An open letter 100509

i now know that healing takes unexpected routes. there are many ways to enter. i entered a sacred healing space on the heels of orgasm. yes orgasm. i noticed that there were times when orgasm came easily and times when it was laborious for me and my partner. this was curious to me as i did not see myself as having inhibitions of this caliber. so i set out to find the answer for myself. i remembered that one of you guys had posted something about daring to experiment with your own life. that there is/was a certain degree of trust in self and in god required to do this. and so i trusted us both. myself. and god. i talked with a friend about this issue of restraint and resistance when it comes to intimacy and climax and shared that i thought there was a real connection between my belief about the person i'm with and my willingness to surrender. i said that because i was not clear about what i wanted in relation to him, it was hard for me to surrender. i continued this conversation with god and i began to notice the dialog fade when it came to the idea of exploring this resistance and that it may take time to figure it all out. however, i did hear a vital piece of information. that focusing on the person was a definite hinderance to trust. when looking at all a person's flaws, ideas, beliefs, potential and possibilities is very easy to loose site of what is behind it all. god. so that was the first shift. i choose to engage from the perspective of loving god and all that god brings to me.

then there was another shift. i allowed myself to surrender.

no actually, i chose to surrender. and as i did so i cried. i listened to god speak to me. and she/he/it told me that the love he had for me was enough to last through my tears, that it was ok to cry. i began to see penetration as an act of god. god trying to get to the heart of me. the center, sacral, sacred seat of my beingness. i recognized with each stroke all the many times i was freightened by gods movements in my life and how i would be tense and resistance because i didn't trust. my legs my torso my hips would tense. i came to accept this as a part of intimacy. but now i see that in my subconcious, i was resisting. it was subtle. not enough for my partner to notice. but i did.

as i continued, i allowed all my thoughts to come up. i resisted nothing. i stopped at times to hear the messages. everything was allowed. i was open. to god. i listened to the god of my womb. i listened to my eggs, who've been with me since i was an embryo. i heard so many stories about my own experience that i did not allow before. some of these are truly sacred stories and intended to be shared with those who choose to enter that space with me. one of these conversations has taken over 30 years to get to the 3rd statement. and yet i am cognizant of the thread as it continues.

the next time you make love. connect to your self and see what stories you have to tell yourself. notice your own sweet surrender. see if you are open or if submission comes because you are conquered by your lover. there are no right or wrong answers. only YOUR answers. find out what your self has been holding for you.

brothers..this may be a little scary for you. since there's a real possibility of the water works taking a while. but try it. let go of the race for completion and pay attention to rather or not she's receiving you. if she is open. note her breathing pattern. there is a difference between breathing for arousal and breathing for tension. take your time and watch for the shift. there is more to come on this. i will share. in light love and peace.

surama amen hetep
"correct knowing is peace"