and learn what we do not know. We live what we know and share our lives with others.
A coupla days ago I was on my way home and decided to stop into the National shrine. For those of you who don't know about this place, its Beautiful! Its located in Washington DC and is a collection of shrines to the "Virgin Mother" from all over the world. Yeah,Yeah, I know some of you have a one sided view of the whole virgin mother thing and react strongly to the mention of this icon. However, I have my own view of this that I would like to offer you.
When I think of Mary I think of the single mindedness of a woman's dedication to providing for her loved ones, the way a mother will stop at nothing to see her child succeed, the way a wife will stand by her husband through thick and thin, the way "big momma"/Madea (Mother Dear) Holds the family together. I think about the way this energy will drive someone to reach beyond themselves to serve, save and elevate the family and community. This type of devotion and dedication is what generates change in our homes, our schools, and our communities. Not to mention that each of them looks different! They come from all over the world and the architecture is fabulous.
As I walk through the various shrine rooms and read the prayers of others, I think of all the reverent energy and thought directed toward God. I soak up this connection that is present.
Disclaimer: This is not a subscription to the catholic religion. It is respect for spirit no matter where it is found.
I sit and listen, I walk and think, I kneel and pray. I open to hear the insight of spirit as I release my stresses of the day. And this is what was said.
We teach what we believe and learn what we do not know. We live what we know and share our lives with others.
What does this mean? Depending on how you think about it, and how you emphasize it when you read, it could mean several different things. For me, it reminded me of "The Witch of Portabello" where the main character was instructed to teach and that the teaching did not require and specific/particular content but that the content would come out of the intention to teach. Teaching gives voice to our beliefs, things that have not yet become so much a part of our being that words do not come forth to describe them. Sorta like trying to put your whole life into words. You can't. You have to live it.
In our desire and determination to teach, we realize those things in us that we have not yet come to know. Those points of inconsistency in our practice, the insecurity and unsure points in the positions we've taken become apparent when we decide to teach them. Like they say, " if you want a person to learn something, ask them to teach someone else."
The things we know. We live. For instance, we know that fire burns and therefore do not jump into it, or touch it with out serious provocation or extreme need. We avoid it at all cost. This we live, and our behavior need not be explained. (at least not very often, and then only to those who are recently inhabiting bodies, otherwise its assumed to be an understanding that everyone older than 2 has acquired pretty well)
When we share our lives with young ones, they imitate our understanding of fire. They come to respect it because we do. They learn to light stoves, ovens, fire places, incense, candles, lanterns.... and all with out setting themselves or the house on fire. (again, generally speaking. I'm not referring to accidents or pyromania, or other unusual circumstances.)
All of us have heard the phrase, "don't do as I do, do as I say" and we've also heard, "children learn what they live". I introduce these two phrases to illustrate the fact that the power of our living, and teaching even, is in our own integrity. Only what we live with conviction is truly transferable to another. When we become the concept through our living ( the act of knowing something) can we be that for another and therefore expose them to the process of being (knowing something) anything.
This is why no matter what your parents tell you about sex and alcohol, most people will at least try it once. (usually more than that, and I did say most, not all). I grew up in a place that said we should not have sex or drink alcohol. They didn't tell us what we should do, just that we should wait. They didn't, which was evidenced in the very small age gaps between us and our parents. They forgot we could count! So, as soon as opportunity presented itself, we were off to the races, doing every thing we could figure to do. The abstinence advocates had no real conviction regarding the utility of waiting. I know people with different experiences of course but I'm focused on those who lacked conviction or reason for the waiting.
So what Surama! Whats the point of all this? You might be asking. The point is, each of us has something to teach! Teach it! And you'll know yourself better. The better you KNOW yourself, the more you will transmit through your life. Let your life be an example to back up your lessons, the closer they align the more powerful you will know yourself to be. And within it all remember love. For self, family and community.
About Me
- Surama Amen
- Washington, DC, District of Columbia, United States
- Honest to goodness, Life! Let's be honest for a change. With ourselves, with each other and with the world.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monogamy?....Monogamy....Monogamy! 102909
What is monogamy? I know some of my sista's don't really want to hear anymore from me surrounding this subject. But I have to say these things and I really do look forward to some honest dialog. We have to be the voice of reason for each other.
When I was struggling with this issue in my own relationship, (not that I'm so over it), the idea of monogamy I devised for myself is this:
Monogamy/monogamous: When you and another person agree to bear witness to the life and times of each other. When you decide to simply be another pair of eyes to observe the development of a God. The choice to say Amen (peace) to all of another's life challenges.
Love in its own right does not demand control. It has not external requirements. It is a consistent lighting of the path of peace. Love really does not get offended. Cause if that were the case, God would have discontinued its services long ago.
The fact is, most of us use monogamy as a tool of total domination.(cheer announcer voice with lasers: Total Domination!) We only accept our beloved when he or she is being good. Not remembering that what another person does aint got nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with who they are choosing to be. How YOU RESPOND has everything to do with you. And I mean, evaluate your response with the removal of excuses. Like for instances, we broke up because he was always late and that made me feel like he didn't respect my time or me. (personal one here folks) Now, I could have corrected this by moving ahead with my plans and not adjusting to accommodate this individual beyond what I found enjoyable, which would have been more powerful, since I would have insured my own self importance. But I didn't. I focused outwardly, and broke it off. And now, I am repeating this lesson with someone else.
I recognize when trying to put this into words that this is a complex issue that is recommended only for those choosing total responsibility. And I do mean TOTAL responsibility for all that they experience. I crafted my definition of monogamy out of my own drive toward total responsibility. I recognized that my capacity to love went beyond the need to control someone. Or to submit to someone else's control.
Most of all, I guess I've been tryna figure out why, Why, WHY this issue is so *&^T important to the concept of love. How many relationships would still be intact if we released the need to control and stroke our own ego's? And I know this paradigmn is not common and I grapple with it when someone I want to spend time with is too busy, or not responsive, or not interested even. So do I get mad? Do I punish them later? Or do I feel gratitude for the opportunity to see the others in my life that I can also enjoy? Learning to flow folks is key! Open up and realize that all worthy relationships will bring you deep and lasting change if you let it.
Do you equate putting it on lock with love? Are you still tryna figure out how to stop ya wo/man from cheating, or wanting to cheat, or thinking of cheating, or planning on cheating? Are you tryna foil his/her plans to get out the box? But more than that, Is it working? Are you happy when he/she submits to your will? Are you satisfied when they stop tryna be bigger/larger than life? Is it your wish that they stay home and stare at you and only do what you enjoy? Where do we draw the line?
Disclaimer: I am not advocating irresponsible and reckless behavior that can result in death, dismemberment, emotional destruction to anyone outside of your self. If sex is the issue, use a condom. Other wise, do you.
When I was a pseudo monogamist, I adhered to the classic rendition of monogamy, cause I was afraid of anything else and because I was a control freak and believed that by being in control of that I would be happier. Now, I'm learning to love. Instead of control. It has taken time to develop a sense of self that allows others to also be themselves. But damn it folks....
I really want to say, "Stay together, love each other, be patient, say amen once in a while, when you aren't sure what to do next, just try love and acceptance. (not agreement, acceptance) I know it can work. If we work it on out this life time"
When I was struggling with this issue in my own relationship, (not that I'm so over it), the idea of monogamy I devised for myself is this:
Monogamy/monogamous: When you and another person agree to bear witness to the life and times of each other. When you decide to simply be another pair of eyes to observe the development of a God. The choice to say Amen (peace) to all of another's life challenges.
Love in its own right does not demand control. It has not external requirements. It is a consistent lighting of the path of peace. Love really does not get offended. Cause if that were the case, God would have discontinued its services long ago.
The fact is, most of us use monogamy as a tool of total domination.(cheer announcer voice with lasers: Total Domination!) We only accept our beloved when he or she is being good. Not remembering that what another person does aint got nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with who they are choosing to be. How YOU RESPOND has everything to do with you. And I mean, evaluate your response with the removal of excuses. Like for instances, we broke up because he was always late and that made me feel like he didn't respect my time or me. (personal one here folks) Now, I could have corrected this by moving ahead with my plans and not adjusting to accommodate this individual beyond what I found enjoyable, which would have been more powerful, since I would have insured my own self importance. But I didn't. I focused outwardly, and broke it off. And now, I am repeating this lesson with someone else.
I recognize when trying to put this into words that this is a complex issue that is recommended only for those choosing total responsibility. And I do mean TOTAL responsibility for all that they experience. I crafted my definition of monogamy out of my own drive toward total responsibility. I recognized that my capacity to love went beyond the need to control someone. Or to submit to someone else's control.
Most of all, I guess I've been tryna figure out why, Why, WHY this issue is so *&^T important to the concept of love. How many relationships would still be intact if we released the need to control and stroke our own ego's? And I know this paradigmn is not common and I grapple with it when someone I want to spend time with is too busy, or not responsive, or not interested even. So do I get mad? Do I punish them later? Or do I feel gratitude for the opportunity to see the others in my life that I can also enjoy? Learning to flow folks is key! Open up and realize that all worthy relationships will bring you deep and lasting change if you let it.
Do you equate putting it on lock with love? Are you still tryna figure out how to stop ya wo/man from cheating, or wanting to cheat, or thinking of cheating, or planning on cheating? Are you tryna foil his/her plans to get out the box? But more than that, Is it working? Are you happy when he/she submits to your will? Are you satisfied when they stop tryna be bigger/larger than life? Is it your wish that they stay home and stare at you and only do what you enjoy? Where do we draw the line?
Disclaimer: I am not advocating irresponsible and reckless behavior that can result in death, dismemberment, emotional destruction to anyone outside of your self. If sex is the issue, use a condom. Other wise, do you.
When I was a pseudo monogamist, I adhered to the classic rendition of monogamy, cause I was afraid of anything else and because I was a control freak and believed that by being in control of that I would be happier. Now, I'm learning to love. Instead of control. It has taken time to develop a sense of self that allows others to also be themselves. But damn it folks....
I really want to say, "Stay together, love each other, be patient, say amen once in a while, when you aren't sure what to do next, just try love and acceptance. (not agreement, acceptance) I know it can work. If we work it on out this life time"
How do I...102909
Put into words the extremity of change that I experience.
How can I put into words the days I spend retreating from my life trying to get a view of things from the top.
How can I put into words the reason I need all day Saturday in my bed.
How can I put into words how much I need you.
How can I put into words how powerful I know I am.
How can I put into words how afraid I am of that power.
How can I put into words how deeply I want to live my life with no regrets or doubt.
How can I put into words the level of importance God holds in my daily decisions.
How can I put into words what it means when I trust you anyway, even though you don't really want me to.
How can I put into words what it is I'm really offering you.
How can I put into words the complexity that is me.
How can I put into words the duality of my being, don't you feel it too.
How can I put into words what I see when I look at you, look at me, looking at you.
How can I put into words the words I'm thinking and the prayers I'm offering.
How can I put into words the desperation I feel when I want to leave the path I'm on.
How can I put into words the deep knowing I have about my identity.
How can I put into words the joy I feel at my clarity.
How can I put into words the sorrow at my lack of execution.
How can I put into words ....what can only be lived.
How can I put life into words. And have it still be life.
How can I put into words the days I spend retreating from my life trying to get a view of things from the top.
How can I put into words the reason I need all day Saturday in my bed.
How can I put into words how much I need you.
How can I put into words how powerful I know I am.
How can I put into words how afraid I am of that power.
How can I put into words how deeply I want to live my life with no regrets or doubt.
How can I put into words the level of importance God holds in my daily decisions.
How can I put into words what it means when I trust you anyway, even though you don't really want me to.
How can I put into words what it is I'm really offering you.
How can I put into words the complexity that is me.
How can I put into words the duality of my being, don't you feel it too.
How can I put into words what I see when I look at you, look at me, looking at you.
How can I put into words the words I'm thinking and the prayers I'm offering.
How can I put into words the desperation I feel when I want to leave the path I'm on.
How can I put into words the deep knowing I have about my identity.
How can I put into words the joy I feel at my clarity.
How can I put into words the sorrow at my lack of execution.
How can I put into words ....what can only be lived.
How can I put life into words. And have it still be life.
When do we stop being humans and start being old? 102209
So um in the grocery store a coupla weekends ago and I'm standing behind an older gentleman. He turns to me and asks, "How old are you?" and of course I answer truthfully, cause he's my elder and I tell him 34. He says No way! You can't be any more than 25. I laugh because I think he's being cute and he's charming. I also thought he was with the woman in front of him and that his conversation with me was a branch off of a conversation they had been having. But it wasn't. He proceeds to flirt with me through the check out line and he's quite charismatic and engaging. I enjoyed the banter. Eventually, he gets up the nerve to ask me if I would spend some time with him. I know I didn't say this yet but we established his age as 73 years 10 months. He wants me to help him celebrate his birthday! He’s turning 74.
A million thoughts.....
1. Awwww he's so cute for an old guy.
2. What do these people think of me flirting with this old ass man?
3. Is he trying to just get some booty? Some of these old guys ain't no different than the young guys.
4. What would his children think...of course he has children older than me
5. Why doesn't he hang out with some one his own age.
6. Well he is funny and seems ok.
7. Does he think that he can just buy my time?
And on, and on and on.....
But I agree to give him my number. After all, we were having a nice conversation.
When he walks me to my car he shares with me that at his age, there aren't a lot of people his age who want to be active and that he gets bored. He went on to say that he doesn't want to spend all his days laying around watching TV and he'd like some pleasant company when he goes out to the movies. We continued chatting at my car and he reluctantly asked me for a hug. Immediately assuming that I would refuse. But I didn't. There seemed to be such a need to connect with another person that I saw no harm in giving a brief embrace to this "stranger". We parted company with the plan to call and keep in touch as we approached his birthday time.
This encounter started me thinking...along with an article on Alzheimer’s and sex among the elderly (Washington City Paper)...about the question of aging and the elderly. I know that as I've gotten older, my ability to feel emotionally has not diminished. (Of course I'm not 73..but I'll let you know when I get there) So when do we stop seeing older people as people and as "old". It seems that the youth doesn't make friends with the elder because some how they are supposed to play with people their own size (or age...lol) We frown on young women that we see strolling arm and arm with an older man. We assume, usually, only 2 things, either it’s her grandfather, or her sugar daddy and that she's using him for money. BUT, aren't they still people with personality, style, conversation and caring to give. At which age does this schism start? Is it a look that the person has that says, “Stay back! um Old" I think elderly people as well as teens live in a no man's land where touching and tenderness are at a great deficient. How do we connect with each other young and old with out the confusion? I don't know the answer to this question for everyone, but I plan to keep my date with my "new" friend and get to know "him" not just his age.
One more thing....I want to challenge you. When you are on the bus, or out and about, look into the eyes of the elderly and see if they are lonely. See if life and their loved ones have relegated them to the sidelines of life’s experiences. Take the time to connect with them. Listen to their stories and laugh at their jokes (if they are funny). And talk with them just like regular people. Compliment them when they look and smell nice. Notice them. And MOST of ALL remember that one day, you will be an elder.
