose not to connect with me. I choose not! It does not mean I love less because I turn away. In so doing, I honor my own creation path as well as that of the other. They are entitled to their experience in what ever form they choose to create it. I am entitled to mine. Today, I decided that I would not participate in a friendship that left me feeling less than valued. For an instant I thought, will this person understand? Am I running away? Am I over reacting? Can I help them? and then I realized that I am free to have what I will to have in my life and to gain the good I must risk. And so I kept it moving. After all, What do I have to lose in letting go of something that left me feeling small?
There are so many.
There is no doubt that change in life can come in an instant and from unsuspecting places. I have also experienced the truth that trust is not earned, it is given. In moments of intense growth and change we choose to give our trust to those who would receive it and support us in that emergent instant. Though I often think I am fairly knowledgable that does not make me a guru or a fool so my trusting will be better as I familiarize myself with the ways of God. And when I say God I mean God in all its many forms.
I recognized that I was never taught how to love and have been trying to figure out how to do it "correctly" for some time, in hopes that it would protect me from life's struggles. And as a rule I often ask myself, what would I want for me if I were in the other person's shoes. Sometimes that leads me to live free from conventional wisdom sometimes not. Sometimes I must dig deep to rise to the level of maturity to be the person I want to see in the world. Just how and when do we learn to love? Who teaches us this all important value? Do we abide by some universal definition? Can we make it up and then change it as we go along? I think so. There are some people that I love and I know why. Others that I love, I have no frame of reference, experientially to explain it, I just do. But I think the error here for me is that I am not talking about love at all but affection or a certain commraderie. As I think on it, love is a state of being which when known in earnest, extends to all things, situations, and people. This type of love is an understanding of my place in the world and the value God places in me and I in it. Love in this way leaves no thing untouched and is not limited by life experience. When I choose to connect to this love I can say I love you without hesitation. No matter who or what you are choosing to be in the world.
Now, being aware of this love, does it mean I must dwell in the presence of those who do not know my value or worth or choose not to connect with me. I choose not! It does not mean I love less because I turn away. In so doing, I honor my own creation path as well as that of the other. They are entitled to their experience in what ever form they choose to create it. I am entitled to mine. Today, I decided that I would not participate in a friendship that left me feeling less than valued. For an instant I thought, will this person understand? Am I running away? Am I over reacting? Can I help them? and then I realized that I am free to have what I will to have in my life and to gain the good I must risk. And so I kept it moving. After all, What do I have to lose in letting go of something that left me feeling small?
What We Do
I'm diggin the note
we right truths in quote's
to keep son's on hour hopes
fly baby mama's
Hanging on by a rope
but we dope
no time to perpetrate
I've got food to make
orders to take
smiles to fake
sweet baby father's no time for the struggle
to busy makin love to the hustle
burying the death of a dream
in between
the lines
of, "girl you know you mine"
and "Damn you fine"
sitting on the block
forgetting their yesteday's
lost track of young son's earthday's
with transformers
like Octimus prime
so your child support is behind
but we hold it down
better than soldiers
we stand on shoulders
strong like boulders
we build...
out of insanity
a future for humanity
without the falseness of vanity
we are the future....
we right truths in quote's
to keep son's on hour hopes
fly baby mama's
Hanging on by a rope
but we dope
no time to perpetrate
I've got food to make
orders to take
smiles to fake
sweet baby father's no time for the struggle
to busy makin love to the hustle
burying the death of a dream
in between
the lines
of, "girl you know you mine"
and "Damn you fine"
sitting on the block
forgetting their yesteday's
lost track of young son's earthday's
with transformers
like Octimus prime
so your child support is behind
but we hold it down
better than soldiers
we stand on shoulders
strong like boulders
we build...
out of insanity
a future for humanity
without the falseness of vanity
we are the future....
How do I.....
