Living with Schizophrenia

I am living with schizophrenia. What does that mean? What DOES that MEAN? It means that it affects my life daily. That somehow it shapes my view of the world and how I function in it. It means that I can not escape it. Sometimes it means that I have to hide things or that some things are conspicuously missing from the explanation of me. I have been living with this since I was 5. It’s really hard to do growing up in Mississippi. Most people don't talk about mental health and wellness. If someone was mentally unstable they usually ended up in the back room and the family took care of them when they had spells. It was just un-spoken that “Uncle JR had a problem” and that “yall know how he is”. So for most of my life I didn’t understand what it meant to live with this disease. I took it personal! Like God was changing up the rules with out telling me. It seemed spiteful that each time I got comfortable there would be this upheaval and all of my life, like the dishes or furniture would be turned over on the floor. How do I control this? I had no idea. I didn’t understand the nature of being addicted to leaving the medication. I thought it was hate and anger that caused this behavior. I thought that being good would save me. I tried and tried to see a pattern. There wasn’t one. How could someone see things that had not, could not happen? Like why would I want to sleep with an older man who I thought was gross? I wondered. And wondered. And wondered. And witnessed the degradation of relationships. I felt powerless. Why wouldn’t any one explain what was happening to me? How could you ignore the pain that I was experiencing? I don’t know if understanding would have prevented the woundings that took place. But it couldn’t have hurt things. Where were the responsible health care providers who are supposed to advocate for children and education? It took a long time for me to figure out how to live with this disease and I’m still working on it. I’m still healing. I’m still insatiable when it comes to reading and getting information about it. It has made me aware of my mental state and when I am overloaded. I am sensitive to an individual’s mental state when I’m talking to them. It’s in the eyes you know. Those of you who have family members with mental health issues, or if you feel stressed or depressed, get help. In what ever form or shape it may be. See a priest or a doctor or talk to your best friend. But… DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!! Believe it or not, they pick up on what you are going through. And it affects them. Deeply. Just as your experiences help shape you, their experience of you helps to shape them. If you know me you are probably thinking, “Wow, I didn’t know she had schizophrenia!!” and I DON’T!!! My mother does. I have lived with it all my life. It has shaped my experience just as it shaped her’s. It has played a part in making me who I am. As the child of a woman with mental health challenges, I was not educated about what was happening with/to her. There are still huge gaps regarding my mother’s health history and what she was going through. The lack of information left me to make up my own story as a child and I felt a lot of pain and confusion regarding her love for me. Granted, her illness was/is not intentional and I know that now. I didn’t know it then. It felt personal. The effects of illness, of any kind, go far beyond the single individual physically affected. When parents suffer so do their children. No matter how we try to hide and shield them. It is better to communicate with them. If the family is financially in trouble, explain the plan. Even if it is incomplete. Let them be a part of the process, so that when they become adults they have some perspective on what it means to be responsible and they don’t have to reinvent the wheel. (They can try your old plan out for size) We don’t show our children why the cable had to be turned off, or why mommy has to stay in bed today, or the dialysis machines that have to be used, or where the heart meds are in case of emergency. But that doesn’t save them when disaster strikes. We must incorporate our children into the progress and efficient functioning of the family. That is how future generations will move beyond our greatest achievements.

Thankfully, I have learned enough to know that my mother loves me. Dearly. She made some sacrifices for me that I didn’t understand until I became a parent. She allowed me to have what she could not give me. I am proud of her. She is independent and fully functional. My mother is a strong woman. No matter what happens, she keep coming back and trying again. She had the courage to reconnect with me no matter what the circumstances. I love her. Even her doctors find her amazing. Her grandchildren think she is the absolute best and would do anything to spend the weekend at her place. (could be the snacks….lol) I admire her commitment to grow and be responsible for her health. And more than anything else,…….. SHE’S MINE, MINE, MINE. She’s my mother and there aint nobody who can take her place. I love you Momma.