A million thoughts.....
1. Awwww he's so cute for an old guy.
2. What do these people think of me flirting with this old ass man?
3. Is he trying to just get some booty? Some of these old guys ain't no different than the young guys.
4. What would his children think...of course he has children older than me
5. Why doesn't he hang out with some one his own age.
6. Well he is funny and seems ok.
7. Does he think that he can just buy my time?
And on, and on and on.....
But I agree to give him my number. After all, we were having a nice conversation.
When he walks me to my car he shares with me that at his age, there aren't a lot of people his age who want to be active and that he gets bored. He went on to say that he doesn't want to spend all his days laying around watching TV and he'd like some pleasant company when he goes out to the movies. We continued chatting at my car and he reluctantly asked me for a hug. Immediately assuming that I would refuse. But I didn't. There seemed to be such a need to connect with another person that I saw no harm in giving a brief embrace to this "stranger". We parted company with the plan to call and keep in touch as we approached his birthday time.
This encounter started me thinking...along with an article on Alzheimer’s and sex among the elderly (Washington City Paper)...about the question of aging and the elderly. I know that as I've gotten older, my ability to feel emotionally has not diminished. (Of course I'm not 73..but I'll let you know when I get there) So when do we stop seeing older people as people and as "old". It seems that the youth doesn't make friends with the elder because some how they are supposed to play with people their own size (or age...lol) We frown on young women that we see strolling arm and arm with an older man. We assume, usually, only 2 things, either it’s her grandfather, or her sugar daddy and that she's using him for money. BUT, aren't they still people with personality, style, conversation and caring to give. At which age does this schism start? Is it a look that the person has that says, “Stay back! um Old" I think elderly people as well as teens live in a no man's land where touching and tenderness are at a great deficient. How do we connect with each other young and old with out the confusion? I don't know the answer to this question for everyone, but I plan to keep my date with my "new" friend and get to know "him" not just his age.
One more thing....I want to challenge you. When you are on the bus, or out and about, look into the eyes of the elderly and see if they are lonely. See if life and their loved ones have relegated them to the sidelines of life’s experiences. Take the time to connect with them. Listen to their stories and laugh at their jokes (if they are funny). And talk with them just like regular people. Compliment them when they look and smell nice. Notice them. And MOST of ALL remember that one day, you will be an elder.
An open letter 100509
i now know that healing takes unexpected routes. there are many ways to enter. i entered a sacred healing space on the heels of orgasm. yes orgasm. i noticed that there were times when orgasm came easily and times when it was laborious for me and my partner. this was curious to me as i did not see myself as having inhibitions of this caliber. so i set out to find the answer for myself. i remembered that one of you guys had posted something about daring to experiment with your own life. that there is/was a certain degree of trust in self and in god required to do this. and so i trusted us both. myself. and god. i talked with a friend about this issue of restraint and resistance when it comes to intimacy and climax and shared that i thought there was a real connection between my belief about the person i'm with and my willingness to surrender. i said that because i was not clear about what i wanted in relation to him, it was hard for me to surrender. i continued this conversation with god and i began to notice the dialog fade when it came to the idea of exploring this resistance and that it may take time to figure it all out. however, i did hear a vital piece of information. that focusing on the person was a definite hinderance to trust. when looking at all a person's flaws, ideas, beliefs, potential and possibilities is very easy to loose site of what is behind it all. god. so that was the first shift. i choose to engage from the perspective of loving god and all that god brings to me.
then there was another shift. i allowed myself to surrender.
no actually, i chose to surrender. and as i did so i cried. i listened to god speak to me. and she/he/it told me that the love he had for me was enough to last through my tears, that it was ok to cry. i began to see penetration as an act of god. god trying to get to the heart of me. the center, sacral, sacred seat of my beingness. i recognized with each stroke all the many times i was freightened by gods movements in my life and how i would be tense and resistance because i didn't trust. my legs my torso my hips would tense. i came to accept this as a part of intimacy. but now i see that in my subconcious, i was resisting. it was subtle. not enough for my partner to notice. but i did.
as i continued, i allowed all my thoughts to come up. i resisted nothing. i stopped at times to hear the messages. everything was allowed. i was open. to god. i listened to the god of my womb. i listened to my eggs, who've been with me since i was an embryo. i heard so many stories about my own experience that i did not allow before. some of these are truly sacred stories and intended to be shared with those who choose to enter that space with me. one of these conversations has taken over 30 years to get to the 3rd statement. and yet i am cognizant of the thread as it continues.
the next time you make love. connect to your self and see what stories you have to tell yourself. notice your own sweet surrender. see if you are open or if submission comes because you are conquered by your lover. there are no right or wrong answers. only YOUR answers. find out what your self has been holding for you.
brothers..this may be a little scary for you. since there's a real possibility of the water works taking a while. but try it. let go of the race for completion and pay attention to rather or not she's receiving you. if she is open. note her breathing pattern. there is a difference between breathing for arousal and breathing for tension. take your time and watch for the shift. there is more to come on this. i will share. in light love and peace.
surama amen hetep
"correct knowing is peace"
then there was another shift. i allowed myself to surrender.
no actually, i chose to surrender. and as i did so i cried. i listened to god speak to me. and she/he/it told me that the love he had for me was enough to last through my tears, that it was ok to cry. i began to see penetration as an act of god. god trying to get to the heart of me. the center, sacral, sacred seat of my beingness. i recognized with each stroke all the many times i was freightened by gods movements in my life and how i would be tense and resistance because i didn't trust. my legs my torso my hips would tense. i came to accept this as a part of intimacy. but now i see that in my subconcious, i was resisting. it was subtle. not enough for my partner to notice. but i did.
as i continued, i allowed all my thoughts to come up. i resisted nothing. i stopped at times to hear the messages. everything was allowed. i was open. to god. i listened to the god of my womb. i listened to my eggs, who've been with me since i was an embryo. i heard so many stories about my own experience that i did not allow before. some of these are truly sacred stories and intended to be shared with those who choose to enter that space with me. one of these conversations has taken over 30 years to get to the 3rd statement. and yet i am cognizant of the thread as it continues.
the next time you make love. connect to your self and see what stories you have to tell yourself. notice your own sweet surrender. see if you are open or if submission comes because you are conquered by your lover. there are no right or wrong answers. only YOUR answers. find out what your self has been holding for you.
brothers..this may be a little scary for you. since there's a real possibility of the water works taking a while. but try it. let go of the race for completion and pay attention to rather or not she's receiving you. if she is open. note her breathing pattern. there is a difference between breathing for arousal and breathing for tension. take your time and watch for the shift. there is more to come on this. i will share. in light love and peace.
surama amen hetep
"correct knowing is peace"
All Hollows Eve...The real fear! 100109
This is the season when fear and terror are promoted. We pay money to go and have someone scare us, chase us through the woods, stalk us through a fun house and all sorts of other scary fun stuff. But one of the scariest things I have experienced is the feeling of being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is often seen as a time when you trust someone new to your circle of trust, a time when you reveal something about your self that you usually keep hidden and private. It is sometimes called a "weak moment". When people cheat or do other things that cause them to be "rejected" they usually say things like, "I was feeling vulnerable and he/she was there for me".
It seems that these moments are presented as pivot point in a story. A time when things can go either way. A cross roads if you will. Sorta like where the devil met Daniel Webster. It’s a choosing place. And yes, can also be seen as scary. I have been there before. And I find myself there again. I am in a vulnerable place.
However, I am viewing vulnerability in a way that is new and different for me. First, I chose to be vulnerable. It wasn't forced on me. I could choose to avoid this scenario I am in with no penalty. I can leave the game/experience/opportunity behind and escape unscathed. But then, how would I get to know myself better? So I chose this moment of vulnerability. As the monsters of insecurity, jealousy, mis-trust, self-doubt, confusion, and blame rise up and show their fangs and claws, there are waves of emotion that wash over me. Yet they don't wash me out. I am still me. I am ok. Because, I chose this.
There is great power in choosing something. I have a sense of self-control that forced circumstantial vulnerability does not provide. I know that this will work out because I've already gone to the end and looked at the best case scenario (or worse depend on your perspective) and I come out a winner on all fronts. Now don't get me wrong, choice does not eliminate risk or the drama of the experience. Just like a roller coaster or haunted house. Even though deep down inside you know that you are safe and that you paid for this ride, you can still be startled and shaken up by the sudden changes in direction and speed.
In addition to choice, I have exchanged the leading man (or star of the movie) for God. What I mean is that, I am seeing that I am on this journey with God. In every scene, there are really only two characters. Me. And GOD. Now, I know that sounds typical. But think about it like this. You remember w ventriloquists and their dummies? It’s sorta like that too. I get to talk to myself through other people; I get to see my own thoughts reflected to me. We never see ventriloquists in a legitimate fight (I mean a real fight) with his dummy. After all, it’s just a puppet used to play out a script that is only spoken by one person. All the thoughts in the conversation are his own. So every experience I have is a reflection of my own inner thoughts and dialog. And is therefore accepted as a valid part of me.
I'm sure you are wondering how this plays out with other people. Sometimes it calls for a level of openness and acceptance that others would call foolish or what ever. Maybe that’s true. But it also allows me to trust and love others in a way that I couldn't before. It allows me to know that I chose this ride and that I'm safe no matter the sudden changes.
After all, God loves me already. More than words can say. So I'm throwing my hands up on this roller coaster ride of life and trusting God. I still feel.... I feel my heart rate speed up, I feel my stomach drop, and sometimes I get nauseous...but I don't feel threatened. I know that I am still on track. Just like a roller coaster. I know I will get to my destination, and when I do...I will be smiling and laughing and remembering the best parts of the ride. Anxious to ride again. Hopefully, you will be in the seat next to me the next time too.
Those of you reading this are my friends; we're riding this ride together. Some people ride and cover their eyes, some hold on to the straps, some crouch in the seat, some scream, and some smile, and laugh and throw up their hands. All of these are acceptable responses to the challenges of life..Oops I mean the thrill of a roller coaster. But in the end, we all reach the station again! Back where we started..safe…with our creator.
It seems that these moments are presented as pivot point in a story. A time when things can go either way. A cross roads if you will. Sorta like where the devil met Daniel Webster. It’s a choosing place. And yes, can also be seen as scary. I have been there before. And I find myself there again. I am in a vulnerable place.
However, I am viewing vulnerability in a way that is new and different for me. First, I chose to be vulnerable. It wasn't forced on me. I could choose to avoid this scenario I am in with no penalty. I can leave the game/experience/opportunity behind and escape unscathed. But then, how would I get to know myself better? So I chose this moment of vulnerability. As the monsters of insecurity, jealousy, mis-trust, self-doubt, confusion, and blame rise up and show their fangs and claws, there are waves of emotion that wash over me. Yet they don't wash me out. I am still me. I am ok. Because, I chose this.
There is great power in choosing something. I have a sense of self-control that forced circumstantial vulnerability does not provide. I know that this will work out because I've already gone to the end and looked at the best case scenario (or worse depend on your perspective) and I come out a winner on all fronts. Now don't get me wrong, choice does not eliminate risk or the drama of the experience. Just like a roller coaster or haunted house. Even though deep down inside you know that you are safe and that you paid for this ride, you can still be startled and shaken up by the sudden changes in direction and speed.
In addition to choice, I have exchanged the leading man (or star of the movie) for God. What I mean is that, I am seeing that I am on this journey with God. In every scene, there are really only two characters. Me. And GOD. Now, I know that sounds typical. But think about it like this. You remember w ventriloquists and their dummies? It’s sorta like that too. I get to talk to myself through other people; I get to see my own thoughts reflected to me. We never see ventriloquists in a legitimate fight (I mean a real fight) with his dummy. After all, it’s just a puppet used to play out a script that is only spoken by one person. All the thoughts in the conversation are his own. So every experience I have is a reflection of my own inner thoughts and dialog. And is therefore accepted as a valid part of me.
I'm sure you are wondering how this plays out with other people. Sometimes it calls for a level of openness and acceptance that others would call foolish or what ever. Maybe that’s true. But it also allows me to trust and love others in a way that I couldn't before. It allows me to know that I chose this ride and that I'm safe no matter the sudden changes.
After all, God loves me already. More than words can say. So I'm throwing my hands up on this roller coaster ride of life and trusting God. I still feel.... I feel my heart rate speed up, I feel my stomach drop, and sometimes I get nauseous...but I don't feel threatened. I know that I am still on track. Just like a roller coaster. I know I will get to my destination, and when I do...I will be smiling and laughing and remembering the best parts of the ride. Anxious to ride again. Hopefully, you will be in the seat next to me the next time too.
Those of you reading this are my friends; we're riding this ride together. Some people ride and cover their eyes, some hold on to the straps, some crouch in the seat, some scream, and some smile, and laugh and throw up their hands. All of these are acceptable responses to the challenges of life..Oops I mean the thrill of a roller coaster. But in the end, we all reach the station again! Back where we started..safe…with our creator.
Abundance Rant 092809
Today I am acknowledging that in this moment I am not in alignment with my fortune. I am now in light if this understanding making a choice to get into alignment with my fortune. I am choosing right now to open up to the ever flowing ever present river of prosperity. I am joyful because I know that I am in control of this shift. I am excited because I have seen the universe do this so many times before it was so pleasant that I wanted to experience this wonderful thing again. I love how the universe is able to create something where I thought there was nothing. I at ease knowing that I can easily move from a place of perceived lack to a place of accepting abundance. When I am in the wonderful abundance of the universe, I am peaceful in knowing that I can provide. I like that feeling. Providing. Like God always does for me. When I am in the vortex of abundance, I share easily and God likes that I like this. I love giving to others and participating in Gods abundant nature. I like the way others respond when I share and I like the way I feel. I feel more like god cause I am abundant without thought or concern. I know that all things I ask for are instantly provided. I know that I have all that I need. I have more than I need. I have so much that I can give it to others freely and easily. I am enjoying this ride toward my external manifestation. This contrast is so good because it makes the other side so pleasant. and wonderful. I see how god is showing and sharing this with me. People surround me and want to share with me. They are a manifestation of my and God's generous nature. My hands are open to receive. I welcome the change and the shift to the other side of the spectrum of abundance. I am feeling better as I think about how quickly this can happen. I know that there is/are someone/s who is a conduit for this change in me and I trust them. I trusts God to provide me with abundant resources.
Reveal your self. 092209
I am so excited about where I am in life and in love right now. Its been an interesting journey. And through it all I have met one super stand out person who has changed my life. ME! I have met and am meeting myself. I am seeing me. In all of the people who are in my life right now there is nothing but me. I was thinking about and experiencing this the other day, how I have such wonderful people in my life. My girl friends are there for me, they look out for me. One of my really good friends went to a food bank to get some food, and she got me some. I didn't have to ask, she just thought of me the way she thinks of her self. My best friend was able to get some resources and shared with me her abundance by covering the cost of a wonderful dinner in a beautiful resturant. My other good friend got retro pay and said to me, "I wanna take you some where". I mean, I have people who not only love me but don't mind showing it.
