The Biggest loser!

Losing weight is a battle fought in the head. Not at the table or in the gym. Not even in the grocery store. The biggest obstacle comes from the internal dialog that I engage in when I am doing all those things. There are literally days when I feel thinner, healthier and more beautiful and then everyone else sees this. It even makes my clothes fit differently! On these days I like the colors or what ever I'm wearing and tell my self good things. On the days that this is not the case I tell my self things about my self/body that I don't have to. Like, "this shirt makes me look lumpy" or "these pants make my stomach look bigger" and I could go on and on. But the fact of the matter is, I am not alone nor is this limited to sisters who self sabbotage by thinking or speaking negatively about ourselves.

I have stood in the mirror and given myself the figurative beat down. I have evaluated or analyzed everything from my hair down to my toe nails. Some of the reasons for this attitude and behavior is that I grew up in a place that considered it an insult to say to someone, "You think you cute don't ya?" It would be said with the nastiest voice inflection possible. We little nappy headed dark skinned black girls were taught to keep a low profile and to not get to ahead of ourselves. Especially in my Mothers family. It was not uncommon to have any directive punctuated with the added "wit yo black ass". You know, like, "git some where and sit down wit yo black ass!" Or like , "take yo black ass outside". As if being black was something criminal. I remember going to my paternal grandmother and crying and telling her how they call me black and how it hurt my feelings. She armed me with a James Brown Shout! "Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud." That was the only defense I had in my 5year old arsenal. Each time my aunts would call me black, I would respond, "say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud". Don't think that the differentiation stopped there, oh, know. It went all the way to Ravioli!.....lol. My lighter skinned cousins even ate better that I did. They were allowed to eat whole cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli, spagetti and spagetti-o's! I know shock and awe, shock and awe! But this was unheard of to me and appeared to be the height of decadence in my young eyes. (I must admit, there may have been circumstances that were beyond my perception but there sure seemed to be a great divide between my light skinned cousins and my brother and I.) Now, don't get me wrong, now that I look back, I am not angry for the differentiation. It taught me to be resourceful. I learned to achieve and connect with others outside that portion of my family and to be fair in my dealings with others. Especially children! Besides, those cousins didn't truly benefit from the false lessons they were taught anyway. Anywho, My grandmother was apparently the founder of the empowerment movement within me...lol. I love and miss you Mom!

As I've gotten older, a lot of the more obvious self hate I was taught has drifted away as I've changed my base of information and patterns of thought. However, there are those last vestiges of programming. Alas! I will prevail!...lol. Anyway, you all know what I mean. When overcoming an upbringing steeped in self hate, the ugliness is so ingrained that sometimes you don't even recognize it or may not be able to tell the truth from fiction. I know now that my thoughts shape my reality and sometimes take the opportunity to play with this concept. On the days that I feel the most beautiful and give my self compliments and love. Others do the same. I am generally more out going and charismatic on these days. There is more creativity and joy overall. Not to mention, guys that walk past me regularly, notice me and want to engage in conversation. Because at this time, I feel satisfied and accepting of my self they also feel this when in my company. (or something similar to it...lol) And on the days when I don't feel this way well,...you know what happens.

But, like Katt Williams said, (and yes I am quoting a profanity spewing comedian) "I've got to get in tune with my star F#@kin player and say "ni$$a how is you doing to day" And answer my self with the most beautiful "truth" I can come up with today....

"Girl you looking good, did you drop some inches off yo waist, did you get a facial yo skin looks georgeous!"

"Damn, You fine, are you wearing a size 14 or a 12 now."

" You got abs of steel now or something you gettin it in!"

Come up with your own "truth" and make it real. After all, if you are the one doing the commentary about your self, let it be all good! Cause just like me you can have whatever you like! The universe has no preference or aversion to any reality you/I want to create.

I love you and thank you for your contribution to my growth.

Surama Amen Hetep
I do what I love and I get what I want! (you can too!)