So I'm thinking today of all the things that are important to me and wondering how to make them all a reality. I contemplate one of the most powerful things on my mind right now and that is finding a mate that is compatible with me. Each time I approach this thought in my mind I wonder why I have not created this for my self in all the time I say I've been seeking it. I think that some of the process is impeded by fear at being rejected. Most of us have been rejected at some time or another and many times we aren't sure where it all when wrong and therefore are not sure how to avoid it in the future. When my marriage failed I questioned myself relentlessly in order to comprehend what I had missed or though I had missed.
I wondered if it was my body, my smile, my style, my child ( and I mean literally my child) or what. I asked him was it too much sex (cause I wanted it all the time, as a replacement for the lack of intimacy) what was the problem!!! He told me he just didn't want to do it anymore. To me, I could not reconcile that idea to my view of the world. That someone could simply decide that they want out and do it! Be out! Go! No matter how much criticism they got. Sooner or later I started to admire this trait. What ever a person wants they are responsible for making it happen. So as I apply this logic to my connection (or lack there of) to a partner I wonder??? Why haven't I made this happen. I've made a lot of other things happen! A friend gave me a car, I receive gifts from my friends all the time, and I am fairly successful in my career. Whats the hang up here? Somewhere I had put up a wall to protect me against the confusion that I felt at the "end" of my marriage and therefore had put up a block to many of the other more authentic emotions as well.
Where do I go from here? I have decide to allow intimacy into my life. Rather it is on a physical, mental or spiritual level. I choose to share my life with dynamic human beings and to share their lives with them. Even as I write this I think of a situation that challenges me in this area.
I have a friend that I find extremely attractive, however, he has not expressed this sentiment to me. We spend some time together and it is very enjoyable... and platonic. Some part of me wants to demand more and another part of me says to enjoy what this person has to offer. So I listen to the better suggestion and .... enjoy my friend for who he is! I do not hold back in saying "hey, I miss you" or "wish you were here" but I do it with an open hand and mind that he is free to express his appreciation for me by spending time with me. I am blessed to have many friends in my life that love and adore me (thank you God that they are there. I don't know what I'd do without them!) and I love, adore an trust them as well. How do I translate this abundance of love into the kind of relationship that I want? I am willing to learn. I am willing to listen. I am willing to grow. no better yet, I am choosing to learn. I am choosing to listen. I am choosing to grow.
I wondered if it was my body, my smile, my style, my child ( and I mean literally my child) or what. I asked him was it too much sex (cause I wanted it all the time, as a replacement for the lack of intimacy) what was the problem!!! He told me he just didn't want to do it anymore. To me, I could not reconcile that idea to my view of the world. That someone could simply decide that they want out and do it! Be out! Go! No matter how much criticism they got. Sooner or later I started to admire this trait. What ever a person wants they are responsible for making it happen. So as I apply this logic to my connection (or lack there of) to a partner I wonder??? Why haven't I made this happen. I've made a lot of other things happen! A friend gave me a car, I receive gifts from my friends all the time, and I am fairly successful in my career. Whats the hang up here? Somewhere I had put up a wall to protect me against the confusion that I felt at the "end" of my marriage and therefore had put up a block to many of the other more authentic emotions as well.
Where do I go from here? I have decide to allow intimacy into my life. Rather it is on a physical, mental or spiritual level. I choose to share my life with dynamic human beings and to share their lives with them. Even as I write this I think of a situation that challenges me in this area.
I have a friend that I find extremely attractive, however, he has not expressed this sentiment to me. We spend some time together and it is very enjoyable... and platonic. Some part of me wants to demand more and another part of me says to enjoy what this person has to offer. So I listen to the better suggestion and .... enjoy my friend for who he is! I do not hold back in saying "hey, I miss you" or "wish you were here" but I do it with an open hand and mind that he is free to express his appreciation for me by spending time with me. I am blessed to have many friends in my life that love and adore me (thank you God that they are there. I don't know what I'd do without them!) and I love, adore an trust them as well. How do I translate this abundance of love into the kind of relationship that I want? I am willing to learn. I am willing to listen. I am willing to grow. no better yet, I am choosing to learn. I am choosing to listen. I am choosing to grow.