So in all this love lavished on me, I wanted to check myself to say why? Why do they love me? Do I give them what they give me? Do they know how I get overwhelmed and don't know what to say when they tell me I'm beautiful. Cause I'm looking at them like, WoW! I hope and pray that they know whats in my heart and that my giving nurtures their spirit. I reveal myself to them without fear or question. I know that they love me. I trust that they love me. Even if they forget to call me back. Or don't return my earrings or shoes. Or if there is a time when I have to treat cause they "just ain't got it". After all these are my girls. They have my back. I don't hold them to the expectation that we have to see each other everyday or talk everyday to show love. I mean, I have close friends who live all the way in Texas and they know as much about my life as those who live in the city with me. I have friends that I haven't seen in close to 10 years and the love is no less when we see each other and when we talk. We have no fear. My girls have shown me that I do share, I do give, I do compliment, I do encourage I do support them. Cause they are my reflection.
Now since the title of this peace is Reveal your self...I had to wonder what my relationship with my brothers was telling me about me. Do I have this same trust for the masculine principle? Do I love the sharp and direct energy? Have I made room for the yang element? Do I want the Yang element? Do I fear the Yang element? So I began to think about the men in my life and how I respond to their love and care for me. I have beautiful brothers in my life who heal me when I'm sick. Who will pray for me and with me, and even fuss with me until I get better. I have brothers who will just sit on the couch with me and watch tv and nod off cause we're both tired. I have brothers that I can walk up to and say, "Gimmie $20." and they don't question me why. (not like the song...lol) They just do it. I have brothers who will just hug me and hold me and touch me cause I want that. I'm sure some of you/us are thinking...hmp, girl you havin sex with that many guys? And I say NO! But I am making love to and with them.
I have allowed myself to see them as beautiful too. I can see each of them and in that moment he IS the love of my life. When I'm dancing with them, I am dancing with GOD and GOD is a damn good dancer! My heart opens to them and I can see how wonderful they are. I choose over and over to trust them. They are trust worthy! After all, they are revelations of me. They also represent some part of myself just like my sisters do.
Recently, I met someone who I have chosen to enjoy deeply. This scared me since it required that I open to myself in a way that I had not chosen in nearly 10 years. My first response was, "If I can't be in total control, with a virtual time stamped guarantee, then I don't want to play!" OK...What?...Suit yourself. I controlled my way right into a sad and unhappy moment. In my effort to control, and not love, I caused myself unhappiness. I stopped the flow. I was definitely NOT going with THAT flow! What the hell you mean you're not sure! Don't you see all this!...lol. I threw my tantrum and ran home to hide. Never mind that he communicated clearly. (not just the one statement mind you). Never mind that we had fun. Never mind he was/is attentive and loving and compassionate and intelligent and an excellent lover. Never mind that I was getting all the manifestations of what I wanted. NEVER MIND ALL OF THAT! I wanted a guarantee. Hmmmmm? Why?....so I spent some time with God to sort it all out.
This particular brother was showing me that I was afraid of the masculine principle of God. That fast moving, unpredictable, yang element in the universe. I was holding back cause I didn't acknowledge that God already loves me more than words could say and how can I lose by loving God back. After all, this brother is god. Just like me. Now, this ain't no advocacy for being a crazy stalker chic and forcing your self on someone. But it is an advocacy for seeing yourself in a resistant lover or friend. For admitting that all, and I do mean ALL, of your experiences are your own doing. So I admitted that some part of me was resistant to revealing myself. I did not accept the yin that this yang was bringing out. I was afraid that it made me weak to be so receptive and yielding. I had crazy thoughts like, "What if he plays you?" ...hahahahhh. What a question? Like he's an automaton robot and I'm the only one with this special wiring that includes feelings and care for another.
After 3 days, I contacted him and found him to be as warm and kind and fun and affectionate (is that what love is? or the words) as ever. I expressed my desire to be in his company and to experience him and he replied, playfully but truthfully, "you were in self imposed exile, I'm good! When you wanna hang out" I laughed at my willingness to throw away a wonderful "PERSON" because I could not control him. I mean seriously, I would never hold my female companions to such rediculous expectations. It would never even enter my mind. It would be obsurd to say to my female friends, "tell me we're gonna eventually be best friends for ever, or I don't wanna be friends with you." I see now that my fear of the yang element of God, my trust opportunity with myself, was the issue. My interactions with him and with you helped to reveal myself to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. With out you my life has no meaning. You are my contrast. You allow me to know who I am. The indivisible duality. You and Me.
I have allowed myself to receive the wonderful joy that comes from sharing with each of you. Male and Female. I have revealed myself. You have revealed yourself in me. What do you see when you see me? How do you feel when we are together? That is who you are. Rather you enjoy me or chose to outjoy me does not matter. I am your revelation. And you are mine. What a wonderful world we've created. Enjoy!
Leave me a note: Tell me what you see, think, feel when we are together! Reveal your SELF!...careful now! I am your mirror.. :-)
So in all this love lavished on me, I wanted to check myself to say why? Why do they love me? Do I give them what they give me? Do they know how I get overwhelmed and don't know what to say when they tell me I'm beautiful. Cause I'm looking at them like, WoW! I hope and pray that they know whats in my heart and that my giving nurtures their spirit. I reveal myself to them without fear or question. I know that they love me. I trust that they love me. Even if they forget to call me back. Or don't return my earrings or shoes. Or if there is a time when I have to treat cause they "just ain't got it". After all these are my girls. They have my back. I don't hold them to the expectation that we have to see each other everyday or talk everyday to show love. I mean, I have close friends who live all the way in Texas and they know as much about my life as those who live in the city with me. I have friends that I haven't seen in close to 10 years and the love is no less when we see each other and when we talk. We have no fear. My girls have shown me that I do share, I do give, I do compliment, I do encourage I do support them. Cause they are my reflection.
Now since the title of this peace is Reveal your self...I had to wonder what my relationship with my brothers was telling me about me. Do I have this same trust for the masculine principle? Do I love the sharp and direct energy? Have I made room for the yang element? Do I want the Yang element? Do I fear the Yang element? So I began to think about the men in my life and how I respond to their love and care for me. I have beautiful brothers in my life who heal me when I'm sick. Who will pray for me and with me, and even fuss with me until I get better. I have brothers who will just sit on the couch with me and watch tv and nod off cause we're both tired. I have brothers that I can walk up to and say, "Gimmie $20." and they don't question me why. (not like the song...lol) They just do it. I have brothers who will just hug me and hold me and touch me cause I want that. I'm sure some of you/us are thinking...hmp, girl you havin sex with that many guys? And I say NO! But I am making love to and with them.
I have allowed myself to see them as beautiful too. I can see each of them and in that moment he IS the love of my life. When I'm dancing with them, I am dancing with GOD and GOD is a damn good dancer! My heart opens to them and I can see how wonderful they are. I choose over and over to trust them. They are trust worthy! After all, they are revelations of me. They also represent some part of myself just like my sisters do.
Recently, I met someone who I have chosen to enjoy deeply. This scared me since it required that I open to myself in a way that I had not chosen in nearly 10 years. My first response was, "If I can't be in total control, with a virtual time stamped guarantee, then I don't want to play!" OK...What?...Suit yourself. I controlled my way right into a sad and unhappy moment. In my effort to control, and not love, I caused myself unhappiness. I stopped the flow. I was definitely NOT going with THAT flow! What the hell you mean you're not sure! Don't you see all this!...lol. I threw my tantrum and ran home to hide. Never mind that he communicated clearly. (not just the one statement mind you). Never mind that we had fun. Never mind he was/is attentive and loving and compassionate and intelligent and an excellent lover. Never mind that I was getting all the manifestations of what I wanted. NEVER MIND ALL OF THAT! I wanted a guarantee. Hmmmmm? Why?....so I spent some time with God to sort it all out.
This particular brother was showing me that I was afraid of the masculine principle of God. That fast moving, unpredictable, yang element in the universe. I was holding back cause I didn't acknowledge that God already loves me more than words could say and how can I lose by loving God back. After all, this brother is god. Just like me. Now, this ain't no advocacy for being a crazy stalker chic and forcing your self on someone. But it is an advocacy for seeing yourself in a resistant lover or friend. For admitting that all, and I do mean ALL, of your experiences are your own doing. So I admitted that some part of me was resistant to revealing myself. I did not accept the yin that this yang was bringing out. I was afraid that it made me weak to be so receptive and yielding. I had crazy thoughts like, "What if he plays you?" ...hahahahhh. What a question? Like he's an automaton robot and I'm the only one with this special wiring that includes feelings and care for another.
After 3 days, I contacted him and found him to be as warm and kind and fun and affectionate (is that what love is? or the words) as ever. I expressed my desire to be in his company and to experience him and he replied, playfully but truthfully, "you were in self imposed exile, I'm good! When you wanna hang out" I laughed at my willingness to throw away a wonderful "PERSON" because I could not control him. I mean seriously, I would never hold my female companions to such rediculous expectations. It would never even enter my mind. It would be obsurd to say to my female friends, "tell me we're gonna eventually be best friends for ever, or I don't wanna be friends with you." I see now that my fear of the yang element of God, my trust opportunity with myself, was the issue. My interactions with him and with you helped to reveal myself to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. With out you my life has no meaning. You are my contrast. You allow me to know who I am. The indivisible duality. You and Me.
I have allowed myself to receive the wonderful joy that comes from sharing with each of you. Male and Female. I have revealed myself. You have revealed yourself in me. What do you see when you see me? How do you feel when we are together? That is who you are. Rather you enjoy me or chose to outjoy me does not matter. I am your revelation. And you are mine. What a wonderful world we've created. Enjoy!
Leave me a note: Tell me what you see, think, feel when we are together! Reveal your SELF!...careful now! I am your mirror.. :-)
Body Car 081209
Do you think the lack of body awareness is the root of our deficiencies as humans on this planet? I mean if you think about it... a failure to understand the human vehicle is an extraordinary limitation. Consider this, temperment is effected by health. Like they say, if a child is crying all the time then something is wrong, health wise. Not everybody does this but a lot of my friends know that certain illnesses are the result of certain eating habits. I would add that those poor habit might be the result of something being out of balance. We also know that certain foods are good for males and some are good for females. In other words you can effect the behavior of your self and partner by changing the foods on the menu to reflect the direction you want to go in.
Ok, lets make this more practical. We all agree that you don't give excess amounts of candy and sweets to children. Why? cause it promotes and encourages certain types of behaviors. Why haven't we pursued this like of thought to include adults? If you're restless and lethargic at work...perhaps there is something you can add or take out of your diet to correct this. Maybe Qi Gong will help get he energy moving. When an athelet trains he eats certain food combinations that promote stamina and good cellular function. What do I need to eat to stay excited about this job? What should you feed you partner or what exercises should you do to promote good healthy interactions? I mean what food do we eat and what postures do we hold to encourage brain development. I'm thinking that diet and body awarness is the key to genius. If we understood these bodies better, would that make it easier to accomplish all the other tasks we face? Most of us are riding around in these bodies with no clue as to how they work. So we end up at the doctors like our cars end up at the mechanic. But we pay closer attention to the mechanic than we do to what our bodies tell us about our lifestyle and rather its helping or hurting us.
what type of fuel do we put in the car? everyone know that answer
what type of food do we put in our bodies?.....
Ok, lets make this more practical. We all agree that you don't give excess amounts of candy and sweets to children. Why? cause it promotes and encourages certain types of behaviors. Why haven't we pursued this like of thought to include adults? If you're restless and lethargic at work...perhaps there is something you can add or take out of your diet to correct this. Maybe Qi Gong will help get he energy moving. When an athelet trains he eats certain food combinations that promote stamina and good cellular function. What do I need to eat to stay excited about this job? What should you feed you partner or what exercises should you do to promote good healthy interactions? I mean what food do we eat and what postures do we hold to encourage brain development. I'm thinking that diet and body awarness is the key to genius. If we understood these bodies better, would that make it easier to accomplish all the other tasks we face? Most of us are riding around in these bodies with no clue as to how they work. So we end up at the doctors like our cars end up at the mechanic. But we pay closer attention to the mechanic than we do to what our bodies tell us about our lifestyle and rather its helping or hurting us.
what type of fuel do we put in the car? everyone know that answer
what type of food do we put in our bodies?.....
No explanation. 081109
Living an authentic life. What does that mean? Everyday I rise and think of how I can grow and be better and yet sometimes I don't know if some of the things I want to do symbolize growth or deterioration. Despite my best efforts to rise above it I am still confronted with the realities of living in a society that is riddled with lines drawn in the sand and limitations. I am in constant contact with the residue of Eurocentric ideology. The male/yang dominated ideas of womanhood and goodness. These ideas follow me when I pass the kitchen and have no desire to cook, they follow me when I yearn in the night for a lovers touch. I question the sanctity of my body and my choices to share or not share. The arbitrary definitions of words such as mother, wife, lover, friend, partner, sister..... I wish to define these things for myself. Yet I vacilate because I don't want to address the question marks in the eyes of those who have known me till today. I think most of us, at least I do, want to live a life free of shame and guilt. I want to know that the love and affection I feel with and for others is not dependent on my adherence to the status quo. What if I choose to love with reckless abandon. Does that make me less worthy of a life long partnership with someone who can accept me fully. How do I live life for all that its worth, experiencing all that my heart has the capacity to hold, and not suffer the consequences of getting out of line with the communal expectation. Were'nt all trail blazers somewhat ostersized? I mean Einstein, GW Carver, and others were all considered different. People didn't always get it when they shared their process and the way they saw the world.
We honor and celebrate these trailblazers and yet somehow we seek and find comfort in conformity. I do to...to a degree. But now that conformity is starting to chafe. It keeps me up at night, wondering. Wondering if I'm living the safe way or the way I want to live. Why do I make the choices I make? Sometimes I fear the disapproval of those that I say I love,....and then I wonder,...If I love them and apparently I expect that they love me...then where does this fear come from.
I see that I have not fully accepted myself as much as I have accepted other peoples version of me. I was raised to be pious even if its only for show and for the benefit of others. I was taught that to live authneticly was to risk the lose of all that I held dear. At the base of many of my conflicts is how to interact in relationships. How much love is love before it becomes foolishness and un-neccisary risk?
