All Hollows Eve...The real fear! 100109

This is the season when fear and terror are promoted. We pay money to go and have someone scare us, chase us through the woods, stalk us through a fun house and all sorts of other scary fun stuff. But one of the scariest things I have experienced is the feeling of being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is often seen as a time when you trust someone new to your circle of trust, a time when you reveal something about your self that you usually keep hidden and private. It is sometimes called a "weak moment". When people cheat or do other things that cause them to be "rejected" they usually say things like, "I was feeling vulnerable and he/she was there for me".

It seems that these moments are presented as pivot point in a story. A time when things can go either way. A cross roads if you will. Sorta like where the devil met Daniel Webster. It’s a choosing place. And yes, can also be seen as scary. I have been there before. And I find myself there again. I am in a vulnerable place.

However, I am viewing vulnerability in a way that is new and different for me. First, I chose to be vulnerable. It wasn't forced on me. I could choose to avoid this scenario I am in with no penalty. I can leave the game/experience/opportunity behind and escape unscathed. But then, how would I get to know myself better? So I chose this moment of vulnerability. As the monsters of insecurity, jealousy, mis-trust, self-doubt, confusion, and blame rise up and show their fangs and claws, there are waves of emotion that wash over me. Yet they don't wash me out. I am still me. I am ok. Because, I chose this.

There is great power in choosing something. I have a sense of self-control that forced circumstantial vulnerability does not provide. I know that this will work out because I've already gone to the end and looked at the best case scenario (or worse depend on your perspective) and I come out a winner on all fronts. Now don't get me wrong, choice does not eliminate risk or the drama of the experience. Just like a roller coaster or haunted house. Even though deep down inside you know that you are safe and that you paid for this ride, you can still be startled and shaken up by the sudden changes in direction and speed.

In addition to choice, I have exchanged the leading man (or star of the movie) for God. What I mean is that, I am seeing that I am on this journey with God. In every scene, there are really only two characters. Me. And GOD. Now, I know that sounds typical. But think about it like this. You remember w ventriloquists and their dummies? It’s sorta like that too. I get to talk to myself through other people; I get to see my own thoughts reflected to me. We never see ventriloquists in a legitimate fight (I mean a real fight) with his dummy. After all, it’s just a puppet used to play out a script that is only spoken by one person. All the thoughts in the conversation are his own. So every experience I have is a reflection of my own inner thoughts and dialog. And is therefore accepted as a valid part of me.




I'm sure you are wondering how this plays out with other people. Sometimes it calls for a level of openness and acceptance that others would call foolish or what ever. Maybe that’s true. But it also allows me to trust and love others in a way that I couldn't before. It allows me to know that I chose this ride and that I'm safe no matter the sudden changes.

After all, God loves me already. More than words can say. So I'm throwing my hands up on this roller coaster ride of life and trusting God. I still feel.... I feel my heart rate speed up, I feel my stomach drop, and sometimes I get nauseous...but I don't feel threatened. I know that I am still on track. Just like a roller coaster. I know I will get to my destination, and when I do...I will be smiling and laughing and remembering the best parts of the ride. Anxious to ride again. Hopefully, you will be in the seat next to me the next time too.

Those of you reading this are my friends; we're riding this ride together. Some people ride and cover their eyes, some hold on to the straps, some crouch in the seat, some scream, and some smile, and laugh and throw up their hands. All of these are acceptable responses to the challenges of life..Oops I mean the thrill of a roller coaster. But in the end, we all reach the station again! Back where we started..safe…with our creator.