Fragile!? Who?! Me!!?

Today and yesterday, I was plagued with a feeling of fragility. Perhaps plague is not the appropriate term but in touch with a feeling of fragility. I had/have a desire to connect in a way that is peaceful and up lifting. Initially this "feeling" was met with resistance and I wondered why. In my life experience I taught myself that I needed to be invincible that no matter what, I would have to do it! What ever the it was. The root of this conundrum....... is that I expected my Father and Mother (some one out side myself) to be my hero. But they could not. somehow I translated this to mean that I should not connect and share my experience fully with others. So I became "STRONG!" A true do it yourselfer! My connection even with myself was put aside. I grew out of touch with my body, mind and spirit. Like an automaton robot. I was in Nike mode, "just do it". My sensitivity to my body's signals was all but lost. I would go, and go, and go until I would collapse from exhaustion or lash out in anger because I was depleted. I eventually lost touch with other more feminine aspects of my nature. How to nurture or allow myself to be nurtured.
Fear had me in its clutches and I did not know how to let go. Adulthood found me with a continuation of this same thread of conciousness. Not only did I refuse this for myself, I demanded that others do the same. ie. "Get youself together", "Toughen up!" and all other such expressions of power and control. In truth other peoples sensitivity was scary and reminded me of my own disconnect from my needs. I could not give to others what I would not give to myself.

My experience in this societal structure is that the female principle is not highly regarded (perhaps my experience reflects my own internal reality, since my history did not support being receptive or the idea that to need someone is ok even if they can't come through for you). Consequently, I did not regard it highly and sought to put it aside. I told my self that the way that the masculine principle functioned was better and safer and that I should use it as my predominant way of handling life's challenges. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing lacking in the masculine way of doing things. Its just that to use only one way of being is imbalanced, rather it be feminine or masculine. I am acknowledging that my feminine principle was on hiatus.

Thankfully I realized with the help of some very wonderful people that I have a choice now. I am free to change and create a new experience.

So........ "Here's to good friends, tonight is kind of special" ...lol you know the old commercial

I allow myself to be fragile today, to say to my friends and loved ones I want to connect with you because you remind/reflect the greatness in me and because I am a part of the whole. I give myself love through the hearts and hands in my life. I am grateful that I can relax and give over to the ministration of trustworthy people. I open my heart and arms to you, and to myself! Thank God I don't have to be "strong" all the time and that I can allow myself to be lifted up by others.