Toward the end of my marriage I had been pushed out of my comfort zone so much that I felt that there were no limits to what I would do for my husband. I expressed to him that it was not necessary for us to separate and divorce in order for him to pursue all that he wanted out of life. I was to afraid to say tho, that I didn't care if he wanted other women. I wasn't sure if this person that I loved would understand what I ment. I didn't think he would get it. I used to tell him that marriage was a partnership with someone who agreed to witness your life unfolding and hold the mirror so you could see it yourself. I wanted to say to him that you can do what ever you like and I will still love you. But I was too unsure of this side of myself. I had been told that what I did to honor our partnership was crazy. That it was too much. That...."girl he's not worth it"...And I think he believed it too. After all we were both pressured and shaped by this societies ideas. So....it came to an end and a new beginning.
The funny thing is we still had to work out our differences. We have children. And have come to a point where we realize that we love each other. Not the cloying, confining, demanding, angry, volitile, emotionally holding hostage, kind of love, but the kind of love that allows us to be who we are without condemnation. And I know this was only a step in my development. Now I say....How far do I go with this love thing. What exactly does it look like for me.
Which again raises a question about sexuality. Now, I don't think I will fully master my own energy until I clarify for myself, how I will deal with this simple fact of my existence. The ownership issue is really a challenge for me. I don't want to love one man cause it is demanded of me. Or even because I want everyone else to believe that I am "good"... a good person, good wife, good lover etc. I want to love one man....or 2...or 3... or however many I want to because I want to. Just cause I choose. But how many brothers can hold this bird in an open palm. Allowing me to fly away and return because home is where all of me is allowed and nurtured. Are there brothas out there who can live the life they have asked their women to live for many many generations.
It is no big deal for a woman to accept her man back, or to actually remain and never leave through long term affairs and even second families. Its common in our community for a woman to know that her man is seeing someone else on the the side and even to know who the woman is and it not cause this otherwise "good man" to lose the things and people that he holds dear. How many of you could live the same life? I'm not defending unhealthy agreements in which people live in misery. I am seeking to find my own definition of love and life, to define for myself what I want and to commit to it in a way that allows the universe to take me seriously.
I consider myself to be a desirable woman both internally and externally and I have options for who and how I date a man. Some of them seem to see in me a quest for freedom and demand upfront that they not be required to share. I was puzzled by these demands until a friend of mine shared that they are reflecting to me my own fence straddling. That once I make a commitment I will no longer attract these types of men. So I reflected on the other options. There are those who are a bit more open to individual pursuit but still demand a level of allegiance fostered by fear and intimmidation and then there are those who are totally open to this way of being but are unable to share it with their own life long partner and so set the stage for drama when it is "found out". And yet there are others who get the total package and I am afraid of what that journey might require. Or I might say that there is excitement. Could this brotha really understand my need for freedom? Could he love me and care for me while keeping his hand open. I certainly hope so.
I am finding that internal compatibility out weights all else. To know that I can look into his face and say I need healing, to say I am unsure, to say help me, to say I will help you, to say we can learn together, to say we can learn apart, to say ...... is more and more my dream come true.
I have thought of having the ideal life. All settled in to a one man show. I have thought of having a typical family where "my man" is in fact ...Mine. But I've been there and done that. And I felt like the prisoner and the warden all at the same time. So I am learning what it means to be free and to allow that to others. Even those who will judge me harshly. To know that its ok for them to withdraw or come closer and to have the confidence to offer my explanations with peace, calm, sincerity and love or to offer no explanation at all.
We honor and celebrate these trailblazers and yet somehow we seek and find comfort in conformity. I do to...to a degree. But now that conformity is starting to chafe. It keeps me up at night, wondering. Wondering if I'm living the safe way or the way I want to live. Why do I make the choices I make? Sometimes I fear the disapproval of those that I say I love,....and then I wonder,...If I love them and apparently I expect that they love me...then where does this fear come from.
I see that I have not fully accepted myself as much as I have accepted other peoples version of me. I was raised to be pious even if its only for show and for the benefit of others. I was taught that to live authneticly was to risk the lose of all that I held dear. At the base of many of my conflicts is how to interact in relationships. How much love is love before it becomes foolishness and un-neccisary risk?
Toward the end of my marriage I had been pushed out of my comfort zone so much that I felt that there were no limits to what I would do for my husband. I expressed to him that it was not necessary for us to separate and divorce in order for him to pursue all that he wanted out of life. I was to afraid to say tho, that I didn't care if he wanted other women. I wasn't sure if this person that I loved would understand what I ment. I didn't think he would get it. I used to tell him that marriage was a partnership with someone who agreed to witness your life unfolding and hold the mirror so you could see it yourself. I wanted to say to him that you can do what ever you like and I will still love you. But I was too unsure of this side of myself. I had been told that what I did to honor our partnership was crazy. That it was too much. That...."girl he's not worth it"...And I think he believed it too. After all we were both pressured and shaped by this societies ideas. So....it came to an end and a new beginning.
The funny thing is we still had to work out our differences. We have children. And have come to a point where we realize that we love each other. Not the cloying, confining, demanding, angry, volitile, emotionally holding hostage, kind of love, but the kind of love that allows us to be who we are without condemnation. And I know this was only a step in my development. Now I say....How far do I go with this love thing. What exactly does it look like for me.
Which again raises a question about sexuality. Now, I don't think I will fully master my own energy until I clarify for myself, how I will deal with this simple fact of my existence. The ownership issue is really a challenge for me. I don't want to love one man cause it is demanded of me. Or even because I want everyone else to believe that I am "good"... a good person, good wife, good lover etc. I want to love one man....or 2...or 3... or however many I want to because I want to. Just cause I choose. But how many brothers can hold this bird in an open palm. Allowing me to fly away and return because home is where all of me is allowed and nurtured. Are there brothas out there who can live the life they have asked their women to live for many many generations.
It is no big deal for a woman to accept her man back, or to actually remain and never leave through long term affairs and even second families. Its common in our community for a woman to know that her man is seeing someone else on the the side and even to know who the woman is and it not cause this otherwise "good man" to lose the things and people that he holds dear. How many of you could live the same life? I'm not defending unhealthy agreements in which people live in misery. I am seeking to find my own definition of love and life, to define for myself what I want and to commit to it in a way that allows the universe to take me seriously.
I consider myself to be a desirable woman both internally and externally and I have options for who and how I date a man. Some of them seem to see in me a quest for freedom and demand upfront that they not be required to share. I was puzzled by these demands until a friend of mine shared that they are reflecting to me my own fence straddling. That once I make a commitment I will no longer attract these types of men. So I reflected on the other options. There are those who are a bit more open to individual pursuit but still demand a level of allegiance fostered by fear and intimmidation and then there are those who are totally open to this way of being but are unable to share it with their own life long partner and so set the stage for drama when it is "found out". And yet there are others who get the total package and I am afraid of what that journey might require. Or I might say that there is excitement. Could this brotha really understand my need for freedom? Could he love me and care for me while keeping his hand open. I certainly hope so.
I am finding that internal compatibility out weights all else. To know that I can look into his face and say I need healing, to say I am unsure, to say help me, to say I will help you, to say we can learn together, to say we can learn apart, to say ...... is more and more my dream come true.
I have thought of having the ideal life. All settled in to a one man show. I have thought of having a typical family where "my man" is in fact ...Mine. But I've been there and done that. And I felt like the prisoner and the warden all at the same time. So I am learning what it means to be free and to allow that to others. Even those who will judge me harshly. To know that its ok for them to withdraw or come closer and to have the confidence to offer my explanations with peace, calm, sincerity and love or to offer no explanation at all.
Just Reality 072909
How can I write to you of these sensations that I carry in my chest. These thoughts that I have in my mind. This program I have in my spirit. Today I am living a life that contains both the unspoken promise of my spiritual potential and the essence of human falibility. I have always know myself as these two people. Not just because I am a gemini but because there has always be this dialoge with the higher me. There is a part of me that knows my greatest contribution to this world will come through my devotion to a spiritual path. Despite my desire to ignore this reality I know it just like I know to avert my eyes when in the presence of spiritual leaders. I know they will know me when the see me and I want to enjoy this human-ness that I am wearing like a favorite pair of flip flops. Though this human-ness is worn and unpresentable as my best self, I still like it. Wanting to be regular, but not really. Its like when rich people come down to hang out with the "common folks" because they just want to be cool. (But not give up their money..lol) All my life I have acted, lived and spoken in away that is beyond my own natural earthly experience and understanding. My Dad recently reminded me of a time when I was 4 years old and I had a sit down talk with him. I let him know how much I loved him and my mother and how we needed him to come home to help the family. He had been away in the military and things, my by measure, were not as they should be. I asked him to come home and take care of mommy. Apparently my brother and I, he was 7, had discussed this and had come up with a solution for which I was the spokes person. My father, despite his ambition, came home and did all he could to take care of the family. At 11 or 12, I remember being asked by adult church member how to pronounce words in the sunday school lesson. I always had an answer though I don't recall what gave me the confidence to share them, or what caused them to ask me out of all the other. Then there were times when my Grandmother would loan me out to other elders in the family that may have been sick or recovering. She would send me to stay with them for a week or more to be sure they had breakfast or what ever support they needed. Some how this made sense. Either way... I think my path has been interesting.
Now I am being asked to make a sincere, deep and conciencouss decision to follow God with a level of integrity that I have yet to comprehend. I am not certain of what is being asked of me. I am afraid of it. Though I know this is who I am... I like my human-ness. Some where the possibility of taking the long and windy path, and enjoying the scenic route, complete with stops at all the cool spots seemed like a better option. Even though, when I am in the presence of those more disciplined than I've chosen to be, I feel like the smart kid that keeps failing the easy class and all my friends are moving on. What will I do?
The individuals that I have chosen to respect because I admire some aspect of their manifestation, all seem to see the inner me and expect that one to prevail. They speak to me with clarity and hope of who it is they see behind my eyes. They say I am powerful, that I will make a difference, that I should remember who I am. They love and support me with a ferocity that reflects their intense belief in that side of me. Yet, the remaining parts of me are afraid. Why do I think of lonelyness when I think of this life of dedication and commitment to God? Is it because I am only allowed to see my "fellows" once I have accepted my life for what I designed it to be? Did I make agreements with my most avid supporters that they would help me not to forget my greatness? Which paradiagm will I choose to manifest in? and do I have to choose only one? There is no doubt that I've known these people before and each to varying degrees of entanglement. But one thing is for certain, they have been true reminders to me of what is possible. Sometimes I get so mad at that cause I don't want to do more, or study harder, or grow bigger, or more spiritual. I just want to cruise and have an easy life. And we all know that life will allow you to cruise with out direction for a while, but just like a car when you hit a bump, you get off track and can end up in a ditch if you don't make some choices.
So I deliberate about the best way to get back in touch with The Holy Sir. The Goddess with in. At one point in my life when one system I was in was nearing the end of its usefulness, I simply asked God to come and get me. I was so lost. And sure enough, with all the love of the universe God came to my aid and set me on the path of self discovery. I find that I may be approaching that place again. The place where there are no prescriptions for getting to God but a sincere desire and willingness to follow. Since I know that God is listening I will state it plainly.....
Dearest God, though I have surrounded you with uncertainty and even poorly nurtured flesh I still believe in your divine ability to reach into/out of any container and bring light, love and prosperity. I seek guidance and a sense of peace and connection with you that I have come to miss in my human-ness indulgence. Retrieve me in your divine wisdom and lift my illusions that I might see and know the me you and I created. Thanking you for the newness, Surama Amen Hetep.
For all of you who wonder about your destiny, the God you and the life you live, I offer that I am remembering that all of this exist for that purpose. This is the stage on which the play of my life is taking place. I am playing my part as best I can. I am intending to move into and out of my character the way that God is directing me. I am integrating the real me with this character you've come to know. I do not know all the details of what this will be or how it will look from your eyes but I am doing my best. Even when I seem erratic....in that moment that is the best I can do. Imagine me in my best light if you will and soon that will be the truth. Thank you. Even to those who remind me, and make me angry in doing so, of my destiny. Thank you. With out these sign post and opportunities this "play" would not be "fun" or interesting and you know how we all enjoy a good show.... Play yo part folks, and enjoy it.
Now I am being asked to make a sincere, deep and conciencouss decision to follow God with a level of integrity that I have yet to comprehend. I am not certain of what is being asked of me. I am afraid of it. Though I know this is who I am... I like my human-ness. Some where the possibility of taking the long and windy path, and enjoying the scenic route, complete with stops at all the cool spots seemed like a better option. Even though, when I am in the presence of those more disciplined than I've chosen to be, I feel like the smart kid that keeps failing the easy class and all my friends are moving on. What will I do?
The individuals that I have chosen to respect because I admire some aspect of their manifestation, all seem to see the inner me and expect that one to prevail. They speak to me with clarity and hope of who it is they see behind my eyes. They say I am powerful, that I will make a difference, that I should remember who I am. They love and support me with a ferocity that reflects their intense belief in that side of me. Yet, the remaining parts of me are afraid. Why do I think of lonelyness when I think of this life of dedication and commitment to God? Is it because I am only allowed to see my "fellows" once I have accepted my life for what I designed it to be? Did I make agreements with my most avid supporters that they would help me not to forget my greatness? Which paradiagm will I choose to manifest in? and do I have to choose only one? There is no doubt that I've known these people before and each to varying degrees of entanglement. But one thing is for certain, they have been true reminders to me of what is possible. Sometimes I get so mad at that cause I don't want to do more, or study harder, or grow bigger, or more spiritual. I just want to cruise and have an easy life. And we all know that life will allow you to cruise with out direction for a while, but just like a car when you hit a bump, you get off track and can end up in a ditch if you don't make some choices.
So I deliberate about the best way to get back in touch with The Holy Sir. The Goddess with in. At one point in my life when one system I was in was nearing the end of its usefulness, I simply asked God to come and get me. I was so lost. And sure enough, with all the love of the universe God came to my aid and set me on the path of self discovery. I find that I may be approaching that place again. The place where there are no prescriptions for getting to God but a sincere desire and willingness to follow. Since I know that God is listening I will state it plainly.....
Dearest God, though I have surrounded you with uncertainty and even poorly nurtured flesh I still believe in your divine ability to reach into/out of any container and bring light, love and prosperity. I seek guidance and a sense of peace and connection with you that I have come to miss in my human-ness indulgence. Retrieve me in your divine wisdom and lift my illusions that I might see and know the me you and I created. Thanking you for the newness, Surama Amen Hetep.
For all of you who wonder about your destiny, the God you and the life you live, I offer that I am remembering that all of this exist for that purpose. This is the stage on which the play of my life is taking place. I am playing my part as best I can. I am intending to move into and out of my character the way that God is directing me. I am integrating the real me with this character you've come to know. I do not know all the details of what this will be or how it will look from your eyes but I am doing my best. Even when I seem erratic....in that moment that is the best I can do. Imagine me in my best light if you will and soon that will be the truth. Thank you. Even to those who remind me, and make me angry in doing so, of my destiny. Thank you. With out these sign post and opportunities this "play" would not be "fun" or interesting and you know how we all enjoy a good show.... Play yo part folks, and enjoy it.
