When fear loses residence in the womb. 050409

I am writing today to give comfort to my womb. The physical one and the spiritual one. I realize in reflection up on my experiences that I had allowed the seeds of fear to be planted in my sacred vessel. In the womb of my body. I know this first because it is mine and it told me so. and secondly because when I am touched with tenderness a flood of tears run from my eyes to wash away yesterday as I focus to stay present in today. I realize that in the past it was easier to F*#k cause it did not touch the space that wants to be loved and the part of me that says stay. In the past it was easier to help others so it prevented me from expecting help for myself. F*$ing is easier do it yourself was the norm. Loving and trusting others was scary. I am now choosing to walk and live in love and tenderness and must therefore reassess my responses to tenderness. I am moving through emotions that arise when I am touched either physically or by some kindness. I named the sensation anxiety before. Now I name it excitement for whats on the other side of this moment. I had asked myself, why do I cry after great sex. My womb,... my vagina answered. "Because you were never taught how to receive and accept love." When you wanted your father to teach you how a man loves a woman, he was not able. When you wanted your lover to teach you, his father was not there to teach him. When you wanted your husband to teach you....Now you must allow the universe to teach you. Allowing the father within to love me and nurture me and support me and protect me is a wonderful, scary, exciting experience. I am wondering if this is part of the process of receiving my partner. How can I receive someone so wonderful if secretly I am afraid of it? I am willing to trust and grow in this.

I want to share this process as clearly as I can. But it is a challenge. Its deeply personal. But I know that there are lots of other people who are also having a similar deeply personal experience. So here goes......

When moved to deep orgasm with my lover I find a break in my emotional armor. I sense a quaking in my reality. A shift in my paradimgn. I know that it it possible to receive love. This runs counter to the old program that states that love is scary. So while lying there while my lover coaxes me to release, gently supports my pleasure, and lovingly wills me to relax and be at peace, I cry a river of tears. I cry for all the times that I just F*#ked. For all the times I thought some man (ultimately the masculine principle of God) had abandoned me. For all the times I told myself that they don't really care if I'm comfortable. For all the times I told myself that I was unworthy of love. I thought I was unworthy because I believed my father was supposed to make my life a dream. I had given the power of my life over to others. I cry because it feels good, and because I am alive. I cry because there are so many wonderful men in my life. I cry because even as I cry he holds me and listens to my sniffles and waits patiently. I cry because I have chosen this moment of tenderness and it says to me that I am growing in receptivity. I cry because it is filled with possibility. I am open to this wonderful journey.

I am learning the sacred ness of my femininity. I am learning to love all of me. I am allowing the power of my womanhood. I am allowing love and success. I am allowing companionship and a loving partner. I am allowing all thats good and perfect.