White Night at the Ledo's...

So last night I walk into the Ledo's pizza to get this salad that I love from there. I'm working on a goal and so needed to have the lettuce be a part of my diet for the evening. Anyway, I walk in and go to my usual table, the third one on the left. I go in and put down my books, take off my hat, coat, gloves and have a seat. Before I could sit down I notice a brother in the booth behind me. He’s with a white woman. But I’m cool. It really ain’t my business so I sit down, order my food, and start to read. Before long, the table in front of me is taken. I notice there’s a handsome brother, and again he’s with a white woman. So I watch them for a minute. Trying to figure out what the draw is. Where do they fit? I’m imagining that they must have something in common. So I’m thinking, now I’m a single black woman, sitting alone between two black men with white women. Ok, maybe God is trying to tell me something here. But I continue reading and start to enjoy my salad. The book I’m reading gives me lots of opportunity to stop and think about my life and what my life says about me. I’m gazing out of the window and low and behold the table two tables down is taken as well. You guessed it!! Another brother with a white woman! Now, by this time, I know that God is trying to tell me something. And it ain’t about black men, or men or white women either. Its about me. I’m looking at this picture and I see tables 1 and 2 with an interracial couple me by my self, and table 4 also with an interracial couple all in a row. So I ask God, “what is this about?” And I hear, “You have limited yourself by saying you only date ‘Black’”. I realize that I can not blame the black man or the white woman for the choice I made to only date black men. I am responsible for the choice I made. I thought to myself, do I only “date black” because it is all I know? Is it because I am afraid that men of other races will not understand my need for hair grease and lotion (everyday)? Is it because I do not feel equal to the challenge of embracing another culture that is no less valuable and beautiful than mine? Perhaps, I have only dated black men because my ancestors were at the mercy of white men and I feel some need to remedy their experience with my own. Maybe, I haven’t met anyone of another culture that moved me or I haven’t allowed myself to be moved. I don’t know. But I do know that experiences in whatever form, must be a result of MY choices not because of someone else’s or based on fear and ignorance.

Those men and women (and I did leave off the black and white labels for a reason) chose to connect with each other for what ever reasons. I honor and respect that. I give myself the freedom to date men (and marry if I choose), whatever their color, whatever their culture, if I find them interesting. I will to eliminate my need to classify based on age. Now, I know this ain’t gonna be easy, but it will happen and I will take those steps as the universe presents them to me. I challenge all the other single women sitting alone with their salads to think out side the little black box and see what’s out there. Push it to the limit if you will. My uncle married a Korean, my brother’s wife is white, my cousin’s husband is a Mennonite. So hey, there are so many ways to live and so many opportunities to find love. I am officially open to the possibilities!

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What do you want! What do you want! What do you want? Ask your self this question. And listen for the answer. True enough some of the anwers will be mundane like water, food, sleep, peace, sex, cloths, a new car or a new job. But there will also be those deeper more sincere yearnings that come up. The ones you find hard to share becasue you fear that you might not get them. Then sometimes you want something that goes against everything you stand, at least as it relates to those who are closest to you. Sometimes I'm like that. For instances, I like someone that one of my good friends thinks isn't worth the effort while my other friends thinks he definitely likes me and I should just chill. Then I had a craving to smoke a cuban cigar. I couldn't get that but I did get a fat cigar and I smoked it. Not something I do all the time but I wanted to buy one for once in my life and do it. So I did. And I shared it and I liked it. I'll probably have another one in June for my B'day. Overall, I am getting in tune with my star F@#%*ng player! Catching up with me. All of me. I also bought a pair of handcuffs and a coupla feather boas just for the hell of it. You never know when you might need something like that. ;-) If you haven't need them already. At one time, I would have been too embarrased to buy them but oh, well, those days are passed I'm here in the now. Sometimes staing in tune with myself is a real adventure because every moment is a time to create myself again. So I ask myself, will I follow "the rules" of what it means to be a "good girl" or will I be as alive as I can. When I'm an old, old woman and I tell my stories will they be filled with vitality like the stories my grand mother told me. Will my grand children think me experienced enought that my widsom is priceless. Will I look back and regret? Will I regret not loving enough while I worried about being embarrased or rejected? Now, I've always been a bit off track ,not allowing the traditional paths prescribed for me. But am I ready to ask that brother out. Am I ready to say, whatever, if he says yes or no and still be in tune? Right now I wonder if I'm in tune enough with my star F@#$%ng PLAYER to leave my job to do what I love and make a living of it? Tonight, I say No. nope. I'm not. Soon though. I see it coming. And here's why. Today, I played that GodDamn Dancing game inthe arcade. And that sh#$ was fun!!! Me and my cousins. In that moment I got over myself and did something completely rediculous. And I liked it. We traded out and competed with ourselves and with each other. And I laughed at myself. I didn't take myself so serious that I would miss a great time with my family. Each moment is filled with the possibilities of the next and being free in that moment is the same as being free in every other moment. So yeah, I got in tune with my Star Fucking Player today and played a silly game. And had fun. What did you do today! Hope it was as fun as mine.