Super hero clothes fit tight and can be uncomfortable. 072209
Who does the super hero call when he gets tired? I know batman had alfred. But what about the rest of them. I guess the X men had Xavier to help them with the mental issues. But who helps the hulk and spider man? And what about wonder woman and the green lantern? Who's there when they need to take off those high heeled boots and skin tight shirts and out fits. Who helps SUPERMAN? I mean damn, what happens when a Pimp is down? Who helps him get his wig back together and sun glasses back on? Who looks for the pimp cup that rolled away when he tripped in his heeled boots? I have decided to leave the legion of super heros and join the ranks of civilians. I am putting away my need to save others in order to save myself. I no longer need to be a people saver, besides, the league didn't give me an Alfred and that other guy to make all the fancy gadgets for me, and they didn't make me a billionair's daughter. So I will not be wearing the pumps and cape anymore. When I run, I will wear sneakers and will only do so to stay in good health. No one thinks that Cat woman might need her feet rubbed. After all that walking and running and flipping and chasing bad and good guys, I know those leather boots are too much. Just like when moms worked all day, came home and cooked, helped with homework, put the kids in the tub, counseled a friend, read a bed time story, screwed her husband and still got up in time to make breakfast. There is no cape for this job. There is no glamour for this super hero. Quite often she is disquised by outdated clothes and hair because all her powers are invested in others and remember she doesn't have an alfred. So I will not be wearing my wonder woman cuffs and stiletto boots to fight crime anymore. I will not be using my lasso of truth or giving any high speed chase. I will be using my powers to heal myself and prepare for the next episode. Perhaps, I will trade places with Lois Lane or the girl from spider man and see how that goes for a while.
A friend of mine. 072209
I was touched by a friend of mine yesterday. A gentle, massaging, healing touch. I had a difficult time with some things that day and was a bit frustrated. I didn't realize how frustrated I was until he touched me. He touched me with tenderness and care and concern for my well being. There were no expectations just space. For me. I realized as he touched me, how alone I had been feeling. How lost and unsure about how I was gonna make the next step I was. I much tension I placed myself under. Many times when I have been touched it was for the other persons gratification and the nurturing energy or the security was missing. This time I could sense all the thoughts that were running under the surface of my happy face. All the fear and worry I had been hiding beneath my peaceful expression. In the safety that was provided I let down my guard and heard God crooning to me to relax and it would all be ok. God was showing me that if I let it there would always be people in my life to love me and hold a sacred space of renewal for me. And I cried because God was so thoughtful and showed her concern for me. I cried because someone was there to nurture me and I had the courage and wisdom to allow it. I was grateful...
A letter to my ancestors. 071409
Today I am standing at a crossroads place. So much is happening. I strive to live my understanding of the goodness of God and all that it means. From moment to moment my experience changes undulating like the movement of a snake. Changing and then changing back again. I think of the life I want, I think of the role I must play, and I know that I need your help. As you are an extention of me and I am an extention of you we work together. Each of us a part of this wave of energy beginning at source and making its way back to source, yet always moving forward. Sort through the energies surrounding me and bind them all to a pattern of peace, prosperity and light. Guide those beings who mean me no blessings to another place. Protect me in this tender place. Lift my fear and guilt. I call to those enlightened ancestors of my fathers line, and my mothers line. Go out and release my financial prosperity, bring the opportunities needed. Connect me to the people I need to know so that I might make a smooth transition into this new place. Energize me and heal all wounds, remove all doubt, I release it. Massage my energy centers and restore the balance and rotation. Align my energy field to a higher pitch. Surround me in light and love. Whisper to me the directions that my feet should take. Bless my children and my children's children that they will remember and honor the connection to the past and its connection to the future. I am resting on your love for me and my love for you. I remember you. I honor you. I need you. Together we build our future.
Love, Surama
Love, Surama
I just wanna be successful. 062509
There are days when all we want is to feel a sense of satisfaction. Some sense of accomplishment. Rather it be in our jobs, our relationships, family, hobby or education. The place we live in right now doesn't seem to allow for a lot of that thought. There's a constant pressure to do more, have more, get something better, someone wetter, learn more, what ever. The bar just keeps rising. Its sorta like a battle field. The battle waged is so hot and heavy, the we rarely have the time to say job well done.
Most days I operate out of my own sense of integrity and determination to make a contribution to society. For me, my drive toward perfection is relentless and I am coaching myself to allow a sense of satisfaction. So I tell myself, "girl you doing all right". Even thought all the bills aint yet paid up or paid in full, ain't nothing turned off and we still eatin. Sh$3 ... thats more than some can say today. So yeah, it's all right, if i'm still working on that 6 pack, If I ain't paid all the bills yet, I will, and they ain't going of business without my payment, God Don't love me less cause I really do want to do somethings that people don't approve of. I'm realizing that its ok to just connect. Its ok to find a way to get my needs met. To work it out a little at a time.
I keep coming into the office. Even though there's no one checking for me. I keep tryna open up to God and find a way to be successful in this venture. My second Mom told me to remember the lives I touch on a one on one basis. She says I have no idea how much difference I make in them. I say oh yeah? She says yeah, this place wouldn't be the same without you. I laugh cause I'm not as convinced as she is. But I keep coming back. The money of course doesn't reflect the effort it takes to make this thing work. So much so that I'm thinking of taking a second job to make ends meet for a while. This is the shit they don't put in the newspapers. Movies don't show all the brothers and sisters working in African centered schools and public schools who are on the front lines. My checks don't reflect all the pregnancy test I buy, all the rides to the clinic, or advice on getting checked out, or how to avoid getting in a predicament with a boyfriend, it doesn't reflect the conversations I have to encourage them to keep coming to school and that they can make it. My check doesn't show all the things I bring from home to use in this place. I ain't mad at the entertainers out there, all the ballers and business people, but Fuc# it! I want to be successful too . I want my children and my students to know that it pays to be a good person, to care about them. They know that society dumps on teachers and so sometimes they do too. They see parents blame teachers, they see parents curse teachers out and threaten them, they see teachers as push overs. They say things to me like, " if I was you, I wouldn't take that, I wouldn't deal with these kids." or they say, "I would have hit him/her if she said that to me" They see teachers have to explain or convince parents to be more involved or to discipline them at home in a more effective way.
I just wanna be successful.....
I want more than the nobility of this job. And by job I mean teacher, mother, counselor, security,...etc, all of the things I do. I want the money, and all the perks that come with it. I contemplate leaving here. I think of going into another career. Every year I wonder if I will move back south to be closer to my family. I ask myself if I just want to go back into the classroom in the public system and ride the wave to the shore. This year I'm asking the same questions. What do I want?....... and what am I willing to do to get it? I love teaching,... I just don't love the stress that comes with it.
Most days I operate out of my own sense of integrity and determination to make a contribution to society. For me, my drive toward perfection is relentless and I am coaching myself to allow a sense of satisfaction. So I tell myself, "girl you doing all right". Even thought all the bills aint yet paid up or paid in full, ain't nothing turned off and we still eatin. Sh$3 ... thats more than some can say today. So yeah, it's all right, if i'm still working on that 6 pack, If I ain't paid all the bills yet, I will, and they ain't going of business without my payment, God Don't love me less cause I really do want to do somethings that people don't approve of. I'm realizing that its ok to just connect. Its ok to find a way to get my needs met. To work it out a little at a time.
I keep coming into the office. Even though there's no one checking for me. I keep tryna open up to God and find a way to be successful in this venture. My second Mom told me to remember the lives I touch on a one on one basis. She says I have no idea how much difference I make in them. I say oh yeah? She says yeah, this place wouldn't be the same without you. I laugh cause I'm not as convinced as she is. But I keep coming back. The money of course doesn't reflect the effort it takes to make this thing work. So much so that I'm thinking of taking a second job to make ends meet for a while. This is the shit they don't put in the newspapers. Movies don't show all the brothers and sisters working in African centered schools and public schools who are on the front lines. My checks don't reflect all the pregnancy test I buy, all the rides to the clinic, or advice on getting checked out, or how to avoid getting in a predicament with a boyfriend, it doesn't reflect the conversations I have to encourage them to keep coming to school and that they can make it. My check doesn't show all the things I bring from home to use in this place. I ain't mad at the entertainers out there, all the ballers and business people, but Fuc# it! I want to be successful too . I want my children and my students to know that it pays to be a good person, to care about them. They know that society dumps on teachers and so sometimes they do too. They see parents blame teachers, they see parents curse teachers out and threaten them, they see teachers as push overs. They say things to me like, " if I was you, I wouldn't take that, I wouldn't deal with these kids." or they say, "I would have hit him/her if she said that to me" They see teachers have to explain or convince parents to be more involved or to discipline them at home in a more effective way.
I just wanna be successful.....
I want more than the nobility of this job. And by job I mean teacher, mother, counselor, security,...etc, all of the things I do. I want the money, and all the perks that come with it. I contemplate leaving here. I think of going into another career. Every year I wonder if I will move back south to be closer to my family. I ask myself if I just want to go back into the classroom in the public system and ride the wave to the shore. This year I'm asking the same questions. What do I want?....... and what am I willing to do to get it? I love teaching,... I just don't love the stress that comes with it.
Yall teachers ain't working hard enough! If yall was doing ya job, these children would be learnin sumthin!
All around the world same song. We must improve education. Our schools are failing. We must put in tighter measures to monitor that teachers are teaching and not just hosting fight clubs in their classrooms. We have to get more qualified teachers into the classrooms. We must be accountable. Teachers must be trained. We must extend the school day!........etc......etc.......etc.
But wait.... (needle scratches the record)
Sitting in my seat as a teacher and school administrator, I get to see a lot of different sides of this thing and I tell you the newpapers aren't doing it justice. While I search through my mind, body and spirit for the right words to express I feel sorta at a lose. Cause when we talk about schools we often over look the thousands of teachers and thousands of schools that are getting it right. We must point our camera lens and micro-phones toward those situations that show the success we want. When schools are connected to communities and communities are connected to families children do their best. When children have a sense of belonging they do their best. When we see their best, they are their best. We are not separate. Schools are suffering because the political decisions and media presentations of them expect them to. Get what I'm saying here. What we focus on we get more of.
Have you noticed that since they started showing more crime on tv we get more crime? If there were a statistician out there who could show us the trend and relationship between the beginning of the television show "cops" and "america's most wanted" and the like and the trend in crime. I would not be surprised. However, I would also like to see the stats on countries that don't show as much violence and crime on tv and what their trends look like. I mean, we focus on drugs, guns and crime so much and create task force after task force only to need another one when our neighbors (Canada) don't have nearly the same levels of crime and violence. Why? I ask ... Why? Is it because we have created so much variety and diversity in what if available to the senses that we've gotten confused with what is freedom and what is just dumb.
Since we started reporting on school failings have we found more schools failing? Yes. Yes we have. How many of you talk about the wonderful teachers. Those that go un-noticed cause they do such a good job. Some parents never even see these amazing men and women cause they run things so well that the students never get put out and therefore the parents never HAVE to come to the school. We don't go to the school PTA meetings when our child is doing well. And some don't go at all. But we must start to pay attention to the successes. This can be difficult because its an unfamiliar way to look at the world and especially education. I try to hold the line and even I get lost in the vortex. When students act out, people want something to be done. I would rather focus on the students that are doing well and ignore those that aren't. We may not even notice these habits of mind. But they are there. How often do we celebrate our children's great days at school? Do we go all out? Or do we get complacent when they say everything was good today for the 55th time in a roe?
I put forth that if we celebrated more. We could celebrate more. And I do mean everyone. Parents, teachers, administrators, children, media, government etc. You name it. Turn our eyes toward the magnificent ones. Or even those who are just average and watch them become magnificent. Where our attention lies there lies our energy. Give energy to the good. When I was little, I would always get good grades. So much so that my family really didn't look at my report card. They assumed that I did well. (Most often I did do well) But this rubbed me the wrong way. When my brother got his report card there was attention a buzz. Dad came to the house and he got a talking to. Private time. With Dad. While I got ignored. He was offered bribes. I asked for the same they said, "We know you'll get it so you don't need it" I was furious. But what could I do. When I got into junior hight I decided that I would not try any more. I didn't care. (on the surface) I had mediocre grades but I didn't fail. Still no attention. I realized that I had to do it for myself. Some where I figured out intrinsic motivation. But... I was still angry. Unrecognized. And angry. That eventually turned into some other behaviors but still, I wanted to be recognized for what I was good at.
For all you parents, aunts, uncles, god mothers and god fathers, grand parents and family friends. Celebrate the kid that you think is on auto pilot. Let them know that the good is "whats up". Support those that need it. Look for what THEY are also good at and you'll see more of it in all areas of their life. Our attention is the key. Attention is the key. Together we can shift our lens to include the wonderful ones who put band-aids on our children while we work our 9-5 jobs, those who watch out for our daughters when they are growing into young women and keep them safe, those beautiful people who hug our children daily and see them awake and vibrant for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. Most children spend more (awake) time with their teachers than they do with parents. Recognize that for the most part, we love them. Believe me it is not a job we do for money or fame. (real teachers know, that anyone who gets into teaching cause they think its an easy check is sorely surprised after year 1...lol)
Say thank you to that teacher who keeps calling you. Let them know they are appreciated. Teachers of today are the shapers of tomorrow.
But wait.... (needle scratches the record)
Sitting in my seat as a teacher and school administrator, I get to see a lot of different sides of this thing and I tell you the newpapers aren't doing it justice. While I search through my mind, body and spirit for the right words to express I feel sorta at a lose. Cause when we talk about schools we often over look the thousands of teachers and thousands of schools that are getting it right. We must point our camera lens and micro-phones toward those situations that show the success we want. When schools are connected to communities and communities are connected to families children do their best. When children have a sense of belonging they do their best. When we see their best, they are their best. We are not separate. Schools are suffering because the political decisions and media presentations of them expect them to. Get what I'm saying here. What we focus on we get more of.
Have you noticed that since they started showing more crime on tv we get more crime? If there were a statistician out there who could show us the trend and relationship between the beginning of the television show "cops" and "america's most wanted" and the like and the trend in crime. I would not be surprised. However, I would also like to see the stats on countries that don't show as much violence and crime on tv and what their trends look like. I mean, we focus on drugs, guns and crime so much and create task force after task force only to need another one when our neighbors (Canada) don't have nearly the same levels of crime and violence. Why? I ask ... Why? Is it because we have created so much variety and diversity in what if available to the senses that we've gotten confused with what is freedom and what is just dumb.
Since we started reporting on school failings have we found more schools failing? Yes. Yes we have. How many of you talk about the wonderful teachers. Those that go un-noticed cause they do such a good job. Some parents never even see these amazing men and women cause they run things so well that the students never get put out and therefore the parents never HAVE to come to the school. We don't go to the school PTA meetings when our child is doing well. And some don't go at all. But we must start to pay attention to the successes. This can be difficult because its an unfamiliar way to look at the world and especially education. I try to hold the line and even I get lost in the vortex. When students act out, people want something to be done. I would rather focus on the students that are doing well and ignore those that aren't. We may not even notice these habits of mind. But they are there. How often do we celebrate our children's great days at school? Do we go all out? Or do we get complacent when they say everything was good today for the 55th time in a roe?