Monday, January 12, 2009
My Daughter is NOT a Crack Hoe
Where do I begin? I'll start with the present. I am currently 33 and shortly after I turn 34 I will also become a grand mother, a mut mut, granny, grandma, GRAND YaYa! Yes..... I am. (You're thinking she's one hot granny...lol ) Now I know this brings a lot of questions to mind and most of you are probably counting on your fingers trying to figure out how it is possible numerically. Surely some of your calculations are correct and others may not be but either way, I am gonna be a granny. This seems to be a pattern that the women in my family line tend to follow, early onset of mother hood. For most of my life I saw this as a curse to be broken. (since I at the ripe old age of 14 years 363 days gave birth to my first beautiful baby girl) I listened to the statistics, saw the worry in the eyes of my family and felt the rejection at my school. I wondered at how quickly they feared for my life. As if chidbirth was like SARS or the ebola virus or small pox even. I wept often at the disappointment I felt was coming my way, but finally found a ralling point! My brain still worked and I wasn't restricted from going to school. So, I did. And a lot happened in between then and now. But, That is not the focus of this note. For all those reasons I protected my daughter as best I could from following the same path. Eventhough I (and countless other marvelous women) had found success and peace with it. In an effort to deter her I included her in the birth process of both of her siblings. For the first birth she was only 11years old! Yes people, I had her present for the whole thing. Legs spread, squating and loud breathing. She wasn't alone though, as some consolation, she was supported by more than 10 others who were also present to welcome this ancestor back. I also gave her books about sexuality and talked with her about her questions. (within reason for her age and maturity level) All this I did and much more to try and stave off the haunting sensation that she would be as I was and inter the Priesthood of MOMMY too soon. And yes, I said Priesthood. Being a Mom and a Grand YAYA requires some laughing Buddah and Monk like qualities. Though those characteristics rise to the front, they do not arrive there with out sincere choice being the vehicle. My entry into the priesthood of MOMMY was just like in blackbelt theater when the peasant goes to join the fighting monks and gets a lesson in how to do your chores but do them with peace. My grandmother, who was raising me, had not special words, no pampering, or harsh words for that matter. She, like the quiet monks on the mountain, kept to her path and only gave an example of how to wash out those cloth diapers and to keep up with my chores and responsibilities. At the time, I did not comprehend the concern that she must have held for me. Just as I have concerns for my daughter. But I say to my self in those times when I hear her crying on the phone with her soon to be, yet reluctant, co-parent: "My daughter is not a Crack Hoe! Yeah!!!! How's that for perspective. There are so many things that come in life to challenge each of us. For some its drug addicted parents, for others its illness like cancer or in my case a parent with mental health challenges. And so far, my daughter has graduated 2nd in her class, she is enrolled in college, she works 1 or 2 jobs at times and we get along well and treat each other with kindness and respect. So if I could spin the wheel of misfortune to get some other challenge, I wouldn't. I'd stick with this one. After all, if God thought so little of her, me, us would she have sent us a little one? I do not advocate that all teenagers should get pregnant and that it is the best path, just that it is not a death sentence or the end of a life. (just the opposite ;-) We will grow through this and become more of who we are. I know I did. My first understanding of my God-ness was the reflection in my daughters eyes. I knew that I was perfect when she looked at me and it made me want to be the best me I could be. She reminded me that there was so much more to life than morning the dysfunction of my family or the poverty of my home. That there is God and in God there is possibility. Now we get to have so much more! Tua Neter for this opportunity. Thank you all for your support. We love and welcome you. Stay tuned, I'd like to share this experience with you. You all share such beautiful light. By the way, as I was driving to bus boys and poets I was listening to an ad for Dominion Fertility Center and thought , "How ironic, we tell our daughers to wait, wait, wait, while other people who waited have to pay, pay, pay to experience the blessing of childbirth. Do you find this interestng too? We have pushed the birth age back past optimal health for birth and watch the decline of (some) populations birth rates. Why have we come to view children has a hardship? And who's idea is this anyway? Well, I get to grow out of it! More cheers for me! Thanks guys for reading. Drop a comment or just say AMEN!
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