I just wanna be successful. 062509

There are days when all we want is to feel a sense of satisfaction. Some sense of accomplishment. Rather it be in our jobs, our relationships, family, hobby or education. The place we live in right now doesn't seem to allow for a lot of that thought. There's a constant pressure to do more, have more, get something better, someone wetter, learn more, what ever. The bar just keeps rising. Its sorta like a battle field. The battle waged is so hot and heavy, the we rarely have the time to say job well done.

Most days I operate out of my own sense of integrity and determination to make a contribution to society. For me, my drive toward perfection is relentless and I am coaching myself to allow a sense of satisfaction. So I tell myself, "girl you doing all right". Even thought all the bills aint yet paid up or paid in full, ain't nothing turned off and we still eatin. Sh$3 ... thats more than some can say today. So yeah, it's all right, if i'm still working on that 6 pack, If I ain't paid all the bills yet, I will, and they ain't going of business without my payment, God Don't love me less cause I really do want to do somethings that people don't approve of. I'm realizing that its ok to just connect. Its ok to find a way to get my needs met. To work it out a little at a time.

I keep coming into the office. Even though there's no one checking for me. I keep tryna open up to God and find a way to be successful in this venture. My second Mom told me to remember the lives I touch on a one on one basis. She says I have no idea how much difference I make in them. I say oh yeah? She says yeah, this place wouldn't be the same without you. I laugh cause I'm not as convinced as she is. But I keep coming back. The money of course doesn't reflect the effort it takes to make this thing work. So much so that I'm thinking of taking a second job to make ends meet for a while. This is the shit they don't put in the newspapers. Movies don't show all the brothers and sisters working in African centered schools and public schools who are on the front lines. My checks don't reflect all the pregnancy test I buy, all the rides to the clinic, or advice on getting checked out, or how to avoid getting in a predicament with a boyfriend, it doesn't reflect the conversations I have to encourage them to keep coming to school and that they can make it. My check doesn't show all the things I bring from home to use in this place. I ain't mad at the entertainers out there, all the ballers and business people, but Fuc# it! I want to be successful too . I want my children and my students to know that it pays to be a good person, to care about them. They know that society dumps on teachers and so sometimes they do too. They see parents blame teachers, they see parents curse teachers out and threaten them, they see teachers as push overs. They say things to me like, " if I was you, I wouldn't take that, I wouldn't deal with these kids." or they say, "I would have hit him/her if she said that to me" They see teachers have to explain or convince parents to be more involved or to discipline them at home in a more effective way.

I just wanna be successful.....

I want more than the nobility of this job. And by job I mean teacher, mother, counselor, security,...etc, all of the things I do. I want the money, and all the perks that come with it. I contemplate leaving here. I think of going into another career. Every year I wonder if I will move back south to be closer to my family. I ask myself if I just want to go back into the classroom in the public system and ride the wave to the shore. This year I'm asking the same questions. What do I want?....... and what am I willing to do to get it? I love teaching,... I just don't love the stress that comes with it.