I put forth that if we celebrated more. We could celebrate more. And I do mean everyone. Parents, teachers, administrators, children, media, government etc. You name it. Turn our eyes toward the magnificent ones. Or even those who are just average and watch them become magnificent. Where our attention lies there lies our energy. Give energy to the good. When I was little, I would always get good grades. So much so that my family really didn't look at my report card. They assumed that I did well. (Most often I did do well) But this rubbed me the wrong way. When my brother got his report card there was attention a buzz. Dad came to the house and he got a talking to. Private time. With Dad. While I got ignored. He was offered bribes. I asked for the same they said, "We know you'll get it so you don't need it" I was furious. But what could I do. When I got into junior hight I decided that I would not try any more. I didn't care. (on the surface) I had mediocre grades but I didn't fail. Still no attention. I realized that I had to do it for myself. Some where I figured out intrinsic motivation. But... I was still angry. Unrecognized. And angry. That eventually turned into some other behaviors but still, I wanted to be recognized for what I was good at.
For all you parents, aunts, uncles, god mothers and god fathers, grand parents and family friends. Celebrate the kid that you think is on auto pilot. Let them know that the good is "whats up". Support those that need it. Look for what THEY are also good at and you'll see more of it in all areas of their life. Our attention is the key. Attention is the key. Together we can shift our lens to include the wonderful ones who put band-aids on our children while we work our 9-5 jobs, those who watch out for our daughters when they are growing into young women and keep them safe, those beautiful people who hug our children daily and see them awake and vibrant for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. Most children spend more (awake) time with their teachers than they do with parents. Recognize that for the most part, we love them. Believe me it is not a job we do for money or fame. (real teachers know, that anyone who gets into teaching cause they think its an easy check is sorely surprised after year 1...lol)
Say thank you to that teacher who keeps calling you. Let them know they are appreciated. Teachers of today are the shapers of tomorrow.
BDSM! Lets get it cracking! The whip that is! Or is it? 052909
I was watching NCIS last night and the sub-theme was BDSM. This got me to thinking about Black people and BDSM. I don't know any black people that's into whips cracking on they ass and that type of thing (maybe the whole Sankofa think or Amistad) but I do think that we have a lot of potential to engage this style of eroticism if we felt free enough to pursue it. If you aren't aware of what BDSM is it stands for Bondage: B Discipline:D * Sadism: S *Masochism: M. And each of the four initials represents a separate complex set of rules and engagements. However, some of them often occur in pairs. Many of us, especially women (in my experience) are afraid to try something like this. Understandable since we don't want to be labeled a "Freak". There is also the question of rather taking pleasure in Dominating another person and if that is acceptable. And what about being a submissive. I've experimented with the sub role for about 1hour. I was in public with a friend and we wanted to see how people would react. Secretly I wanted to know how it felt to be totally dependent on someone, since this is not a role I take very often. It was fun!! We both had a blast. It was very brief and I came no where near my limits of tolerance even for regular life but the concept was exhilarating. If you tried it with your significant other it would be exciting to see what they actually want you to do. Try it! Give up ONE HOUR of POWER and see what your man (or woman) will come up with. I mean. Do you trust them? Do you really know their sexual fantasies? How far would you go to see yo baby get off! I mean really! I would definitely suggest talking about it first, reading and exploring it mentally before you implement this thing. Cause you don't want anyone to get hurt. I mean, like what if your girl wants to peg you? You gotta know that LUBE is essential....lol anyway. That is a subject for another time. But where do we draw the line for sexual exploration with our significant other. Do we draw lines? And are they always straight? Are they in the sand or in stone (cause sand changes). It would be great to have total sensual freedom with my partner. Knowing that our decision to be together does not mean the end of the road for my sensual development is exciting. Maybe we could expand on this topic. What do you think? It might be fun.
Sadism: gratification through the infliction of pain on another
Masochism: gratification through the receipt of pain or humiliation
Sadism: gratification through the infliction of pain on another
Masochism: gratification through the receipt of pain or humiliation
Date-fax report 052809
Some times I wish we could get a car-fax report on a potential date. Like go online and put in a persons name and get a report from prior date-ees regarding their past behavior. You know, just to determine the amount of investment you want to make in this particular date/car. I mean, men and women alike. Sometimes we just need the 4-1-1! Like who is this I'm talking to. In the past, when we lived in communities where everybody knew your whole family people couldn't get away with some of the behaviors that are common place now. You had to be honest. About what ever. Cause everyone knew anyway.
With my Date-Fax report, you could find out if his behavior is habitual. Like, is he late cause of traffic or is this bama just on CP time. Or, did he really just pay the bills and is running low on cash or is he always broke. Or even, Is he showing off his kids to look good or does he really spend time with them. Or even, can this girl really cook or did she by this stuff. Or maybe even, does this plumbing work and if it doesn't are there other more valuable assets. (men and women) You could even know if they are really good BF or Gf material and are just poor daters. You could find out if this person is really cool but just nervous at first. You could get a maintenance rating for the amount of energy needed to maintain this person. High maintenance or low maintenance. You know all the stuff that takes about 3 dates and $120.00 to figure out. Anyway, just my small fantasy.... unless this is my million dollar idea!!!! Would any of you use this service for $19.99? It would save a lot of date money!!!...lol
With my Date-Fax report, you could find out if his behavior is habitual. Like, is he late cause of traffic or is this bama just on CP time. Or, did he really just pay the bills and is running low on cash or is he always broke. Or even, Is he showing off his kids to look good or does he really spend time with them. Or even, can this girl really cook or did she by this stuff. Or maybe even, does this plumbing work and if it doesn't are there other more valuable assets. (men and women) You could even know if they are really good BF or Gf material and are just poor daters. You could find out if this person is really cool but just nervous at first. You could get a maintenance rating for the amount of energy needed to maintain this person. High maintenance or low maintenance. You know all the stuff that takes about 3 dates and $120.00 to figure out. Anyway, just my small fantasy.... unless this is my million dollar idea!!!! Would any of you use this service for $19.99? It would save a lot of date money!!!...lol
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system!
I have got to learn when to let a bama kick and roll. Stop doing this we are the world shi% that I thought was the right way to go. Naw, Naw, Now its time to just straight cut shit out! I don't mean being all angry and bitter toward everybody. Just recognizing when some folks just aint where you are. And let that be that. I will not be the "cat lady" of human beings. You know, collecting 73 homeless cats just cause they aint got no where to go. I ain't gone just be friends with folks out of some ridiculous need to help them. When "of course" obvious to everyone right now, they don't see nothing wrong. Now you could be sitting on the other side of this post looking smug and laughing at me cause I was tryin to be Ms. Goodie Two Shoes and got a shoe in my ass. But then again, I might know you already and laugh with you cause I know you know what I mean. Sometimes when that emergency broadcast sound comes on from the inside and says "this is not a test! This is an emergency! Flee the scene now! Impending disaster! There was a Ni**a sighting near you and we are not sure of the nature of the threat! Please leave to avoid mental, spiritual and bodily harm!" again I say: This is not a test!
( DAMN, DAMN, DAMN JAMES! personal moment of exasperation!)
In the end of it all, I put foot to that bama. But I did it to myself as well. I knew that the feeling I was getting was not in alignment but somehow I hit the f*(&ing override button and rode out anyway! HOW MANY times have I DONE that! Apparently enough to wake my ass up. But have you done it enough to learn to trust your self. Do you change the station when that beeping sound comes on with an emergency broadcast and just keep on watching the regularly scheduled programming on another channel? WE all do it. WE'RE here to learn how to not do it. I am coming to trust myself more and pay attention when I here that sound. Anytime A fool can get me to cussin, I knew it was coming when I seen um. Should have just given the tight smile and said good night. Should have let go of the "good" southern upbringing that said to be polite. I'm taking on some of one of my good friends "Trini-Brooklyn" style of calling an a((hole and A((HOLE! And letting the SH&8 fall where it may. (bow,bow, bow Aminata Gods favorite Daaahta!) So my friends, there is now at least one bama who knows that its really all right if he don't neva, NEVA, EEVAH call me NO MO! I'm taking my toys and going home. Happy! By the way did I say Happy? I ain't mad. Just free. Its really kind of funny. When God cracks one of them good ole now you know you know better jokes on ya! Hehehehe HeHahahaha! Cause I did. And I do. Know. I will acknowledge what I know and stop wastin time with polite lies and convienent half truths that spare someone's feelings.
PSA: This is not an endorsement for rude and tacky behavior! I repeat... This is not an endorsement for rude and/or tacky behavior! Thanks, Management.
But damn, personal honesty goes a long way. And saves gas too! Think of it as being more eco-friendly. We will stop spending time, gas, and money doing things we don't want to do with people we don't want to do it with. Anyway, I want to give a shout out to all yall that read what I write and will prolly give a more detail to the Bama a)) ish I got myself into last night. Later though. Later. Love you guys. Leave your comments.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test. If this were an actual emergency you would have been instructed where to turn for additional information. This is only a test...beeeep, beeeeep, beeeeeeeep! You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.
( DAMN, DAMN, DAMN JAMES! personal moment of exasperation!)
In the end of it all, I put foot to that bama. But I did it to myself as well. I knew that the feeling I was getting was not in alignment but somehow I hit the f*(&ing override button and rode out anyway! HOW MANY times have I DONE that! Apparently enough to wake my ass up. But have you done it enough to learn to trust your self. Do you change the station when that beeping sound comes on with an emergency broadcast and just keep on watching the regularly scheduled programming on another channel? WE all do it. WE'RE here to learn how to not do it. I am coming to trust myself more and pay attention when I here that sound. Anytime A fool can get me to cussin, I knew it was coming when I seen um. Should have just given the tight smile and said good night. Should have let go of the "good" southern upbringing that said to be polite. I'm taking on some of one of my good friends "Trini-Brooklyn" style of calling an a((hole and A((HOLE! And letting the SH&8 fall where it may. (bow,bow, bow Aminata Gods favorite Daaahta!) So my friends, there is now at least one bama who knows that its really all right if he don't neva, NEVA, EEVAH call me NO MO! I'm taking my toys and going home. Happy! By the way did I say Happy? I ain't mad. Just free. Its really kind of funny. When God cracks one of them good ole now you know you know better jokes on ya! Hehehehe HeHahahaha! Cause I did. And I do. Know. I will acknowledge what I know and stop wastin time with polite lies and convienent half truths that spare someone's feelings.
PSA: This is not an endorsement for rude and tacky behavior! I repeat... This is not an endorsement for rude and/or tacky behavior! Thanks, Management.
But damn, personal honesty goes a long way. And saves gas too! Think of it as being more eco-friendly. We will stop spending time, gas, and money doing things we don't want to do with people we don't want to do it with. Anyway, I want to give a shout out to all yall that read what I write and will prolly give a more detail to the Bama a)) ish I got myself into last night. Later though. Later. Love you guys. Leave your comments.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test. If this were an actual emergency you would have been instructed where to turn for additional information. This is only a test...beeeep, beeeeep, beeeeeeeep! You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.
How do you break up without breaking up? 0522090
I know this sounds like an article about romantic relationships. Even a bro-mance or girlfriend-girlfriend thing. But what I'm really talking about is how do you live outside of religious rules and still get along with the people you love. How do you break up with her (the system) and still be friendly. I mean, You enjoy the conversation, the energy, the relationship in general. You just don't want to be intimate anymore. I want more out of life and I am bravely moving forward to say to the world "I want to be a contribution." I want to help people live a happy life. I know that people are fickle and that they change their minds. They are allowed to just like I am. But I want to teach them some tools so that they can do those changes and always move toward what makes them happiest. As most of us know, any systematic approach to understanding God has some rules and stipulations. Thats the only way to get a group going. You've gotta have some rules. The only problem with that, every one has to agree to someone's idea of what is right. Now don't get me wrong. For society to function there must be somethings we agree on. Not to mention that the laws of the universe prevail over even those things we agree on. But, at some point, I've started to diverge in my thinking. I don't see things the way I used to and it is different to people who've known me for the last 8-9 years. I went through this before. When I moved from church to church until I finally landed in the living room of a wonderful woman Pastor Shirley Chambers who finally revealed to me that there really isn't a devil in the way that we think of it. ( I love you Pastor Chambers!!!) In her own clever way she even preached this at churches. It was beautiful. But my releasing the traditional view of Christianity and making my relationship with God more personal was a mile stone. I am now having that milestone again with non-traditional Traditional African religion. I really love the premise the foundation the education that I received but I the confinement is not what I choose for the next phase of my journey. I don't want it to seem like I don't want to be responsible but I do want to be free. And as I've learned, things have no value but what we assign to them so my freedom out weighs my desire to satisfy others. I choose to help others. I choose to be receptive to God and the most elegant way to do this. I am capable and willing and equipped. The information I need it here for me. I always have what I need. I meet the people that I need to meet. My resources are limitless. I am free. I choose to interact with God in away that all that I need it given to me. Loving God feels good.
Oh, W.T.F.! 051909
So I've decided to truly be a mindful manifestor and see what I want into being. I've been seeing this relationship. But where is it? WTF. right now I feel like ranting and just getting it out of my system. I'm not sure where my blockage was. I kept meeting beautiful, wonderful men but somehow they were in relationships. And that was apparently in perfect alignment with my frequency but I now want to choose something else. so here is what I choose.
I really enjoy someone who understands my need to talk and really connect intellectually. I enjoy doing activities typical ones and unusual ones. Like hiking or going to dissect jelly fish...lol. I once went on a date with a man and he let me drive his boat down the Potomac river. I enjoyed that greatly. I love to dance and enjoy my friends who can dance very much. Salsa, reggae, hand dance! you name it I would like to do it. I like to cook for people who enjoy eating. I enjoy knowing that who I'm with is happy. I enjoy the intensity of a metaphysical connection. I can sense that he is someone that I've worked with before in other physical existences. I know that we will recognize each other. I am in divine alignment to receive his attentions and to give him mine. I am enjoying the process of moving closer to his physical presence. I am enjoying our connection. I am receiving this connection on a deeper level and welcome its manifestation into my physical reality. I raise and reset my vibrational frequency to match that which I have created in my vibrational escrow. I am accessing it at will and it flows freely and abundantly. I employ the energies of the universe and all the resources of source to flow through my being. I release any resistance I had to companionship. I state again that I am supremely happy and abundant. I am allowing the connection, I am allowing the connection, I am allowing the connection. I am appreciating the connection. I am appreciated. Source has provided. I am enjoying this relationship. I am enjoying the way he compliments me (In both ways. He notices my best attributes and says so. His best attributes are a support for me.) I am enjoying our spiritual practice and how we work together as a team. I am over joyed at our sensual compatibility and how spiritual our union is. It is such a joy to have physical and financial support for myself and family. I appreciate the way he shows leadership in the household. My children love him and they get along so well. I am so happy that I am receiving this and all the abundance that follows me. This is good. It feels good. It is good. This was the perfect timing.
