How do I.....

So I'm thinking today of all the things that are important to me and wondering how to make them all a reality. I contemplate one of the most powerful things on my mind right now and that is finding a mate that is compatible with me. Each time I approach this thought in my mind I wonder why I have not created this for my self in all the time I say I've been seeking it. I think that some of the process is impeded by fear at being rejected. Most of us have been rejected at some time or another and many times we aren't sure where it all when wrong and therefore are not sure how to avoid it in the future. When my marriage failed I questioned myself relentlessly in order to comprehend what I had missed or though I had missed.
I wondered if it was my body, my smile, my style, my child ( and I mean literally my child) or what. I asked him was it too much sex (cause I wanted it all the time, as a replacement for the lack of intimacy) what was the problem!!! He told me he just didn't want to do it anymore. To me, I could not reconcile that idea to my view of the world. That someone could simply decide that they want out and do it! Be out! Go! No matter how much criticism they got. Sooner or later I started to admire this trait. What ever a person wants they are responsible for making it happen. So as I apply this logic to my connection (or lack there of) to a partner I wonder??? Why haven't I made this happen. I've made a lot of other things happen! A friend gave me a car, I receive gifts from my friends all the time, and I am fairly successful in my career. Whats the hang up here? Somewhere I had put up a wall to protect me against the confusion that I felt at the "end" of my marriage and therefore had put up a block to many of the other more authentic emotions as well.
Where do I go from here? I have decide to allow intimacy into my life. Rather it is on a physical, mental or spiritual level. I choose to share my life with dynamic human beings and to share their lives with them. Even as I write this I think of a situation that challenges me in this area.
I have a friend that I find extremely attractive, however, he has not expressed this sentiment to me. We spend some time together and it is very enjoyable... and platonic. Some part of me wants to demand more and another part of me says to enjoy what this person has to offer. So I listen to the better suggestion and .... enjoy my friend for who he is! I do not hold back in saying "hey, I miss you" or "wish you were here" but I do it with an open hand and mind that he is free to express his appreciation for me by spending time with me. I am blessed to have many friends in my life that love and adore me (thank you God that they are there. I don't know what I'd do without them!) and I love, adore an trust them as well. How do I translate this abundance of love into the kind of relationship that I want? I am willing to learn. I am willing to listen. I am willing to grow. no better yet, I am choosing to learn. I am choosing to listen. I am choosing to grow.