I had gotten in the habit of saying no. No to support, no to dating someone younger or "too old", no to trying something unusual, no to intimacy, no to sexuality and to sex, no to everything that made me afraid or gave me that jittery feeling in my stomach. I would look at a guy and say what about this person makes me uneasy and is it enough to disqualify them? What is that about? Well for me it is about creating safety where I felt insecure. But at the same time, it blocked out a lot of the good things that people could and would offer my life. I am conciously saying to myself, relax now and breath. Where can I be more receptive and more at ease? I asked myself just last night as I sat across the table from a man who is 6years my Jr. "What about this is making me uneasy?" and I realized that instead of accepting his admiration I was thinking of how others might perceive our being out together. In my worry I wasn't allowing myself to feel the love that the universe was sharing with me. So at the point where he was sharing a conversation he had with a relative that he was going on a date, and he says to me with a smile "this is a date right" I said yes. Yes it is! Why not? And we had a good time. I felt at ease. Thank you, you know who you are.
Earlier that day, I had a desire to connect with a man who has offered me support in a way that I haven't accepted or chosen for myself in a long time. I sat with my phone in hand and debated about rather or not I should call. I asked myself "What are you calling to talk about?" "What do you want?" I wondered if he would think I was needy or unstable. I didn't know if I would appear to be pursuing him for all the wrong reasons. And numerous other ideas born of fear and internal refusal to just accept love when it arrives. So I see that my own lack of receptivity had interfered with my ability to understand and receive the love I said I wanted. So I called. I didn't know what to say. But we talked anyway. Just about who we were, where we are from and all that. When I calmed down I could see that I just wanted to reach out and see that his support would be there and not evaporate when I wanted to connect. I don't know how this will play out in my growth process but I'm glad that I called. I said yes. Yes to being connected. I made a choice to connect,... to accept and be accepted.
That morning I had the honor of being a support to someone I love dearly and deeply. It was a mild stone in our relationship. We were able to build trust in a way that we had not experienced yet together. I was very happy to have been an instrument for the healing process. At certain points I would remind myself to breath as I reminded her to breath. I would inhale and ask God to show me how to be a contribution in this moment and God would move us forward. So I thought, as I am blessed to support so must others be blessed to support me and its a wonderful web of connection and interdependence that takes everyone to a greater level of awareness and love.
In case you haven't noticed that I've written about my day in reverse from night to morning. Well thats just how I was thinking about it. And if you're reading this know that your contribution to my life and my process is welcomed. I've had some responses that have really been helpful. You guys are great! I have chosen to connect on a deeper level with myself and those in my life. Thank you all for being the reflections of love that you are. Have a wonderful, spiritfilled 2K9!
About Me

- Surama Amen
- Washington, DC, District of Columbia, United States
- Honest to goodness, Life! Let's be honest for a change. With ourselves, with each other and with the world.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
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