I have conciously chosen these words to focus my attention upon. I am focused on all that is good and perfect. This is my manifestation. This is my creation. This is my will. Of course there are many things that I am creating now, this is only one of them. But, this is important to me and I have chosen to energize my creation. I have always done what I love, and I have always gotten what I wanted. I always do what I love and get what I want because the whole universe, the world and everyone in it conspires to make me happy and to make my life easy and simple. All things are mine to enjoy as I see fit. I accept/create this reality in joy. In JOY! EnJOY!
I am transformed by the power of my creation.
I really enjoy someone who understands my need to talk and really connect intellectually. I enjoy doing activities typical ones and unusual ones. Like hiking or going to dissect jelly fish...lol. I once went on a date with a man and he let me drive his boat down the Potomac river. I enjoyed that greatly. I love to dance and enjoy my friends who can dance very much. Salsa, reggae, hand dance! you name it I would like to do it. I like to cook for people who enjoy eating. I enjoy knowing that who I'm with is happy. I enjoy the intensity of a metaphysical connection. I can sense that he is someone that I've worked with before in other physical existences. I know that we will recognize each other. I am in divine alignment to receive his attentions and to give him mine. I am enjoying the process of moving closer to his physical presence. I am enjoying our connection. I am receiving this connection on a deeper level and welcome its manifestation into my physical reality. I raise and reset my vibrational frequency to match that which I have created in my vibrational escrow. I am accessing it at will and it flows freely and abundantly. I employ the energies of the universe and all the resources of source to flow through my being. I release any resistance I had to companionship. I state again that I am supremely happy and abundant. I am allowing the connection, I am allowing the connection, I am allowing the connection. I am appreciating the connection. I am appreciated. Source has provided. I am enjoying this relationship. I am enjoying the way he compliments me (In both ways. He notices my best attributes and says so. His best attributes are a support for me.) I am enjoying our spiritual practice and how we work together as a team. I am over joyed at our sensual compatibility and how spiritual our union is. It is such a joy to have physical and financial support for myself and family. I appreciate the way he shows leadership in the household. My children love him and they get along so well. I am so happy that I am receiving this and all the abundance that follows me. This is good. It feels good. It is good. This was the perfect timing.
I have conciously chosen these words to focus my attention upon. I am focused on all that is good and perfect. This is my manifestation. This is my creation. This is my will. Of course there are many things that I am creating now, this is only one of them. But, this is important to me and I have chosen to energize my creation. I have always done what I love, and I have always gotten what I wanted. I always do what I love and get what I want because the whole universe, the world and everyone in it conspires to make me happy and to make my life easy and simple. All things are mine to enjoy as I see fit. I accept/create this reality in joy. In JOY! EnJOY!
I am transformed by the power of my creation.
What we gone do. 051309
We gone say this prayer,
and shake these bones.
We gone ask God about this
before we move on.
We gone talk
and then we gone write.
We gone visualize each other in the light.
We gone hold hands and savor that experience
damn,.....lost the thread when my office was entered
I guess I need to be more centered.
We gone do this dance together and laugh
We gone build this family and heal this nation
We gone reach for each other in the night
We gone work till be get it right
We gone do these rituals and
We gone wear these beads
We gone grow this food
We gone support each other and be honest
We gone be more than 1 + 1 = 2
We gone know we were ment to be
We gone compliment each other
We gone appreciate what we have and who we are
WE gone be good
and
We gone be GOD
and shake these bones.
We gone ask God about this
before we move on.
We gone talk
and then we gone write.
We gone visualize each other in the light.
We gone hold hands and savor that experience
damn,.....lost the thread when my office was entered
I guess I need to be more centered.
We gone do this dance together and laugh
We gone build this family and heal this nation
We gone reach for each other in the night
We gone work till be get it right
We gone do these rituals and
We gone wear these beads
We gone grow this food
We gone support each other and be honest
We gone be more than 1 + 1 = 2
We gone know we were ment to be
We gone compliment each other
We gone appreciate what we have and who we are
WE gone be good
and
We gone be GOD
When fear loses residence in the womb. 050409
I am writing today to give comfort to my womb. The physical one and the spiritual one. I realize in reflection up on my experiences that I had allowed the seeds of fear to be planted in my sacred vessel. In the womb of my body. I know this first because it is mine and it told me so. and secondly because when I am touched with tenderness a flood of tears run from my eyes to wash away yesterday as I focus to stay present in today. I realize that in the past it was easier to F*#k cause it did not touch the space that wants to be loved and the part of me that says stay. In the past it was easier to help others so it prevented me from expecting help for myself. F*$ing is easier do it yourself was the norm. Loving and trusting others was scary. I am now choosing to walk and live in love and tenderness and must therefore reassess my responses to tenderness. I am moving through emotions that arise when I am touched either physically or by some kindness. I named the sensation anxiety before. Now I name it excitement for whats on the other side of this moment. I had asked myself, why do I cry after great sex. My womb,... my vagina answered. "Because you were never taught how to receive and accept love." When you wanted your father to teach you how a man loves a woman, he was not able. When you wanted your lover to teach you, his father was not there to teach him. When you wanted your husband to teach you....Now you must allow the universe to teach you. Allowing the father within to love me and nurture me and support me and protect me is a wonderful, scary, exciting experience. I am wondering if this is part of the process of receiving my partner. How can I receive someone so wonderful if secretly I am afraid of it? I am willing to trust and grow in this.
I want to share this process as clearly as I can. But it is a challenge. Its deeply personal. But I know that there are lots of other people who are also having a similar deeply personal experience. So here goes......
When moved to deep orgasm with my lover I find a break in my emotional armor. I sense a quaking in my reality. A shift in my paradimgn. I know that it it possible to receive love. This runs counter to the old program that states that love is scary. So while lying there while my lover coaxes me to release, gently supports my pleasure, and lovingly wills me to relax and be at peace, I cry a river of tears. I cry for all the times that I just F*#ked. For all the times I thought some man (ultimately the masculine principle of God) had abandoned me. For all the times I told myself that they don't really care if I'm comfortable. For all the times I told myself that I was unworthy of love. I thought I was unworthy because I believed my father was supposed to make my life a dream. I had given the power of my life over to others. I cry because it feels good, and because I am alive. I cry because there are so many wonderful men in my life. I cry because even as I cry he holds me and listens to my sniffles and waits patiently. I cry because I have chosen this moment of tenderness and it says to me that I am growing in receptivity. I cry because it is filled with possibility. I am open to this wonderful journey.
I am learning the sacred ness of my femininity. I am learning to love all of me. I am allowing the power of my womanhood. I am allowing love and success. I am allowing companionship and a loving partner. I am allowing all thats good and perfect.
I want to share this process as clearly as I can. But it is a challenge. Its deeply personal. But I know that there are lots of other people who are also having a similar deeply personal experience. So here goes......
When moved to deep orgasm with my lover I find a break in my emotional armor. I sense a quaking in my reality. A shift in my paradimgn. I know that it it possible to receive love. This runs counter to the old program that states that love is scary. So while lying there while my lover coaxes me to release, gently supports my pleasure, and lovingly wills me to relax and be at peace, I cry a river of tears. I cry for all the times that I just F*#ked. For all the times I thought some man (ultimately the masculine principle of God) had abandoned me. For all the times I told myself that they don't really care if I'm comfortable. For all the times I told myself that I was unworthy of love. I thought I was unworthy because I believed my father was supposed to make my life a dream. I had given the power of my life over to others. I cry because it feels good, and because I am alive. I cry because there are so many wonderful men in my life. I cry because even as I cry he holds me and listens to my sniffles and waits patiently. I cry because I have chosen this moment of tenderness and it says to me that I am growing in receptivity. I cry because it is filled with possibility. I am open to this wonderful journey.
I am learning the sacred ness of my femininity. I am learning to love all of me. I am allowing the power of my womanhood. I am allowing love and success. I am allowing companionship and a loving partner. I am allowing all thats good and perfect.
random.,..041709
In the creative process now. My energy is everywhere. Chasing its tail. Howling at the moon.
Staying focused though my physical body is ranting about other things. My will is the fulcrum and all experience balances atop of it. I transmute this energy into something else. Into my financial freedom, into supportive mate, into life vibrant. These are the moments that future is made of. When mind benders practice the craft. Then time travelers perform their tasks. Only in these pregnant moments full of possibility are we able to truly demonstrate mastery over the self. I am aware of the physical sensation behind my eyes that says there should be tears. I hold it but not hold on to it. I can sense the fear in my shoulders but do not hold on to it. These things are like waves they break over me yet do not wash me out to sea. I am facing my self. I am powerful enough that I can see through this illusion. I know that the sensation of anxiety is the same as that for excitement. The names have been changed to reflect the judgment I place on the circumstances. But now that I think about it. All the things that I judged were handled quite easily. The truth is that I have all the money I need, I am healthy, I am physically in good shape, I have lots of friends and family who love me there really is no need to feel gloomy. Somewhere in my psyche, there is this program that says, after a lot of really good things there has to be bad and its just not true. I don't need to punish myself for getting a car, a house, and a great body. I embrace those things and my ability to get everything that I want out of life. All of it! Every single thing I want! I can have. With that said, I would offer that it is true for everyone. Its just a matter of commitment to that idea. When life says, "are you sure?" do you say no or do you say of course? Cause when life gets good, the universe follows your direction. Your deepest thoughts come to the surface. I believe it can just keep on getting better, and better, and better. There is always better, ask Oprah, and Donald, and the hundreds of others who have learned to ride the waves of prosperity. I am joining that billion dollar surf club. The great thing about it is I don't have to have all the answers right now either. I am declaring my will. The universe will do everything within its power to see that it gets done. In the mean time, I am practicing my new life style of wealth and generosity. I am living life like its golden or stolen or what ever image I conjour up (www.conjourwoman.blogspot.com) and I love it. So when you feel that sense of tension, decided what you want to create and focus that energy in that direction. Use your words to guide the energy, talk about the great present you have. Use a song or a dance you love to get you transforming and transmuting the energy. Find a picture you like and look at it and enjoy that thing in your mind. You are in charge of your energy, not the other way around. Don't be a victim of your body's nutritional deficit. Know that you are wonderful and power full and capable and that all you need do is choose.
Staying focused though my physical body is ranting about other things. My will is the fulcrum and all experience balances atop of it. I transmute this energy into something else. Into my financial freedom, into supportive mate, into life vibrant. These are the moments that future is made of. When mind benders practice the craft. Then time travelers perform their tasks. Only in these pregnant moments full of possibility are we able to truly demonstrate mastery over the self. I am aware of the physical sensation behind my eyes that says there should be tears. I hold it but not hold on to it. I can sense the fear in my shoulders but do not hold on to it. These things are like waves they break over me yet do not wash me out to sea. I am facing my self. I am powerful enough that I can see through this illusion. I know that the sensation of anxiety is the same as that for excitement. The names have been changed to reflect the judgment I place on the circumstances. But now that I think about it. All the things that I judged were handled quite easily. The truth is that I have all the money I need, I am healthy, I am physically in good shape, I have lots of friends and family who love me there really is no need to feel gloomy. Somewhere in my psyche, there is this program that says, after a lot of really good things there has to be bad and its just not true. I don't need to punish myself for getting a car, a house, and a great body. I embrace those things and my ability to get everything that I want out of life. All of it! Every single thing I want! I can have. With that said, I would offer that it is true for everyone. Its just a matter of commitment to that idea. When life says, "are you sure?" do you say no or do you say of course? Cause when life gets good, the universe follows your direction. Your deepest thoughts come to the surface. I believe it can just keep on getting better, and better, and better. There is always better, ask Oprah, and Donald, and the hundreds of others who have learned to ride the waves of prosperity. I am joining that billion dollar surf club. The great thing about it is I don't have to have all the answers right now either. I am declaring my will. The universe will do everything within its power to see that it gets done. In the mean time, I am practicing my new life style of wealth and generosity. I am living life like its golden or stolen or what ever image I conjour up (www.conjourwoman.blogspot.com) and I love it. So when you feel that sense of tension, decided what you want to create and focus that energy in that direction. Use your words to guide the energy, talk about the great present you have. Use a song or a dance you love to get you transforming and transmuting the energy. Find a picture you like and look at it and enjoy that thing in your mind. You are in charge of your energy, not the other way around. Don't be a victim of your body's nutritional deficit. Know that you are wonderful and power full and capable and that all you need do is choose.
bitty, bitty, sub-committee. 041009
Today I scheduled the process for my surgical procedure. I will be having a mammary reduction. It will require some dependence on my beloved friends/Family. I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared. I am hype. I am proud. A longer list of emotions, constantly in flux exist inside my head. But life is about change and all that comes with it. Letting go of what had been before is part of moving forward. Its kinda like the monkey bars at the play ground. You cant keep every rung you touch or you'll never move forward. You kinda gotta be willing to hang out there by one arm in order to move to the next step. And you never know. The moment you let go of one rung, it might be too much for one are to handle, but, then what's the fun without the risk? The surgery will be June 12. ( Dad I hope you are reading! ;-) I should be at the hospital by 6:00 am. I know that my friends are the best friends in the whole world. (those visible and invisible) So I can't wait to see all yall at the big reveal...nah, just kidding. But I do look forward to the support.
Pole Dancing, AGAIN.....Awwwww Maaaan! (040909)
So I saw this video today of a woman pole dancing and it blew my mind. Yes sisters, I watched the whole freaking video too!! It was amazing! I have heard of pole dancing, (of course of course) but had never really seen it done by a professional. I can understand why a guy would through 20 at a woman performing such amazing feats as the ones I saw on this particular video.I was inspired to look for more just to have a point of reference. What I found was beautiful... phenomenal! I saw black, white, asian, thick and thin women on the pole working it out. No matter the level of accomplishment, I could tell it still required work, and I don't mean a little bit, to get these routines and to master having a different center of gravity! There is actually physics involved in this thing! Anyway, I started thinking about how sometimes (at least for me) when we pursue a spiritual path, the super sexy part of our selves gets put to the side or neglected. Some people get so spiritual that they forget that their partners need stimulation. (not just physical but the intrigue the daring the excitement... of you... male and female) I was always taught that getting up on that pole was wrong and that somehow that made me a bad girl! And bad girls never had good men. But as I'm older, I realize that sometimes a good amount of Bad Girl is called for and necessary! Just like we don't always want our man to come with the same Ta Dah!!! package, we want it mixed up a little, they want some spice too. ( some extra tall heels, a really short skirt, costume, or what have you... cuffs, paddles whips,... oh, sorry,... did I put that in???? ) I don't think brothers are as critical of that little extra pound on the side as we think they are. After all they already like you and they've already seen it. So, that is not gonna be the first thing on their minds...:-) I remember this one time,.. when I was married... I decide I would dance for my husband. I did some belly dance that lead to some strip teasing and then some.... well you can imagine. What I found is that I was my own worst critic. I was so afraid of being judged that to do this was a major boost of confidence for me. I felt beautiful. Not trashy like some people believe. I felt sexy, not stupid. I felt powerful and wanted and feminine. After all who can shake a hip better than a sister? Who makes the phatty wiggle better than a pretty round brown? Watching those videos of women really allowing the athlete in them along with the sexy feminine part to merge I was inspired to take a class!!!
