Just Reality 072909

How can I write to you of these sensations that I carry in my chest. These thoughts that I have in my mind. This program I have in my spirit. Today I am living a life that contains both the unspoken promise of my spiritual potential and the essence of human falibility. I have always know myself as these two people. Not just because I am a gemini but because there has always be this dialoge with the higher me. There is a part of me that knows my greatest contribution to this world will come through my devotion to a spiritual path. Despite my desire to ignore this reality I know it just like I know to avert my eyes when in the presence of spiritual leaders. I know they will know me when the see me and I want to enjoy this human-ness that I am wearing like a favorite pair of flip flops. Though this human-ness is worn and unpresentable as my best self, I still like it. Wanting to be regular, but not really. Its like when rich people come down to hang out with the "common folks" because they just want to be cool. (But not give up their money..lol) All my life I have acted, lived and spoken in away that is beyond my own natural earthly experience and understanding. My Dad recently reminded me of a time when I was 4 years old and I had a sit down talk with him. I let him know how much I loved him and my mother and how we needed him to come home to help the family. He had been away in the military and things, my by measure, were not as they should be. I asked him to come home and take care of mommy. Apparently my brother and I, he was 7, had discussed this and had come up with a solution for which I was the spokes person. My father, despite his ambition, came home and did all he could to take care of the family. At 11 or 12, I remember being asked by adult church member how to pronounce words in the sunday school lesson. I always had an answer though I don't recall what gave me the confidence to share them, or what caused them to ask me out of all the other. Then there were times when my Grandmother would loan me out to other elders in the family that may have been sick or recovering. She would send me to stay with them for a week or more to be sure they had breakfast or what ever support they needed. Some how this made sense. Either way... I think my path has been interesting.

Now I am being asked to make a sincere, deep and conciencouss decision to follow God with a level of integrity that I have yet to comprehend. I am not certain of what is being asked of me. I am afraid of it. Though I know this is who I am... I like my human-ness. Some where the possibility of taking the long and windy path, and enjoying the scenic route, complete with stops at all the cool spots seemed like a better option. Even though, when I am in the presence of those more disciplined than I've chosen to be, I feel like the smart kid that keeps failing the easy class and all my friends are moving on. What will I do?

The individuals that I have chosen to respect because I admire some aspect of their manifestation, all seem to see the inner me and expect that one to prevail. They speak to me with clarity and hope of who it is they see behind my eyes. They say I am powerful, that I will make a difference, that I should remember who I am. They love and support me with a ferocity that reflects their intense belief in that side of me. Yet, the remaining parts of me are afraid. Why do I think of lonelyness when I think of this life of dedication and commitment to God? Is it because I am only allowed to see my "fellows" once I have accepted my life for what I designed it to be? Did I make agreements with my most avid supporters that they would help me not to forget my greatness? Which paradiagm will I choose to manifest in? and do I have to choose only one? There is no doubt that I've known these people before and each to varying degrees of entanglement. But one thing is for certain, they have been true reminders to me of what is possible. Sometimes I get so mad at that cause I don't want to do more, or study harder, or grow bigger, or more spiritual. I just want to cruise and have an easy life. And we all know that life will allow you to cruise with out direction for a while, but just like a car when you hit a bump, you get off track and can end up in a ditch if you don't make some choices.

So I deliberate about the best way to get back in touch with The Holy Sir. The Goddess with in. At one point in my life when one system I was in was nearing the end of its usefulness, I simply asked God to come and get me. I was so lost. And sure enough, with all the love of the universe God came to my aid and set me on the path of self discovery. I find that I may be approaching that place again. The place where there are no prescriptions for getting to God but a sincere desire and willingness to follow. Since I know that God is listening I will state it plainly.....

Dearest God, though I have surrounded you with uncertainty and even poorly nurtured flesh I still believe in your divine ability to reach into/out of any container and bring light, love and prosperity. I seek guidance and a sense of peace and connection with you that I have come to miss in my human-ness indulgence. Retrieve me in your divine wisdom and lift my illusions that I might see and know the me you and I created. Thanking you for the newness, Surama Amen Hetep.

For all of you who wonder about your destiny, the God you and the life you live, I offer that I am remembering that all of this exist for that purpose. This is the stage on which the play of my life is taking place. I am playing my part as best I can. I am intending to move into and out of my character the way that God is directing me. I am integrating the real me with this character you've come to know. I do not know all the details of what this will be or how it will look from your eyes but I am doing my best. Even when I seem erratic....in that moment that is the best I can do. Imagine me in my best light if you will and soon that will be the truth. Thank you. Even to those who remind me, and make me angry in doing so, of my destiny. Thank you. With out these sign post and opportunities this "play" would not be "fun" or interesting and you know how we all enjoy a good show.... Play yo part folks, and enjoy it.