At this point you might be saying "I know yo man gone like that...unm" but ... nope. I don't yet have one. I'm taking the class cause its part of my liberation process (party). For me, this is a side of myself that can be sensual without being sexual. Taking this class will be in the presence of women. An opportunity to affirm each other. To appraise each others bodies and support each other in loving the skin we're in. To challenge ourselves physically and to extend our level of fitness. To be Beautiful while working out! Wow, How Het-Heru, Oshun is that!!! huh? Huh! Come on people. God is the full spectrum and enjoys a good pole dance as much as any one. The one doing it and the one watching. After all, What man would get tired of his wife and say....
Pole dancing..... AGAIN!!!! Awwwww Maaaan! I was hoping for some plain, dry, missionary style activities tonight.. lol.
I know I'm exaggerating, but you get my point. So say it with me ladies:
Poles are our friends. go on... don't be afraid... it won't hurt you... Sure you can touch it. :-P
At this point you might be saying "I know yo man gone like that...unm" but ... nope. I don't yet have one. I'm taking the class cause its part of my liberation process (party). For me, this is a side of myself that can be sensual without being sexual. Taking this class will be in the presence of women. An opportunity to affirm each other. To appraise each others bodies and support each other in loving the skin we're in. To challenge ourselves physically and to extend our level of fitness. To be Beautiful while working out! Wow, How Het-Heru, Oshun is that!!! huh? Huh! Come on people. God is the full spectrum and enjoys a good pole dance as much as any one. The one doing it and the one watching. After all, What man would get tired of his wife and say....
Pole dancing..... AGAIN!!!! Awwwww Maaaan! I was hoping for some plain, dry, missionary style activities tonight.. lol.
I know I'm exaggerating, but you get my point. So say it with me ladies:
Poles are our friends. go on... don't be afraid... it won't hurt you... Sure you can touch it. :-P
I'm a Teacher, a Counselor, a Principle and... a mom
So I'm sitting here listening to Anthony Hamilton crooning his love for his mother and remembering my mama, too. She was actually my grandmother.
I am contemplating the various things I have to do as a mom. Most moms understand this and those who don't, learn eventually.
I mentioned before that being a mom is like a priest hood initiation and it is. The discipline and sacrifice you learn goes to new heights and depths of personal growth and development. As a mom, I have learned to let emotions come and go. Really, cause I don't have time to fall apart. Got things that are more important. Like cooking, and cleaning, and reading stories, and taking people to school. All meltdowns are scheduled for 9:30 or later. Once the children are down.
I have learned that sometimes you have to let go. Our children are human beings, although they are young, they are humans and have their own paths to travel. They are not our little lumps of clay. We choose to protect them from everything that we can but it isn't always possible. I have had to work through some very real moments with my daughter. Some of which, I will share in the future but I don't want to do so with out at least speaking with her. I have done my best to love and guide her without dominating her into being someone she is not. (she might think differently though) We all have lessons that we have to purchase with our own blood, sweat and tears.
I have learned that being a mom requires sacrifice that sometimes is not clear for others but must be clear for you. When my mother and father divorced, my father took custody of my brother and I. Somewhere I believed that this was not the way it should be. I wondered that my mother could "let us go" like that. (as if my father was not an equal partner) But now that I'm older I think about how she struggled with schizophrenia and what she was trying to do in letting go of us. It took lots of courage to do what was best for us. I am facing a similar challenge with being away from my children. I had a plan to accomplish somethings over this year that we were a part that would require a great deal of time and energy. Not everything went according to plan but I'm doing ok. Yet, explaining the separation from them is awkward. It seems that its a little more difficult for a woman to explain why she doesn't have her children with her than for a man. (come to think of it, I've never even asked a brother why he doesn't have his children with him????) I let my children be with their grandmother so that I could go to grad school and get a house.
I have learned that Moms need time too! Since many of us are in transition in relation to partnerships, we must remember to take care of our selves. If we refuse to acknowledge our need for self care, personal time, entertainment, and enrichment then how else will others do these things for us? We teach our sons and daughters by our example. We must show balance. Some would have you make your children your world, but this is a heavy burden for children. (if you are doing this successfully then no problem) But, we are still people even after we are parents.
I have learned that help is ok. It is ok to ask for help, accept help, give help and enjoy it when you have it. No matter what you need help with, ask! If you have children, then you know about the loads, and loads, and loads of laundry, let someone help you! If you are working a full time job and you're tired, order take out and give your self a break. Join a mommy or daddy co-op and share your children with others who also need to share responsibilities.
I have learned that more than the mistakes you make, or what you do for a living, or how you dress or what your sexual orientation, or economic status, or any of those things, children will ultimately remember your intention. They will come to a better understanding. And as you grow as a mom, and a human they will grow.
As a mom, I would ask that you be gentle with yourselves, and be gentle with your children. Be forgiving of yourself and of your children. (and your co-parents). Love yourselves as you love your children.
Probably more on this soon. This article will be re-worked but I'm open to feed back.
I am contemplating the various things I have to do as a mom. Most moms understand this and those who don't, learn eventually.
I mentioned before that being a mom is like a priest hood initiation and it is. The discipline and sacrifice you learn goes to new heights and depths of personal growth and development. As a mom, I have learned to let emotions come and go. Really, cause I don't have time to fall apart. Got things that are more important. Like cooking, and cleaning, and reading stories, and taking people to school. All meltdowns are scheduled for 9:30 or later. Once the children are down.
I have learned that sometimes you have to let go. Our children are human beings, although they are young, they are humans and have their own paths to travel. They are not our little lumps of clay. We choose to protect them from everything that we can but it isn't always possible. I have had to work through some very real moments with my daughter. Some of which, I will share in the future but I don't want to do so with out at least speaking with her. I have done my best to love and guide her without dominating her into being someone she is not. (she might think differently though) We all have lessons that we have to purchase with our own blood, sweat and tears.
I have learned that being a mom requires sacrifice that sometimes is not clear for others but must be clear for you. When my mother and father divorced, my father took custody of my brother and I. Somewhere I believed that this was not the way it should be. I wondered that my mother could "let us go" like that. (as if my father was not an equal partner) But now that I'm older I think about how she struggled with schizophrenia and what she was trying to do in letting go of us. It took lots of courage to do what was best for us. I am facing a similar challenge with being away from my children. I had a plan to accomplish somethings over this year that we were a part that would require a great deal of time and energy. Not everything went according to plan but I'm doing ok. Yet, explaining the separation from them is awkward. It seems that its a little more difficult for a woman to explain why she doesn't have her children with her than for a man. (come to think of it, I've never even asked a brother why he doesn't have his children with him????) I let my children be with their grandmother so that I could go to grad school and get a house.
I have learned that Moms need time too! Since many of us are in transition in relation to partnerships, we must remember to take care of our selves. If we refuse to acknowledge our need for self care, personal time, entertainment, and enrichment then how else will others do these things for us? We teach our sons and daughters by our example. We must show balance. Some would have you make your children your world, but this is a heavy burden for children. (if you are doing this successfully then no problem) But, we are still people even after we are parents.
I have learned that help is ok. It is ok to ask for help, accept help, give help and enjoy it when you have it. No matter what you need help with, ask! If you have children, then you know about the loads, and loads, and loads of laundry, let someone help you! If you are working a full time job and you're tired, order take out and give your self a break. Join a mommy or daddy co-op and share your children with others who also need to share responsibilities.
I have learned that more than the mistakes you make, or what you do for a living, or how you dress or what your sexual orientation, or economic status, or any of those things, children will ultimately remember your intention. They will come to a better understanding. And as you grow as a mom, and a human they will grow.
As a mom, I would ask that you be gentle with yourselves, and be gentle with your children. Be forgiving of yourself and of your children. (and your co-parents). Love yourselves as you love your children.
Probably more on this soon. This article will be re-worked but I'm open to feed back.
Hi Chi.. (032709)
Despite the title of this article, I have not been studying the Chinese language. Thought, I have no opposition to that, that is not really what this is about. This article is intended to shed some light on the concept of Hi Chi. Now, I have a girlfriend who is a Hi Chi master and I expect that she will get to writing any day now and publish that damn book so the rest of us can catch up. But this brief note is my 2 cents in a thousand dollar concept. Hi Chi is in reference to the Chi factor associated with sexuality and its ability to generate change on the field of relationships. Some of us squander our Hi Chi because we don't understand the appropriate dispensation of it or because we fear it. A lack of training and honest dialog leaves many woman at a lost when it comes to wielding the power of the chi. I know some of you have seen a woman with a brother and wondered what the f*&k she did to get him. "Cause she ain't fly" you might say. But the truth is she has mastered the Hi Chi. The hot factor associated with femaleness and femininity.
In real time, most women have a certain Hi IQ. The Hi IQ is related to the level of self mastery she is able to exert over her self. Contrary to popular opinion, women do enjoy sex! We crave it! When its good we are often interested in continuing to participate for long, long period of time. However, many desire a certain amount of consistency and stability in order to truly enjoy all activities. To create this scenario requires discipline. Self discipline. Not control over ya man, but ova ya self!
Often times, we want a certain experience with brothas but we don't put in the appropriate study time to understand them or our selves. Then when we learn the way to create reality, we don't use it because we disagree with the way things work. So we keep doing what we do, and getting what we get. And we don't move forward. We lack the peace associated with self-mastery and allow ourselves to be moved off our center.
Ok, ok, ok, enough of that philosophical talk. Let me get to the point. Though I have no opposition to women and men finding sexual satisfaction, the energy released during the sexual act is the same energy used in the creation process. The very same energy that God (with a big G) used to create the universe and all that is in it. So, when people crave that interaction, I say, Yeah! Its natural and healthy to crave it. When there is not desire for it, that usually means that something is out of whack. (thus the creation of ED medications). BUT, energy flow follows rules. Like it or not.
Imagine creating a model plan. Does it require the same amount of materials and/or energy as creating a Boeing 747? Nope. It doesn't. So when creating, be mindful of how you use your energy. Lately, I have been saving my Chi force. Not engaging physically. I have had to exercise discipline. (refer to article on Fame) Though the craving is there. I am creating something bigger now than just a temporary feeling. I am using this energy to create a house, furniture, and new friends. I have found that more men are interested in me when I harness my chi. Or maybe I feel more confident. Confident enough to say no to what I do not want. Confident and disciplined enough to wait. I am at peace with going out by my self or with my girl friends or even guy friends. I am also working out. Using the same chi force to create the body that I always want and choose for myself.
You know, its just like when athletes train. Real athletes know that you should not have sex before the big game or the big fight. They know that somehow it effects your performance. This is no secret. (usually the sex takes place after the game...:-) Anyway, this same thing can be applied to other areas of life. You've heard it all before don't be afraid to try it. Be sure to spend time enriching your own life. Give yourself the things you desire from others and give to others what you desire. This will free up your energy. I realized that when every I stop having sex, there are so many more opportunities for me. (not just for sex, though that is included, but also for other things that I love). More men want to date me and other goals become reality.
Ladies, (and gents) Just stop sex for 3 months and see what you can do with that energy. Not as an imposition on your self but as a personal choice. Just see what can come of it. I have some things that are coming through. I will let you know once I have completed the process. But anyway, I am really feeling this process and myself. I know the discipline will pay off.
In real time, most women have a certain Hi IQ. The Hi IQ is related to the level of self mastery she is able to exert over her self. Contrary to popular opinion, women do enjoy sex! We crave it! When its good we are often interested in continuing to participate for long, long period of time. However, many desire a certain amount of consistency and stability in order to truly enjoy all activities. To create this scenario requires discipline. Self discipline. Not control over ya man, but ova ya self!
Often times, we want a certain experience with brothas but we don't put in the appropriate study time to understand them or our selves. Then when we learn the way to create reality, we don't use it because we disagree with the way things work. So we keep doing what we do, and getting what we get. And we don't move forward. We lack the peace associated with self-mastery and allow ourselves to be moved off our center.
Ok, ok, ok, enough of that philosophical talk. Let me get to the point. Though I have no opposition to women and men finding sexual satisfaction, the energy released during the sexual act is the same energy used in the creation process. The very same energy that God (with a big G) used to create the universe and all that is in it. So, when people crave that interaction, I say, Yeah! Its natural and healthy to crave it. When there is not desire for it, that usually means that something is out of whack. (thus the creation of ED medications). BUT, energy flow follows rules. Like it or not.
Imagine creating a model plan. Does it require the same amount of materials and/or energy as creating a Boeing 747? Nope. It doesn't. So when creating, be mindful of how you use your energy. Lately, I have been saving my Chi force. Not engaging physically. I have had to exercise discipline. (refer to article on Fame) Though the craving is there. I am creating something bigger now than just a temporary feeling. I am using this energy to create a house, furniture, and new friends. I have found that more men are interested in me when I harness my chi. Or maybe I feel more confident. Confident enough to say no to what I do not want. Confident and disciplined enough to wait. I am at peace with going out by my self or with my girl friends or even guy friends. I am also working out. Using the same chi force to create the body that I always want and choose for myself.
You know, its just like when athletes train. Real athletes know that you should not have sex before the big game or the big fight. They know that somehow it effects your performance. This is no secret. (usually the sex takes place after the game...:-) Anyway, this same thing can be applied to other areas of life. You've heard it all before don't be afraid to try it. Be sure to spend time enriching your own life. Give yourself the things you desire from others and give to others what you desire. This will free up your energy. I realized that when every I stop having sex, there are so many more opportunities for me. (not just for sex, though that is included, but also for other things that I love). More men want to date me and other goals become reality.
Ladies, (and gents) Just stop sex for 3 months and see what you can do with that energy. Not as an imposition on your self but as a personal choice. Just see what can come of it. I have some things that are coming through. I will let you know once I have completed the process. But anyway, I am really feeling this process and myself. I know the discipline will pay off.
Get physical! physical! Come on and get physical! Let me hear your body talk! (031709)
Maybe you are following my progress at the track, maybe not. But the update is this. Last week I went 4 days. On Friday I was suppose to go but I let a little drizzle stop me! Why cause the old conversations were present that give me a reason to not to. and I chose to stay home. Actually I should be working out right now and I am using writing as a distraction from what I really want. Sometimes I give my self a good reason but it still don't burn the calories so I'm gonna get of this damn compute, go home and change and get physical.
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